For years I have been on antidepressants...ups and downs seemed to have been a constant in my life. I have finally gotten off of them...learning how to cope with my thoughts and my wounds that are now turning to scars instead of being totally open.
Suddenly I am finding more of the riches that are in my life and I recognize the growth from the challenges of adoption and loss. Writing has helped and letting go of old baggage has allowed me to honor myself. I have come a long way...and my spirit is feeling whole.
When I first met my son after 43 years I thought that was my full circle. I felt that I would be healed because I finally had him in my life...but I was wrong...after being told that "the relationship had come to an end" was when I realized that the circle was still not full...and that only by forgiveness of myself...forgiveness of others...would life change for me.
I am stronger now than I have ever been...I feel more empowered to face obstacles...I can feel the joy in my life...and I hold the memories of him and my gratitude of meeting him close to my heart.
I am learning how to release the struggles that surrounded adoption and reuniting...and now separation. I still hold on to hope that the separation will one day be healed, but instead of looking at the loss...I am looking on the positive side of knowing him and his family.
I have always been one who looked at experiences as "good" or "bad"...a learned habit I suppose from childhood...but I now see the potential of those experiences to teach me...to help me heal. This has been a painful and challenging time but I am becoming stronger each day and enjoy the moments of now more...rather than projecting myself into the future or dwelling on the past...
Life is full of joy each and every moment of the day...
all I have to do is be aware and SMILE!
gratitude and blessings...
There is a realization that comes when you find peace from within...a realization that each day is a blessing...and that we each have so many things that we can be grateful for. Living in gratitude we can feel everything opening up. The more we appreciate what we have to be grateful for the more blessing we realize.
Even during a day when things don't appear to be going just so...I look around and find a silver lining. It is that silver lining...that small thing found to be grateful for that makes a difficult day suddenly become brighter. Transforming negative into positive in a moment. I so easily have missed that in the past...and it has become important for me to appreciate all that I do have in my life. Everything that has brought me to this new day. Blessings surround me...Love surrounds me.
The gifts that I am grateful for each morning are becoming more and more apparent. Just the act of driving my grandson to school each morning has become a valuable bonding time...and laughter and smiles...Flowers plucked from my gardens to bring into the house brings nature that much closer...and a small stone placed in my hand by my grandson becomes a treasure...
Knowing who my son is even if we do not talk to each other anymore is more information than I had for 42 years...
This gratitude is an energy that stays with me all day...
...and shows me more than my eyes use to see and my heart use to feel...
Even during a day when things don't appear to be going just so...I look around and find a silver lining. It is that silver lining...that small thing found to be grateful for that makes a difficult day suddenly become brighter. Transforming negative into positive in a moment. I so easily have missed that in the past...and it has become important for me to appreciate all that I do have in my life. Everything that has brought me to this new day. Blessings surround me...Love surrounds me.
The gifts that I am grateful for each morning are becoming more and more apparent. Just the act of driving my grandson to school each morning has become a valuable bonding time...and laughter and smiles...Flowers plucked from my gardens to bring into the house brings nature that much closer...and a small stone placed in my hand by my grandson becomes a treasure...
Knowing who my son is even if we do not talk to each other anymore is more information than I had for 42 years...
This gratitude is an energy that stays with me all day...
...and shows me more than my eyes use to see and my heart use to feel...
next phase of life...
I have come to a great many realizations about my life and my relationships this past year. How I have formed some because of my relationship with myself. And what patterns I brought along with me since placing my son for adoption almost 47 years ago.
47 years is a long time to carry around such heavy baggage. At 65 I am now ready and able to put this baggage down. Knowing it is a natural and necessary part of my life in order to move completely forward. I know that meeting my son is allowing me to this. And although the relationship with him no longer exists I am feeling at peace. I am shifting...realizing that there have been many other times in my life that I have also shifted and that it is a natural and necessary part of growth.
So I am saying "good-bye" to that old part of myself... that pattern which was formed in order to deal with my grief and guilt about placing my son for adoption. And it no longer matters that anyone feels that I should of "gotten over this" long before now. My son is part of my heart...he always has been and he always will be. Meeting him has made that all the more real and even though he is not physically in my life I can be at peace with his forgiveness.
The protective shell I built around myself in order to heal is making me feel confined...it no longer feels safe there...and I can no longer survive there. I need to move outside this shell that I felt I needed for so long to protect myself.
I am shedding that shell...and I am making room for my new self to emerge...I am surrendering to this newness that I feel...this rebirth...
I welcome the next phase of my life with an open heart.
47 years is a long time to carry around such heavy baggage. At 65 I am now ready and able to put this baggage down. Knowing it is a natural and necessary part of my life in order to move completely forward. I know that meeting my son is allowing me to this. And although the relationship with him no longer exists I am feeling at peace. I am shifting...realizing that there have been many other times in my life that I have also shifted and that it is a natural and necessary part of growth.
So I am saying "good-bye" to that old part of myself... that pattern which was formed in order to deal with my grief and guilt about placing my son for adoption. And it no longer matters that anyone feels that I should of "gotten over this" long before now. My son is part of my heart...he always has been and he always will be. Meeting him has made that all the more real and even though he is not physically in my life I can be at peace with his forgiveness.
The protective shell I built around myself in order to heal is making me feel confined...it no longer feels safe there...and I can no longer survive there. I need to move outside this shell that I felt I needed for so long to protect myself.
I am shedding that shell...and I am making room for my new self to emerge...I am surrendering to this newness that I feel...this rebirth...
I welcome the next phase of my life with an open heart.
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