For years I have been on antidepressants...ups and downs seemed to have been a constant in my life. I have finally gotten off of them...learning how to cope with my thoughts and my wounds that are now turning to scars instead of being totally open.
Suddenly I am finding more of the riches that are in my life and I recognize the growth from the challenges of adoption and loss. Writing has helped and letting go of old baggage has allowed me to honor myself. I have come a long way...and my spirit is feeling whole.
When I first met my son after 43 years I thought that was my full circle. I felt that I would be healed because I finally had him in my life...but I was wrong...after being told that "the relationship had come to an end" was when I realized that the circle was still not full...and that only by forgiveness of myself...forgiveness of others...would life change for me.
I am stronger now than I have ever been...I feel more empowered to face obstacles...I can feel the joy in my life...and I hold the memories of him and my gratitude of meeting him close to my heart.
I am learning how to release the struggles that surrounded adoption and reuniting...and now separation. I still hold on to hope that the separation will one day be healed, but instead of looking at the loss...I am looking on the positive side of knowing him and his family.
I have always been one who looked at experiences as "good" or "bad"...a learned habit I suppose from childhood...but I now see the potential of those experiences to teach me...to help me heal. This has been a painful and challenging time but I am becoming stronger each day and enjoy the moments of now more...rather than projecting myself into the future or dwelling on the past...
Life is full of joy each and every moment of the day...
all I have to do is be aware and SMILE!
gratitude and blessings...
There is a realization that comes when you find peace from within...a realization that each day is a blessing...and that we each have so many things that we can be grateful for. Living in gratitude we can feel everything opening up. The more we appreciate what we have to be grateful for the more blessing we realize.
Even during a day when things don't appear to be going just so...I look around and find a silver lining. It is that silver lining...that small thing found to be grateful for that makes a difficult day suddenly become brighter. Transforming negative into positive in a moment. I so easily have missed that in the past...and it has become important for me to appreciate all that I do have in my life. Everything that has brought me to this new day. Blessings surround me...Love surrounds me.
The gifts that I am grateful for each morning are becoming more and more apparent. Just the act of driving my grandson to school each morning has become a valuable bonding time...and laughter and smiles...Flowers plucked from my gardens to bring into the house brings nature that much closer...and a small stone placed in my hand by my grandson becomes a treasure...
Knowing who my son is even if we do not talk to each other anymore is more information than I had for 42 years...
This gratitude is an energy that stays with me all day...
...and shows me more than my eyes use to see and my heart use to feel...
Even during a day when things don't appear to be going just so...I look around and find a silver lining. It is that silver lining...that small thing found to be grateful for that makes a difficult day suddenly become brighter. Transforming negative into positive in a moment. I so easily have missed that in the past...and it has become important for me to appreciate all that I do have in my life. Everything that has brought me to this new day. Blessings surround me...Love surrounds me.
The gifts that I am grateful for each morning are becoming more and more apparent. Just the act of driving my grandson to school each morning has become a valuable bonding time...and laughter and smiles...Flowers plucked from my gardens to bring into the house brings nature that much closer...and a small stone placed in my hand by my grandson becomes a treasure...
Knowing who my son is even if we do not talk to each other anymore is more information than I had for 42 years...
This gratitude is an energy that stays with me all day...
...and shows me more than my eyes use to see and my heart use to feel...
next phase of life...
I have come to a great many realizations about my life and my relationships this past year. How I have formed some because of my relationship with myself. And what patterns I brought along with me since placing my son for adoption almost 47 years ago.
47 years is a long time to carry around such heavy baggage. At 65 I am now ready and able to put this baggage down. Knowing it is a natural and necessary part of my life in order to move completely forward. I know that meeting my son is allowing me to this. And although the relationship with him no longer exists I am feeling at peace. I am shifting...realizing that there have been many other times in my life that I have also shifted and that it is a natural and necessary part of growth.
So I am saying "good-bye" to that old part of myself... that pattern which was formed in order to deal with my grief and guilt about placing my son for adoption. And it no longer matters that anyone feels that I should of "gotten over this" long before now. My son is part of my heart...he always has been and he always will be. Meeting him has made that all the more real and even though he is not physically in my life I can be at peace with his forgiveness.
The protective shell I built around myself in order to heal is making me feel confined...it no longer feels safe there...and I can no longer survive there. I need to move outside this shell that I felt I needed for so long to protect myself.
I am shedding that shell...and I am making room for my new self to emerge...I am surrendering to this newness that I feel...this rebirth...
I welcome the next phase of my life with an open heart.
47 years is a long time to carry around such heavy baggage. At 65 I am now ready and able to put this baggage down. Knowing it is a natural and necessary part of my life in order to move completely forward. I know that meeting my son is allowing me to this. And although the relationship with him no longer exists I am feeling at peace. I am shifting...realizing that there have been many other times in my life that I have also shifted and that it is a natural and necessary part of growth.
So I am saying "good-bye" to that old part of myself... that pattern which was formed in order to deal with my grief and guilt about placing my son for adoption. And it no longer matters that anyone feels that I should of "gotten over this" long before now. My son is part of my heart...he always has been and he always will be. Meeting him has made that all the more real and even though he is not physically in my life I can be at peace with his forgiveness.
The protective shell I built around myself in order to heal is making me feel confined...it no longer feels safe there...and I can no longer survive there. I need to move outside this shell that I felt I needed for so long to protect myself.
I am shedding that shell...and I am making room for my new self to emerge...I am surrendering to this newness that I feel...this rebirth...
I welcome the next phase of my life with an open heart.
Freedom...
Freedom
She would no longer
stand in the darkness...
The sun and the wind
would now carry her...
carry her to her dreams...
carry her to her feminine...
carry her to her love...
carry her to her heart...
carry her to her freedom.
Transformed...
Transformed
She started out
soft and light
gentle strokes
moving across
the paper.
and when she appeared
she transformed.
changing herself
to bold...beautiful
and strong.
she felt the vibration
of creativity all around her
let go and be wild
she whispered
feel the wings on your shoulders
there is nothing to fear.
Releasing...
I am releasing...releasing my inner conflicts to the universe...rising above...I am learning that I have often tried to control myself ...my emotions...my reactions and really what I am finding is that I can only control my attitude and my behavior ...So I am releasing the negative feelings ...
I remember when my good husband passed...all I wanted to do was be surrounded by his things...I would wear one of his t-shirts to bed at night...sleep on his side of the bed...breathe in the smell of his clothing...hold his picture close to my heart...
Today...after over 5 years since my husband passed I no longer do those things...for I feel him with me almost every day. I see his smile in the smallest of things and know his love...
I remember when I was told that my relationship with my son and his family had come to an end...I took all the things that they had given me and packed them away...I took pictures and placed them in boxes along with letters and cards...
Today...was the first day in almost a year and a half that I let myself open that box...today I revisited the moments of memories...and I placed a picture of my son and me back on my desk and I look up at it now and smile...
I am releasing...I am healing...
I love and I believe I am loved...
ART Heals...
For the gentle little soul
who loved to color...
ART HEALS.
For the heart that needs
to mend...
ART HEALS.
When you question
your ability...
ART HEALS.
When you let your
inside out...
ART HEALS.
Be the woman your
gentle little soul always
knew you were
born to be...
ART HEALS.
ART Heals...
Where am I?
I am in the garden
of my life
I am dreaming
big dreams
I am growing
from the inside out
I am believing
in myself
I am trusting
the process
I am loved
by myself and many
I am content
and happy
I am feeling
whole.
Listening to my heart...
Listening to my heart is sometimes a difficult thing...my mind chatters wildly with the negative.
And yet this year I have been listening and healing...
We all experience some kind of heartbreak...ranging from the smallest of things like losing something precious (like an earring) to the most difficult (loss of a love one). It is then that our bodies become filled with grief. It is a physical emptiness that often cannot be put into words. And we wonder if we will ever be able to mend.
Heartbreak can leave wounds so deep that it leaves scars...but I do believe that healing can happen...that raw emotion hurts...and yet we all know that hurting can lead to healing. The pain allows us to realize that we need to pay attention to our self. That we need to acknowledge the hurt before we can begin to heal.
They say that time heals all pain...but is it time that heals it or truly feeling it instead of burying it that leads us on the path of healing?
As I deal with the heartache of adoption/reunion and now loss I feel I am repairing my heart.
I am being gentle with myself and looking for all the positive things that have happened. I am opening myself up to loving...trusting...and believing once more.
Life continues on even amongst heartbreak...and I am emerging on the other side of mending...I am feeling stronger each and every day for all the experiences that being reunited has offered me...and I look to the positive more so now than ever.
And yet this year I have been listening and healing...
We all experience some kind of heartbreak...ranging from the smallest of things like losing something precious (like an earring) to the most difficult (loss of a love one). It is then that our bodies become filled with grief. It is a physical emptiness that often cannot be put into words. And we wonder if we will ever be able to mend.
Heartbreak can leave wounds so deep that it leaves scars...but I do believe that healing can happen...that raw emotion hurts...and yet we all know that hurting can lead to healing. The pain allows us to realize that we need to pay attention to our self. That we need to acknowledge the hurt before we can begin to heal.
They say that time heals all pain...but is it time that heals it or truly feeling it instead of burying it that leads us on the path of healing?
As I deal with the heartache of adoption/reunion and now loss I feel I am repairing my heart.
I am being gentle with myself and looking for all the positive things that have happened. I am opening myself up to loving...trusting...and believing once more.
Life continues on even amongst heartbreak...and I am emerging on the other side of mending...I am feeling stronger each and every day for all the experiences that being reunited has offered me...and I look to the positive more so now than ever.
ART Heals...
who am I?
I am the woman
who is no longer
afraid to peel back
the layers...
I am the woman
who reaches for
her dreams...
I am the woman
who uncaged
her heart...
I am the woman
who paints and
writes my truth...
I am the woman
who has found
her wings...
I am the woman
with love in her
heart instead of fear...
I am a strong
creative...intelligent...
feminine...rooted
woman.
ART Heals...
at 64
she had walked through many
forests in her years
some were dark and fearful
others she wandered around in
but she always emerged on the
other side
sooner or later
she knows that life
is like that...
forests and sunshine
both helping her to grow
at 64
she is open
she feels her spirit
she sees her perception
she speaks with expression
she knows her love
she honors her power
she accepts her feminine...
SHE SURVIVES!
ART Heals
Connected
We are one...
you and I.
...connected...
past and present...
...integrated...
together we are stronger
than separate...
together we unite to
become whole...
together our heart
beats with joy...
we are one...
you and I...
...connected...
we become ME.
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