ART Heals...

who am I?

I am the woman
who  is no longer
afraid to peel back
the layers...

I am the woman
who reaches for
her dreams...

I am the woman
who uncaged
her heart...

I am the woman
who paints and
writes my truth...

I am the woman
who has found
her wings...

I am the woman
with love in her
heart instead of fear...

I am a strong
creative...intelligent...
feminine...rooted
woman.

ART Heals...

 

 

at 64

 

she had walked through many

forests in her years

 

some were dark and fearful

others she wandered around in

 

but she always emerged on the

other side

sooner or later

 

she knows that life

is like that...

forests and sunshine

both helping her to grow

 

at 64

 

she is open

she feels her spirit

she sees her perception

she speaks with expression

she knows her love

she honors her power

she accepts her feminine...

 

SHE SURVIVES!

 

 

 

ART Heals

 

 

Connected

We are one...
you and I.

...connected...

past and present...

...integrated...

together we are stronger
than separate...

together we unite to
become whole...

together our heart
beats with joy...

we are one...
you and I...

...connected...

we become ME.

ART Heals...

 

Mothering

girl...daughter...sister...friend...wife...mother...woman.

I am a woman
learning to be
gentle and kind
to my soul...

to embrace the whole
of who I am...

to be content and happy
in my own skin...

to listen closely to
the whispers of my
heart and follow
its lead...

I am a woman
learning to
mother myself
with love.

willing...

I sent off a couple text messages to my son the other day only to find that they are "undeliverable" ...guess that means that he either has a new phone number that I do not know or I have been blocked...

Either way I found myself struggling with my own thoughts and emotions...thinking how could I  correspond with him...why can't I correspond with him...a feeling that somehow I must correct this...and yet I know that this is not a black and white situation...and I have to continue to look at the turmoil from the inside. Letting go again is a struggle that I am having with myself...and these emotions are uncomfortable and I keep thinking if I could just make it right I will feel better...and yet I know that is not true...just like reuniting did not change all the issues that I carried for so long...He can not heal me...

I am looking at myself straight forward...and I am willing to accept that there is room for more pictures of what this relationship can look like...It does not have to be the perfect family picture. Because we all know that picture also has underlying problems...I want to stop limiting myself to an all or nothing point of view...Do I really have nothing now?

NO! I have much more than that...I have awareness of who he is...a name...a face...He is not a ghost anymore...better yet he is no longer a baby that I placed for adoption...

He is a grown man who does not have to have a relationship with me just because that is what I want...He does not have to be my child...(he is the child of his parents).

I am working on opening myself up and letting go of the thought that everything has to be perfect in order to be...It is a conscious choice I am making...I am opening up my heart to my truth...and the truth is...

He is my son...I am his birth mother...and that does not mean that he has to have an open relationship with me...but it also means that I do exist...and that nothing will ever change the fact that we will always be connected through that birth...we hold parts of each other within ourselves...and that will never change...

and I can carry that and my love for him with me forever.

Forward Motion...

There are still days when I feel as if I am standing in the middle of my emotional pain over the second loss of my son. As if I am taking one step forward and then two steps backward...just when I am feeling as if I have gained a lot of forward motion something appears...a birthday of one of the grandchildren...a memory of time spent together...and it is then that I feel as if I have made so little progress...

Today I am shifting...

Every step on this path to healing is meaningful...and sometimes new obstacles will appear or I am peeling back a new layer, but I am continuing forward...and each step is something that I have to take in order to get to the next level...

So even if at this moment  I am feeling as if I am stuck once again I know that I am moving forward still...and that when I have the days of feeling as if I am standing in the middle of my emotional pain I am really acknowledging that the pain does exist and I am still working through it...and although it may never really go away I am dealing with it in a much more positive way. 

Adoption...Reunion...Loss

Recovery of Self.

ART Heals...

danced

they danced around the
hurt as if it were normal

sharing parts of themselves
connecting
and yet distant

so many years had passed
she could not mother
she could not change anything

she was grateful to break the silence
she was grateful to let go of the secret
she was grateful to solve the mystery
she was grateful for the moments of love

there was a connection
of hearts
there always would be
nothing can change
the bond of birth

and yet they were strangers

and now they no longer dance...

ART Heals...

As A Mother

As a Mother I
pledge my heart...

with loyalty and devotion,
with honesty and responsibility,
with peace and gratitude,
with dreams and unconditional love.

Know my darlings that
I am blessed and
You are all so loved.

ART Heals...

 

 

because I was 17

...empty...

empty belly...
empty arms...

...empty...

swirling uncontrollably with
emotions...

...blank space...

my heart forever
connected to yours.

ART Heals...

 

 

INTUITION
                                                                 
Pause and be aware...
get out of your head and
into your heart.

Feel free and full of love...
feel the echoes of your heart beat...
the stirrings of your soul.

Feel the heat of your passion
for paint and paper and
your words.

Pause and be aware...
allow yourself to rise and
take flight with
your intuition.

Calming Myself...

It has been over a year now since that last e mail that I received from my son's wife that said "it appears that this relationship has come to an end." I no longer send cards that are never acknowledged or checks that are not cashed. But I still recognize my grandchildren's birthdays by making a donation to St. Jude's Children's Hospital in their honor. I no longer send Christmas gifts but rather make a donation in the family name to Feeding America. I do this because they are alive in my heart. I am growing...there are days when I still feel insecure about the things that were said about me. Sad because I no longer have a personal connection with my son and his family. But, I am strengthening my self confidence every day...and I do not give the words that were written to me as much power anymore. My inner strength knows that regardless of those words my love is strong for my son and his family and nothing will ever change that. I am empowering my self...I am learning once again to appreciate my own words and my ability to love unconditionally. I am not worried anymore about what others think of me. I know my heart is true and good...my self worth is once again on the rise and I am happy. I am learning more about myself...the patterns that need to be broken...letting go of my insecurities... I am building a stronger belief in myself ...It has taken me almost 47 years to do this... but I am finding that my 18 year old self is no longer restless...and I am allowing her to finally be at peace with the decision that she help make so long ago.

definitions...

I was wondering today what the definition of adoption was...So here is what it says:

A`dop´tion

n.	1.	The act of adopting, or state of being adopted; voluntary acceptance of a child of other parents to be the same as one's own child.
	2.	Admission to a more intimate relation; reception; as, the adoption of persons into hospitals or monasteries, or of one society into another.
	3.	The choosing and making that to be one's own which originally was not so; acceptance; as, the adoption of opinions "Voluntary acceptance of a child of other parents to be the same as one's own child" No where in this definition does it state... "A child given away by their natural/birth mother because they cannot or will not be able to take care of that child."  No where in this definition does it state... "A child given away/relinquished by their birth mother, who will never be able to see them again because of that relinquishment" No where in this definition does it state... "A child given away by their birth mother who does not want said child to ever be able to know where he/she came from or be allowed to have their original birth certificate or medical information." And yet...that is exactly what most people believe about birth mothers. I wonder why it is that we are such a narrow minded society. What about  the definition of Mother:1moth·er MOTHER noun \ˈmə-thər\ Definition of MOTHER 1 a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman 2 : source, origin <necessity is the mother of invention> 3 : maternal tenderness or affection   "A female parent...maternal tenderness or affection"   No where in this definition is there  a reference of difference between a birth mother and an adoptive mother.   lets talk about what we are sometimes called...we are called birth mother, natural mother, B-mom, real mother, other mother and names that a lady does not say, names that make us feel less than. Adoptive mothers too are called just that adoptive mothers, A-mom, and often they are belittled with statements like "oh your not his/her real Mom", a statement that often makes them feel less than.  WHY can't we just be called Mom or Mother? Because after all isn't that who we are? Didn't we both play a role? Don't we sort of walk hand in hand with each other? What threat are we to one another? Why can't a person have 2 mothers? In same sex unions children have 2 mothers or 2 fathers...in divorces children have step-mothers. Are any of these mothers less than? We each have our own set of emotions surrounding adoption. Some are negative, such as dealing with guilt for not being able to raise a child, or guilt for not being able to bare a child. But most of them are maternal feelings... We both carry love for that same child...both of us wishing for only the best for them...one gets to display that love the other holds it close in their heart. We both just want to be called MOM!

Myth vs Fact # 5...

" YOU GAVE UP THE "RIGHT" TO THE TITLE OF MOTHER..."

JULY 3rd...1:00 PM...

OFFERING LOVE...

 

They were a part of her now...
A missing piece finally found...
And regardless of time or space...
She would continue to offer love for the rest of her days...
hoping that one day it would be once again accepted.

Today at 1:00 I am marking the 4 years that I have known who my son is...They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I look at a picture of that reunion day and say that there are not enough words in the English language to describe the feelings for me here. It is a picture of my son and me when we met after 42 years of separation. It is a picture of love that is so pure that it makes my heart soar.

I am a birth mother, who placed her son up for adoption in 1969.

My heart placed him in a very safe placed where he has lived with me for 42 years. There were times when I feared for him, there were times when I ached for him, and there were times when I felt he was right beside me. He has always been a part of my make-up. He helped to make me a better mother to my two other children, and a better and more compassionate person. He often held my hand during difficult times and allowed me to love in a better way. He gave me strength some days, and tears on others as the years passed. Although I wished to know him, I did not have a desire to disrupt the life that he and his parents had formed. I wished only the highest and best for them as a family

And then a miracle occurred.

Mother’s Day weekend (2012) I connected with my son, when my heart opened and poured out buried information. He was there on an adoption registry site waiting for me. He had started a blog looking for me 11 years earlier. With a phone call I would be talking with him. If I say I was without fear that would not be true. We talked for hours that first night, we exchanged e-mails and phone calls for weeks till we finally met for the second time in 42 years. We embraced, we cried, we sighed and we connected out hearts once again. Mother and son reunited to explore a relationship with each other, to express the unspoken love that has always been there. To share who we are with each other and our extended families. I am was not only a mother, but the proud grandmother of 3 precious children, and a mother-in-law to a new daughter, all who have always known about me. I feel complete, I felt as if I was healing, and I had the feeling of coming full circle that felt ever present as our bond grew with each passing day.

But it is different today...today I celebrate this day alone once again without him. But I am a better person today because of meeting him and his family. I am truly healing...and I am happy because I know he is out there...and I know his name...and I know more about him than I ever did before. I have pictures of him...and things he made me...I have letters...but most of all I have a love for him that goes far beyond separation and I will continue to offer that love to him and his family forever.

Myth vs Fact # 3

"TIME HEALS ALL PAIN..."