willing...

I sent off a couple text messages to my son the other day only to find that they are "undeliverable" ...guess that means that he either has a new phone number that I do not know or I have been blocked...

Either way I found myself struggling with my own thoughts and emotions...thinking how could I  correspond with him...why can't I correspond with him...a feeling that somehow I must correct this...and yet I know that this is not a black and white situation...and I have to continue to look at the turmoil from the inside. Letting go again is a struggle that I am having with myself...and these emotions are uncomfortable and I keep thinking if I could just make it right I will feel better...and yet I know that is not true...just like reuniting did not change all the issues that I carried for so long...He can not heal me...

I am looking at myself straight forward...and I am willing to accept that there is room for more pictures of what this relationship can look like...It does not have to be the perfect family picture. Because we all know that picture also has underlying problems...I want to stop limiting myself to an all or nothing point of view...Do I really have nothing now?

NO! I have much more than that...I have awareness of who he is...a name...a face...He is not a ghost anymore...better yet he is no longer a baby that I placed for adoption...

He is a grown man who does not have to have a relationship with me just because that is what I want...He does not have to be my child...(he is the child of his parents).

I am working on opening myself up and letting go of the thought that everything has to be perfect in order to be...It is a conscious choice I am making...I am opening up my heart to my truth...and the truth is...

He is my son...I am his birth mother...and that does not mean that he has to have an open relationship with me...but it also means that I do exist...and that nothing will ever change the fact that we will always be connected through that birth...we hold parts of each other within ourselves...and that will never change...

and I can carry that and my love for him with me forever.

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