My anxiety level was high...my depression was putting me into a space where nothing seemed to make me happy...I decorated the house for the holiday...went about doing the things that needed to be done...but my thoughts always were with my son and it caused a great deal of stress with my other family members...
What was I suppose to do...I did not know how to relate to him or his family. That is the one thing about adoption...and reunion. You feel an automatic connection to people you really do not even know. It is a heart connection...a connection that once you find you can't let go of. And yet you have no guide helping you to travel these new waters.
With children that you raise you know how to make things "right" ...you know when to stand back and when to move forward...you know what words to say to comfort and what subjects to avoid...you have a history of connection. You have a history of unconditional love...a history of knowledge. With reunion from adoption you do not have any of those things. You can believe that you do...but what I was finding out was that you do not. You can believe that once that reunion happens that everything will be okay now...but what I was finding was that it is not...You can believe that LOVE is the only thing that matters and yet what I was finding was it is only the tip of the iceberg.
MERRY CHRISTMAS...
I love seeing letters in my mailbox...handwritten letters from my son to me...usually addressed to:
MY MOM...and there on December 22nd was a letter...I was so happy and then SO SAD after I opened it up.
There were 2 letters inside...one from my son (which said READ ME FIRST) and another one from his wife...
I had to read them both several times before the messages really sunk in...
Dear Patricia...
Because I knew now that my son was in a really bad emotional state I waited to be contacted by him. I never felt all that comfortable calling his house since the beginning...for some reason I felt that I was intruding...that feeling was worse now so I would send out an e mail just to let him know I was thinking of him.
I asked him if he still wanted me to continue sending my daily journal page...I usually did a small mandala and thoughts every morning...and his answer was yes. He had also written a letter which asked me to contact him if something was going on with my family here (health problems with my mother) I usually texted his wife about those things, because I felt that she could let him know easier and I did not want to bother him during the day while he was at work.. and I did that. I continued to send cards to him and his family...I tried to maintain the same sort of communication even though I knew that things were no where near the same.
His birthday came and I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday...his wife was distant on the phone when I asked to speak to him...I had written her a letter about my emotional response to not coming for his birthday to explain my feelings...and saying that it had nothing really to do with not coming but rather it was a flood of old emotions...
Thanksgiving came...we each missed each others phone calls and so phone messages were left back and forth...
I had started working on my "Dear Patricia" journal and I had asked if he might be willing to talk to me about adoption...(it was not something we talked about ...he had said he had a good life and he had thanked me for giving him life...although he always wondered if adoption did not have a role in his depression but he ruled that out somewhere along the line)...
He was open to answering questions about adoption (OF COURSE DEAR MOTHER) was his answer...I explained that I was thinking about a book and would like his input along with his wife's input on how reunion affected their life.
Everything was moving along at a much slower pace now...everything seemed to be changing...e mails were exchanged here and there...I assured him that even if I sent out an e mail it did not mean that he had to send one back...that they were meant to let him know he was being thought about.
I started Christmas shopping after Thanksgiving...I made gifts for the family...even though the thought had been put out there that the airline ticket from his birthday would hopefully be used for early December the date had been changed on the ticket for May of the following year...(graduation from grammar school and confirmation for my grandson).
Each passing day was filled with thoughts of how to make things better for my son...how to ease his depression...
and each passing day brought about a depression of my own...(a different depression than I had ever known before)
I asked him if he still wanted me to continue sending my daily journal page...I usually did a small mandala and thoughts every morning...and his answer was yes. He had also written a letter which asked me to contact him if something was going on with my family here (health problems with my mother) I usually texted his wife about those things, because I felt that she could let him know easier and I did not want to bother him during the day while he was at work.. and I did that. I continued to send cards to him and his family...I tried to maintain the same sort of communication even though I knew that things were no where near the same.
His birthday came and I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday...his wife was distant on the phone when I asked to speak to him...I had written her a letter about my emotional response to not coming for his birthday to explain my feelings...and saying that it had nothing really to do with not coming but rather it was a flood of old emotions...
Thanksgiving came...we each missed each others phone calls and so phone messages were left back and forth...
I had started working on my "Dear Patricia" journal and I had asked if he might be willing to talk to me about adoption...(it was not something we talked about ...he had said he had a good life and he had thanked me for giving him life...although he always wondered if adoption did not have a role in his depression but he ruled that out somewhere along the line)...
He was open to answering questions about adoption (OF COURSE DEAR MOTHER) was his answer...I explained that I was thinking about a book and would like his input along with his wife's input on how reunion affected their life.
Everything was moving along at a much slower pace now...everything seemed to be changing...e mails were exchanged here and there...I assured him that even if I sent out an e mail it did not mean that he had to send one back...that they were meant to let him know he was being thought about.
I started Christmas shopping after Thanksgiving...I made gifts for the family...even though the thought had been put out there that the airline ticket from his birthday would hopefully be used for early December the date had been changed on the ticket for May of the following year...(graduation from grammar school and confirmation for my grandson).
Each passing day was filled with thoughts of how to make things better for my son...how to ease his depression...
and each passing day brought about a depression of my own...(a different depression than I had ever known before)
Dear Patricia...
2014 has been a difficult year...this fall has proven to continue that difficulty.
After the visit in August from my son and his family although I knew that things were stressed because of my son's depression I still had hopes when a surprise e mail came my way...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
For my September birthday I received this e mail with an attached plane ticket to come and visit with him and the family for his birthday. (since reuniting I had not missed one). I was happy and excited for the 3 day weekend gift of celebration in November.
But alas...it was not to be. When I called a week before I talked to his wife about purchasing a birthday cake for him and she told me "IF you are here for his birthday we will be making an ice cream cake"...I heard those words but only said...GREAT...That will be fun!
Several days later after having those words eat at me I decided that I would give my son a reprieve by offering to NOT come...and he took me up on it. Even though I knew that the possibility of that being the answer I still cried...it was almost like a wash of sadness came over me quickly...I could not talk with him on the phone I hurt so badly...
After our phone conversation a series of e mails were exchanged...
All the work I thought I had been doing to heal suddenly seemed like a drop of nothingness...I tried to explain my reaction to both my son and his wife...I tried to make them understand that I was my own worst enemy when it came to the adoption...I tried to not to go to that dark place...
I sent out his gift...and I cried...deep down sobs...trying to release the hurt...not the hurt from not being there...but the hurt that adoption had caused my heart....This would be my sons 45th birthday...and not celebrating it with him caused me to spin totally out of control...My Doctor called it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...It caused me to go into a spiral of depression back to 1969...it was deep ... it was dark...the wound appeared to be wide open and I did not know what to do...except to cry and see my Doctor weekly in order to try to make sense of why this was happening now 2 1/2 years later.
After the visit in August from my son and his family although I knew that things were stressed because of my son's depression I still had hopes when a surprise e mail came my way...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
For my September birthday I received this e mail with an attached plane ticket to come and visit with him and the family for his birthday. (since reuniting I had not missed one). I was happy and excited for the 3 day weekend gift of celebration in November.
But alas...it was not to be. When I called a week before I talked to his wife about purchasing a birthday cake for him and she told me "IF you are here for his birthday we will be making an ice cream cake"...I heard those words but only said...GREAT...That will be fun!
Several days later after having those words eat at me I decided that I would give my son a reprieve by offering to NOT come...and he took me up on it. Even though I knew that the possibility of that being the answer I still cried...it was almost like a wash of sadness came over me quickly...I could not talk with him on the phone I hurt so badly...
After our phone conversation a series of e mails were exchanged...
Mom
I’m sorry to be a source of sadness for you.
I have been feeling rather disconnected lately. I go to work, I do my job but I do it rather mechanically. A bit mechanistically. A good machine, very professional, but lacking emotion. It’s the same at home. I’m not sure why. It started during the summer though. I felt like I was changing chemically. I as getting impatient and I “hated this world”. Lately I’ve been feeling like I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t alive. I’m just existing.
I ‘know’ that I want to live a more full life. I want to be emotionally connected to people. When I saw the movie Guardians of the Galaxy I felt touched. I felt the possibility of connectedness. But right now I feel alone, like that poem by Edgar Allen Poe… and all I’d loved I’d loved alone.
I do think its chemical. But l don’t want to do anything about it. I know that’s part of being depressed but I just don’t have the drive to do it, to change. I don’t even want to borrow the will to do it for someone else. I feel like Doctor Falken in the movie War Games. He gave up on humanity after his son Joshua died. The kids went to him for help but he just said it was too late. He was done.
But he did think about it. He did rally behind them. They inspired him. Groot inspired me, so did rocket. Rocket is a fighter. I feel like I’m not a fighter anymore. Too much peace. You know, like its all OK. Live … die … whatever. No anger. But also no drama. I miss the drama. I miss the comeback, the fight the struggle. I wonder if I don’t give my children enough to rail against. Doesn’t strength come from resistance? Don’t astronauts grow weak in space?
But stick with me. I went to a counselor yesterday. He asked if I had a goal for our meetings, a desired outcome. It never occurred to me. I thought I was going because my wife made the appointment. I think I did it for me.
I used to think I had a purpose. I don’t feel like I have one now. Somewhere along the way I lost my way.
I’m on my way.
Love always,
Your son
Dear Son...
I love you …and I SO understand…
and Thank You for sharing with me.
And as for you being a source of sadness for me…
You must realize that at times I am my own source of sadness (not
unlike you)
You can write to me about your feelings anytime…
I can only offer what has worked for me…use what you will and
discard the rest…Please think about this:
I think we can help each other…
You are SO LOVED!
All the work I thought I had been doing to heal suddenly seemed like a drop of nothingness...I tried to explain my reaction to both my son and his wife...I tried to make them understand that I was my own worst enemy when it came to the adoption...I tried to not to go to that dark place...
I sent out his gift...and I cried...deep down sobs...trying to release the hurt...not the hurt from not being there...but the hurt that adoption had caused my heart....This would be my sons 45th birthday...and not celebrating it with him caused me to spin totally out of control...My Doctor called it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...It caused me to go into a spiral of depression back to 1969...it was deep ... it was dark...the wound appeared to be wide open and I did not know what to do...except to cry and see my Doctor weekly in order to try to make sense of why this was happening now 2 1/2 years later.
Dear Patricia...
When was the last time you really listened to your intuition? When you knew in your whole being that things were starting to change and you knew that there was no way you could stop it? When you asked questions of people and you knew in your heart that they were only telling you what they thought you wanted to hear because the fear of the truth would hurt to much...this is where I was that fall of 2015 and everything was about to change once again...
Dear Patricia...
"maybe it's time to take care of yourself. maybe it's time to scream out loud that you don't have the answers and you just plain can't figure it out...but you're in this for the full ride. maybe it's time to stop doing the half ride. maybe it's time to step into it all...to weep your guts out. to hurt all the way to your core. to allow that hurt to be there. maybe it's time to embrace the love and believe in it even though it is not always perfect...but it is always right. maybe it's time to shout out to your depths that you do matter and you will do all in your power to live healthy...maybe it's time to stop just getting thru, just surviving. maybe it's time to grab the gift you've been given and celebrate every single piece of it...including the pain that brought you here. maybe it's time.
forget the maybe...and know it...IT IS TIME."... (BRAVE GIRL)
Dear Patricia...
"maybe it's time to take care of yourself. maybe it's time to scream out loud that you don't have the answers and you just plain can't figure it out...but you're in this for the full ride. maybe it's time to stop doing the half ride. maybe it's time to step into it all...to weep your guts out. to hurt all the way to your core. to allow that hurt to be there. maybe it's time to embrace the love and believe in it even though it is not always perfect...but it is always right. maybe it's time to shout out to your depths that you do matter and you will do all in your power to live healthy...maybe it's time to stop just getting thru, just surviving. maybe it's time to grab the gift you've been given and celebrate every single piece of it...including the pain that brought you here. maybe it's time.
forget the maybe...and know it...IT IS TIME."... (BRAVE GIRL)
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Here is my list of the 5 things that I am grateful for about adoption...
1. I am grateful that my son was a healthy baby, and that I did have 3 days with him before he was placed in the arms of his parents.
2. I am grateful for his parents...or being there for him....for being there for me...for opening up their hearts to him.
3. I am grateful for the way that he was raised....I love the person that he is...I have said before some of that is genetic, but I believe that some comes from your environment too.
4. I am grateful for the opportunity that he had to go to camp, to join scouts, grow up in a home with a brother and sister along with Mom and Dad and be connected to an extended family.
5. I am grateful for being reunited with him...for having a bond of love...for being a part of his life and his family life...I am grateful for the life that we have now.
I am releasing the anger...and I focus with new eyes on the gratitude...
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Celebrate Motherhood...
Celebrate what you have with your son...
Celebrate that he is willing to give without resentment and anger...
Celebrate the life stories he shares with you...
Celebrate all the wonderful moments you are creating together...
Celebrate love...
Celebrate YOU...
Celebrate YOUR SON...
Dear Patricia...
...So much has been going on since the beginning of the year that my head was not into writing or sharing...My Mother (who is 88) was in and out of the hospital beginning in Feb. and went until April...I dealt with surgery to remove a tumor on my neck that did not go as well as expected and I have been dealing with some difficult side effects from it...
AHHHHHH...LIFE! Life has been going on!
I have not been able to see my son and his family for 8 months...it seemed as if it was a life time for me. For the past 2 years I have been seeing them about every 6 to 8 weeks...which probably to some may feel excessive...but I am connecting...I am learning...I am loving...and yes, in some ways I am trying to make up for lost time...(even though I know that can not possibly be done)
They came here for a visit...all 5 of them...my son, his wife, my uniquely wonderful teenage grand daughter...my captivating grandson...and my adorable littlest grand daughter...oh and the fabulous dog too) To have them all here did my heart so much good...to be able to interact with them and have them close was a little slice of heaven...I miss them so much...
Distance is a strange thing...there are so many things that keep everyone connected these days...there is this machine...telephones...Skype...cell phones...Facebook...blogs...but nothing...NOTHING can compare to being able to reach out and hug the people you love...
And although the time they spent here was short...and things felt "different" and a bit stressed...
it made my heart smile...
AHHHHHH...LIFE! Life has been going on!
I have not been able to see my son and his family for 8 months...it seemed as if it was a life time for me. For the past 2 years I have been seeing them about every 6 to 8 weeks...which probably to some may feel excessive...but I am connecting...I am learning...I am loving...and yes, in some ways I am trying to make up for lost time...(even though I know that can not possibly be done)
They came here for a visit...all 5 of them...my son, his wife, my uniquely wonderful teenage grand daughter...my captivating grandson...and my adorable littlest grand daughter...oh and the fabulous dog too) To have them all here did my heart so much good...to be able to interact with them and have them close was a little slice of heaven...I miss them so much...
Distance is a strange thing...there are so many things that keep everyone connected these days...there is this machine...telephones...Skype...cell phones...Facebook...blogs...but nothing...NOTHING can compare to being able to reach out and hug the people you love...
And although the time they spent here was short...and things felt "different" and a bit stressed...
it made my heart smile...
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Do understand that you get to choose NOW...understand that the shame and judgment that was put upon you during the birth of your son does NOT have to control you in anyway anymore...
You are not the same girl that you were in 1969...this is not the same world...
You can feel badly that you do not see him as much as you would like...OR...you can be happy to know that when you choose to reach out he is there...he responds and everything is good.
You could get upset about the past...OR...you can be happy for the relationship you are building.
Focus on NOW instead of THEN...
Dear Patricia...
A celebration of the heart...
The month of May is very special to me (and my heart) for all sorts of reasons...
1. My daughter was born on the 15th
2. My sister was born on the 19th
3. My late husband was born on the 26th
4. Other family members were also born this month.
MAY 10th is the anniversary date of the first time I talked to my son (and family)...and then of course there is Mother's Day. Quite a double celebration!
Two days in row that tug at my heart. Two days in a row that forever changed my life.
My son was my first born...and for 42 years Mother's Day was not acknowledged by anyone for me in regards to him. It was a hole in my heart...a piece missing . When my daughter was born in 1973 I was finally allowed to celebrate Mother's Day...but that hole and the piece were still missing. Don't get me wrong...I still celebrated...I still loved being a Mother...I gave my all to that position I held in life...but there was always that part of me that was never acknowledged...there was always the child that was not a part of my life...
I wondered this year as I sent out an anniversary card to my son and family...if there will come a day when I will no longer need to honor the day that we first talked...if we would get to a place where we would acknowledge the "normal" days that most families celebrate...and my mind could not wrap around that thought...it is a milestone for us as Mother and Son...
There are stories that all Mothers can tell about their children...what they were like as babies...the first time they said MAMA...how they did in school...what they loved to do as they grew up...and Gerard and I do not have those...but what we do have is MAY 10th....The beginning of a life that we would share together...
I do not dwell anymore on the things that I missed with my son...I no longer go there...it serves me no purpose...instead I hold onto the things that we have...what we share together now...the memories that we are making together...
I hold onto the sentiment of the card I received from him for this anniversary date...and my heart celebrates...
Miles apart...and missing you with all my heart.
1. My daughter was born on the 15th
2. My sister was born on the 19th
3. My late husband was born on the 26th
4. Other family members were also born this month.
MAY 10th is the anniversary date of the first time I talked to my son (and family)...and then of course there is Mother's Day. Quite a double celebration!
Two days in row that tug at my heart. Two days in a row that forever changed my life.
My son was my first born...and for 42 years Mother's Day was not acknowledged by anyone for me in regards to him. It was a hole in my heart...a piece missing . When my daughter was born in 1973 I was finally allowed to celebrate Mother's Day...but that hole and the piece were still missing. Don't get me wrong...I still celebrated...I still loved being a Mother...I gave my all to that position I held in life...but there was always that part of me that was never acknowledged...there was always the child that was not a part of my life...
I wondered this year as I sent out an anniversary card to my son and family...if there will come a day when I will no longer need to honor the day that we first talked...if we would get to a place where we would acknowledge the "normal" days that most families celebrate...and my mind could not wrap around that thought...it is a milestone for us as Mother and Son...
There are stories that all Mothers can tell about their children...what they were like as babies...the first time they said MAMA...how they did in school...what they loved to do as they grew up...and Gerard and I do not have those...but what we do have is MAY 10th....The beginning of a life that we would share together...
I do not dwell anymore on the things that I missed with my son...I no longer go there...it serves me no purpose...instead I hold onto the things that we have...what we share together now...the memories that we are making together...
I hold onto the sentiment of the card I received from him for this anniversary date...and my heart celebrates...
Miles apart...and missing you with all my heart.
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Sometimes you are the only one on earth who knows exactly the battles that you have had to fight, the dragons you have had to slay, the muck you have had to walk through, the pain you have had to endure, the strength you have had to build, the wisdom you have had to earn. Sometimes you are the only one who knows the depth that is behind your own eyes.
For this reason beautiful friend, it is so important that you give yourself the kind of respect that you would give to someone who has lived through all that you have lived through. It is so important that you are compassionate with yourself, that you are gentle with yourself, that you are patient with yourself. It is so important that you continue to remind yourself that you have made it through tough things and that you will continue to make it through things. It is so important that you give yourself credit for what you have learned so far instead of comparing yourself with others. It is so important that you cheer yourself on, instead of putting yourself through the ringer. It is so important that you are fair and kind with this sacred information that you have about yourself. No one, aside from your Creator, knows what you know about yourself, so you must be careful and responsible and a noble guardian over these things.
You are worth whatever it takes for you to be respectful, kind, patient and good to yourself. Listen to your heart, listen to your dreams, listen to the things that hurt and take care of them. No matter how much someone else loves you they cannot know what it means to BE you, and so you must do the work of BEING YOU and taking care of you.
Take the time dear Patricia...You are so important.
Be good to YOU, so that you can be good to everyone you love and good at everything you love.
Dear Patricia...
What has happened in the past 4 months...WOW! A lot of personal stuff...health problems with my Mother who is 88 and then there are my own health issues...and the passing of my fabulous Aunt and my dear friend within 24 hours of each other...Holding it together.
In the beginning of the year I started a journal "YOU ARE SO LOVED" for myself dealing with just adoption and the issues that pop up for me....Each page contains a letter I have addressed to Dear Patricia...some of those letters are addressing my 17 year old self from my older self...some are addressing me from a source deep within...but it has so helped my healing...I thought I was over a great many issues surrounding adoption, but they still were there...this journal has helped me in so many ways...
The biggest thing that I have found is that I understand that getting upset about the things that I cannot change serves me no purpose other than to continue the hurt...I cannot change anything...I cannot go back....and if I continue to do that it will kill me and kill my relationship with my son...I refuse to let that happen!
The other day when talking with my son...I mentioned that this was the longest period of time we have gone without getting together...he jokingly added "well there were those 42 years" to which I replied "I don't count those"...and a light bulb went off in my heart and my head...NO I DON'T COUNT THOSE ANYMORE!
And what I realized is that the journaling has brought me to this place...that getting my feelings down on paper...that speaking my truth and being heard has helped me to accept those things I can never change...
As parents we silently tell our children that we will provide and protect them as they grow...because I could never do that actually writing it down brought peace to my heart...and I am HAPPY!
In the beginning of the year I started a journal "YOU ARE SO LOVED" for myself dealing with just adoption and the issues that pop up for me....Each page contains a letter I have addressed to Dear Patricia...some of those letters are addressing my 17 year old self from my older self...some are addressing me from a source deep within...but it has so helped my healing...I thought I was over a great many issues surrounding adoption, but they still were there...this journal has helped me in so many ways...
The biggest thing that I have found is that I understand that getting upset about the things that I cannot change serves me no purpose other than to continue the hurt...I cannot change anything...I cannot go back....and if I continue to do that it will kill me and kill my relationship with my son...I refuse to let that happen!
The other day when talking with my son...I mentioned that this was the longest period of time we have gone without getting together...he jokingly added "well there were those 42 years" to which I replied "I don't count those"...and a light bulb went off in my heart and my head...NO I DON'T COUNT THOSE ANYMORE!
And what I realized is that the journaling has brought me to this place...that getting my feelings down on paper...that speaking my truth and being heard has helped me to accept those things I can never change...
As parents we silently tell our children that we will provide and protect them as they grow...because I could never do that actually writing it down brought peace to my heart...and I am HAPPY!
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Ozzie and Harriet is not the norm! It never was! That was a television program!
Each branch...each twig of love on your family tree is there to support you...whether sprawling and far flung or tiny and barely there they are all necessary...
"...Love is not love
which alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever fixed mark
that looks on tempests and is never shaken..."
I use to think that Shakespeare's Sonnet # 16 was about romantic love. I use to think that romantic love was the only kind that caused fireworks of the heart and deserved serious attention. Then I had children...I nursed people who were dying...I was reunited with my son.
It turns out that , if you believe in love, there are an awful lot of people TO LOVE. Our capacity to love is not limited...time is a constraint and so is energy, but love that makes your life better gives you more of what you need.
Throw open the door....and gather up the whole beautiful variegated bouquet of family.
And LOVE...
And BE LOVED...
What I know to be true:
1. I love the people I love deeply.
2. I have a deep desire to protect people I love deeply.
3. Sometimes love means I get to take a step back and allow others to find their own path and trust that I did my job and served my purpose in that moment in time...and believe they will remember what I taught them is pure and good.
4. I know who I am and what I am about and what things, actions and words will support me in being in true alignment with my essence.
5. My Ego does not have the last ay in most of my choices. But sometimes it does (or tries).
6. My Spirit speaks louder than my Ego and I must trust in it. But sometimes I don't.
7. The gift is ALWAYS in the experience even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.
8. My truth is MY TRUTH, Your truth is YOUR TRUTH, Honor all truths.
9. Sometimes silence is the best policy and part of the job. Perception is perception and it all is relative.
10. I am a Teller of Truths and Keeper of Sacred Dreams, my loyalty is fierce, my compassion runs deep and I believe in ALL POSSUBILIIES...even when it seems impossible.
EVERYTHING is secretly utterly perfect. Knowing this to be true lightens my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)