After the visit in August from my son and his family although I knew that things were stressed because of my son's depression I still had hopes when a surprise e mail came my way...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
For my September birthday I received this e mail with an attached plane ticket to come and visit with him and the family for his birthday. (since reuniting I had not missed one). I was happy and excited for the 3 day weekend gift of celebration in November.
But alas...it was not to be. When I called a week before I talked to his wife about purchasing a birthday cake for him and she told me "IF you are here for his birthday we will be making an ice cream cake"...I heard those words but only said...GREAT...That will be fun!
Several days later after having those words eat at me I decided that I would give my son a reprieve by offering to NOT come...and he took me up on it. Even though I knew that the possibility of that being the answer I still cried...it was almost like a wash of sadness came over me quickly...I could not talk with him on the phone I hurt so badly...
After our phone conversation a series of e mails were exchanged...
Mom
I’m sorry to be a source of sadness for you.
I have been feeling rather disconnected lately. I go to work, I do my job but I do it rather mechanically. A bit mechanistically. A good machine, very professional, but lacking emotion. It’s the same at home. I’m not sure why. It started during the summer though. I felt like I was changing chemically. I as getting impatient and I “hated this world”. Lately I’ve been feeling like I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t alive. I’m just existing.
I ‘know’ that I want to live a more full life. I want to be emotionally connected to people. When I saw the movie Guardians of the Galaxy I felt touched. I felt the possibility of connectedness. But right now I feel alone, like that poem by Edgar Allen Poe… and all I’d loved I’d loved alone.
I do think its chemical. But l don’t want to do anything about it. I know that’s part of being depressed but I just don’t have the drive to do it, to change. I don’t even want to borrow the will to do it for someone else. I feel like Doctor Falken in the movie War Games. He gave up on humanity after his son Joshua died. The kids went to him for help but he just said it was too late. He was done.
But he did think about it. He did rally behind them. They inspired him. Groot inspired me, so did rocket. Rocket is a fighter. I feel like I’m not a fighter anymore. Too much peace. You know, like its all OK. Live … die … whatever. No anger. But also no drama. I miss the drama. I miss the comeback, the fight the struggle. I wonder if I don’t give my children enough to rail against. Doesn’t strength come from resistance? Don’t astronauts grow weak in space?
But stick with me. I went to a counselor yesterday. He asked if I had a goal for our meetings, a desired outcome. It never occurred to me. I thought I was going because my wife made the appointment. I think I did it for me.
I used to think I had a purpose. I don’t feel like I have one now. Somewhere along the way I lost my way.
I’m on my way.
Love always,
Your son
Dear Son...
I love you …and I SO understand…
and Thank You for sharing with me.
And as for you being a source of sadness for me…
You must realize that at times I am my own source of sadness (not
unlike you)
You can write to me about your feelings anytime…
I can only offer what has worked for me…use what you will and
discard the rest…Please think about this:
I think we can help each other…
You are SO LOVED!
All the work I thought I had been doing to heal suddenly seemed like a drop of nothingness...I tried to explain my reaction to both my son and his wife...I tried to make them understand that I was my own worst enemy when it came to the adoption...I tried to not to go to that dark place...
I sent out his gift...and I cried...deep down sobs...trying to release the hurt...not the hurt from not being there...but the hurt that adoption had caused my heart....This would be my sons 45th birthday...and not celebrating it with him caused me to spin totally out of control...My Doctor called it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...It caused me to go into a spiral of depression back to 1969...it was deep ... it was dark...the wound appeared to be wide open and I did not know what to do...except to cry and see my Doctor weekly in order to try to make sense of why this was happening now 2 1/2 years later.
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