Because I knew now that my son was in a really bad emotional state I waited to be contacted by him. I never felt all that comfortable calling his house since the beginning...for some reason I felt that I was intruding...that feeling was worse now so I would send out an e mail just to let him know I was thinking of him.
I asked him if he still wanted me to continue sending my daily journal page...I usually did a small mandala and thoughts every morning...and his answer was yes. He had also written a letter which asked me to contact him if something was going on with my family here (health problems with my mother) I usually texted his wife about those things, because I felt that she could let him know easier and I did not want to bother him during the day while he was at work.. and I did that. I continued to send cards to him and his family...I tried to maintain the same sort of communication even though I knew that things were no where near the same.
His birthday came and I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday...his wife was distant on the phone when I asked to speak to him...I had written her a letter about my emotional response to not coming for his birthday to explain my feelings...and saying that it had nothing really to do with not coming but rather it was a flood of old emotions...
Thanksgiving came...we each missed each others phone calls and so phone messages were left back and forth...
I had started working on my "Dear Patricia" journal and I had asked if he might be willing to talk to me about adoption...(it was not something we talked about ...he had said he had a good life and he had thanked me for giving him life...although he always wondered if adoption did not have a role in his depression but he ruled that out somewhere along the line)...
He was open to answering questions about adoption (OF COURSE DEAR MOTHER) was his answer...I explained that I was thinking about a book and would like his input along with his wife's input on how reunion affected their life.
Everything was moving along at a much slower pace now...everything seemed to be changing...e mails were exchanged here and there...I assured him that even if I sent out an e mail it did not mean that he had to send one back...that they were meant to let him know he was being thought about.
I started Christmas shopping after Thanksgiving...I made gifts for the family...even though the thought had been put out there that the airline ticket from his birthday would hopefully be used for early December the date had been changed on the ticket for May of the following year...(graduation from grammar school and confirmation for my grandson).
Each passing day was filled with thoughts of how to make things better for my son...how to ease his depression...
and each passing day brought about a depression of my own...(a different depression than I had ever known before)
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