Dear Patricia: April 2016

Dear Patricia...

How do you search for a person when you have little to no information?

My son started on the internet 11 years before meeting...he created a web site which included a letter he had written to his birth parents...he included pictures of himself and his family...but he was armed with little to no information...he had his birth city...how old I was at the time of his birth...his birth date...and that it was a private adoption...

The information I had was the wrong birth date for so many years...what city he was born in...and his last name...HIS LAST NAME? Yes...when signing the final adoption decree my shaking hand moved a piece of paper that the judge had covering the top of the paper...and I saw it...the adoptive parents names...but again for years my memory played tricks on me and I was spelling their last name wrong, although I had the first names right. I was also told that they were professional people...Doctors to be exact and I knew they must live in the NYC area because that was where I was flown a year after his birth to sign the final adoption papers (which is a whole nightmare story in itself)...so really I had about as much information as he did...

A needle in a haystack!

My son did however know about the New York State department of health registry and he registered with them. You filled out a request saying if/when your child or parent registered that they could give out your name and address to them. BUT the catch was that you both had to be registered in order to get that information. They would give you non-disclosure information but it ended up being no more than he already knew. I on the other hand knew NOTHING about this...and my search kept going to DR. and MRS. of NY....And I was never going to find anything because they were not Doctors and I was spelling the last name wrong...He also registered on the adoption site...which there are literally hundreds of...

"There is no instinct like that of the heart." ~ Lord Byron.

There were long comfortable phone conversations where we were learning about each other...emails that revealed how we were feeling...the excitement of it all...but how it also felt so natural...so right. As if we had known each other all of our lives...but then of course we had in our hearts...we had a connection that comes from carrying a child for 9 months...a bonding that could not be broken over time...Mother and Son reunited.

We each told the story about this reuniting...I told everyone...blog posts were written...facebook was notified...I told friends...I told strangers in the bank! I was beaming like a new mother...I made no excuses for myself, but rather strutted around like a proud peacock...this was my son, this was my first born child...this was love. He told the people that he worked with...he told his students...he told his friends...but he had not told his parents.

I thought about that...and tried to put myself into their shoes. How would I feel if I was them? My immediate thought was that I would want to protect him...it would not matter to me that he was a grown man...I would want to know that this woman was who she said she was...I would want to know that she was not some sort of loon who was going to prey on his emotions...I would want to know that she didn't feel as if she could walk in and replace me, after all she had given up her parental rights...All these thoughts and more were running around in my head.

I decided that I would register with the New York State Department of Health giving them permission to disclose our personal information to each other. I printed out the paperwork, I had it notarized and sent it out...within a weeks time I had a letter from them that stated that they had a match for me and I needed now to fill out and sign more paperwork (got to love the red tape!) and have those notarized and sent back. After another week or so an official letter from New York State arrived.

I opened it slowly...carefully...with just a hint of fear.

Mrs. Mosca:

The New York State Department of Health Adoption and Medical Information Registry has received all the notarize consents necessary to release identifying information (current names and addresses) regarding your registration. Therefore, I am pleased to provide you with the following information:

Adoptee: here was my son's name and address.
Biological Mother: here I was listed.
Biological Father: REGISTRATION NOT REQUIRED

The New York State Department of Health Adoption and Medical Information Registry appreciates the opportunity of serving you. Best wishes for a successful reunion. If you have any questions please contact the adoption registry.

Sincerely,
The Health Program Administrator.

I called my son, and asked him if he received his paperwork...He said yes..."congratulations you are my Mom"...My reply was "It's a Boy"! We made light of something that our hearts already knew...but I have to admit, holding that piece of paper...that paper that I did not believe I needed...made everything perfectly real.

Dear Patricia...

(There were many days that my emotions about this reunion swirled around me...up and down...in and out ranging from being so happy to being so depressed...the patterns of my past needed to be address so that I could relax and enjoy this moment to the fullest extent...)

Dear Patricia...

When you are unsettled...confused...it results in feelings of insecurity...

Take time to sit and explore...be alone...ponder...question...receive insights from your heart...work through what you can...feel confident that all will be well...choose happiness!

Build your sense of inner security and empowerment with positive affirmations...YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH...YOU ARE STRONG...YOU ARE LOVED! Give yourself the strength you need to take control of your thoughts and emotions. You do not have to stay in that dark place anymore...Life is changing for you...your son is in your life.

By taking time to understand the source of these negative emotions you can help start to resolve them...you can regain your true self. These unresolved conflicts cause feelings of confusion and uncertainty that you no longer need to hold on to.

When you turn within and explore these feelings in detail it will help you discern the reasons for them...If you understand the issues causing your distress you can find a way to resolve them or perhaps come to a sense of peace and acceptance...

To feel more confident NOW...take control of your thoughts.

CHOOSE HAPPINESS!

Dear Patricia...

God sends children to enlarge our hearts, and make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affections. ~ Mary Howitt

...One thing I am aware of is being a parent of an adult that was entrusted to adoption. You rarely think of it that way...usually one says "a child or a baby" entrusted to adoption. Yes...the truth is that he was entrusted to adoption as a baby...but now upon reuniting with him he is an adult. This is a totally different relationship...

As a parent we are asked to arise to some of the most difficult challenges. A really large one is that of attachment and un-attaching. As a successful parent we love our children...and that love attaches us to them. It is also that love that requires us to let them go...let them leave the nest and fly at the right time on their own path. This requires us to un-attach from them.

What a fine line that is. Attachment and un-attachment. As parents we love our children with every fiber of our being. We often love them more than anyone or anything else in our lives. This often causes us to either blur or over step that fine line...especially as their independence grows. Yet we know in our hearts that loving them requires that we do let them go.

Our children must learn to follow their own paths. We can provide them with our love, guidance and nurturing as they grow in order for them to make their own decisions. Those decisions lead them in all sorts of directions...some we fear...some we don't understand and some we beam with great pride from. But it is always during these times that we must stand on the sidelines, we might have to fearfully watch as they slip and fall, we might have to throw them a towel so they can dry them self off, or we might be cheering them on. As parents we can only hope that we have provided the right foundation, the right tools for them to succeed as they make their decisions. All this takes place gradually over the years. It happens between the times of holding their hands to guide them around real and imagined obstacles to honoring them as fully grown adults who no longer require our guidance. It might well be that independence is the greatest gift a parent can offer their children.

How do you cross that line from attachment to un-attachment when you meet your child for the first time as an adult? It is a reverse life that we must lead. In a sense, the letting go was supposedly done, at least physically, years before (although our hearts knew that was never true) however, we were not the one who held their hand to guide them...we were not the one that stood on the sideline to cheer them on or throw them a towel...when we re-entered each others lives we were at the point where we are peers.

Still there is more to being a parent to a newly found adult child...there is more than meets the eye. That un-attachment is an impossible thing to do, for what we are doing is forming an attachment. We are finding our way through our own real and imaginary obstacles. We are finding our way back to one another. There is no letting go.

Parenting asks us to arise to some of the most difficult challenges.

I am a mother and a friend to my son. I am allowing our new life to unfold without the history of parenthood. I am taking small steps in discovering who we are...one stoke at a time I swim in these uncharted waters. I am a mother and a friend exploring new ground...finding sure footing with each new step...with each time we are together...with each phone call and letter.

I am remembering that we are each souls in this new world making our way the best we can...reconnecting...reattaching to one another. I hope that we can walk this new life together as...child...mother...friend with confidence and peace in our hearts.

Dear Patricia...

Patterns....they have emerged since 1969...repeatedly...choices that influenced your development. Having a large impact that has proven to be life-altering.

Choices that affected the quality of your life in the past because of how you felt about yourself...how you allowed others to make you feel about yourself....patterns that you have carried with you since 1969.

You CAN seek out a private place where you CAN better hear your small inner voice. Listen closely....be still...you CAN learn to deal with the patterns that impacted your existence....you CAN move forward.

I am your 17 year old self and you need to know this...

I CAN dream!

I CAN explore!

I CAN hope!

I CAN believe!

I CAN love perfectly!

I CAN be loved!

(poem by Terri St.Cloud www.BoneSighArts.com )

Dear Patricia...

In the beginning of all new relationships we all try to go slow...but sometimes it almost feels impossible to do that...TRY NOT TO RUSH...was what I kept saying over and over to myself and yet RUSHING to make up for 42 years was all I really wanted to do...

IMPOSSIBLE...I cannot make up for the 42 years I was not there...and the flood gates began to open and all the emotion started pouring in...there were moments where I was once again that scared 17 year old who felt that at any moment I would be pushed away...

What was I suppose to do with all this fear while I was so happy to have finally been reunited? How do I merge this fear with the excitement? Can I?

Life was changing...changing all around me and I did not see some of it because I was blinded by the reality that this was my son...MY SON whom I had not seen since he was 3 days old...and so much time had now passed...

I wanted my heart to be full...and yet so many insecurities were beginning to surface...

Dear Patricia...

Mother's Day 2012

Most mornings I do a small mandala drawing and write and affirmation for myself...an affirmation that allows me to look within to see what it is that I need to pay attention to...the morning of, May 11, 2012 I did the one below:

My heart has FINALLY been unlocked!

My heart is so full right now I think I might burst....This is the best Mother's Day in 42 years!
I am blessed to Welcome back into my life....my son ..and now his wife and 3 new found grandchildren...and lets not forget about the dog!
I am truly beyond happy!! I am truly blessed!!!
LIFE IS SO VERY VERY VERY GOOD!

I called my daughter to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, (up until yesterday I believed I only had one grandchild, and now I had four!) I told her my exciting news and she was also happy for me...I called my sister also and told her...I would of taken an ad out in the local paper...I would of shouted it from the roof top...I wanted to let the world know that I had talked with my son...In less than 24 hours the "secret" was not a "secret" anymore! It no longer had control of me...I no longer cared who knew what because I had talked to my son! And then there was the very first e mail that I received addressed to Mom (is it ok that I call you that?) OK...it was MORE than I possibly could of imagined. I talked to my friend who was on vacation and told her all about our phone conversation and she was over the moon happy for me...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Dinner was at my sisters house in the afternoon. I was beaming...as we sat there at the table, was asked if I was having a good day...GOOD? OH...this day was more than GOOD...this was the best Mother's Day I have had in 42 years....I told my story...watching carefully for my own Mothers reaction. She looked at me when I finished with tears in her eyes..."I am so happy for you...you deserve to know your son, and he deserves to know you" but like every good mother she was fearful for me...how can you be sure it is really him? she asked. My heart tells me it is him was the answer that had.

Later that evening, the phone rang and the caller ID printed out my sons name...Hello, was how I answered ( I have to admit that I loved saying his name right out loud!) And what I heard next was a family singing "Happy Mother's Day to You" to the tune of "Happy Birthday to you"...
When the song was completed, my son said...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM! While talking to him I told him about the dinner conversation and the way people reacted to the news, and I asked him if he wanted me to register with New York State so that they could release our names and addresses to each other, so there would be no question that I was his mother...and he was my son. He said, I know who you are...I know in my heart that it is you! (we have quite a few very similar interests and sayings!). I talked to his wife...and briefly to the children. I was beyond happy...and still trying to make sense of all that had happened in this short time. (I know it really wasn't short, because we both had been searching for so long)...but it was short from the moment that I found him on the internet...to this moment right now....this moment where for the first time in 42 years my first born son was saying HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to me....for the first time in 42 years I was feeling whole.

This was the beginning of late night phone calls and an exchange of e mails between us...and also between his wife and myself...

This was the beginning of rediscovering each other and the unbreakable red thread that connected us together...

Dear Patricia...

"If I am dreaming let me never wake, If I am awake let me never sleep."~ Chinese Proverb

It started with Hello...

I told him that I was sure that this phone call came as a shock out of the clear blue...he told me that once he heard the message, he did not hesitate to call...he just immediately hit redial! He and his family had been out all day and had just arrived home...and as for the e mails...he never got them. Those e mail addresses were no longer active. The Six Degrees of Separation had been up for 11 years, and he never got a hit off it...when it came time to renew it, which was just the week before, he and his wife decided that they would not do that...the site would be up for another week and after that it would cease to exist. Now, I knew that this was some kind of miracle...this was meant to be, exactly at this moment in our lives.

I asked if he would like to hear my story...and I told him all the basic information of being in love at 17 years old...pregnant at 17 years old...confused at 17 years old. I gave him the lawyers name and told him what hospital he was born in...I admitted that it took me till just the other day to remember his birth date, I explained about my "friend" on facebook and how my heart had popped open with the date on the morning of the 8th...I told him my story...getting these facts out of myself...he sat listening on the other end.

When I finished I asked if he had any questions...Yes, he said. What religion would you have put on your paperwork? What religion?...I laughed a little, really in 1969 I would not say that I would of been active in any church...but, it would of either of been Methodist, as a kid I had joined that church...quite honestly because my friend, Janet went there and we went to church camp together in the summer...OR it could of been Presbyterian...because, after Janet moved away every one else that I was friends with went to that church if they weren't Catholic. Methodist, he said...you put down Methodist.

This seemed to be the only bit of information he had about me...He knew that it was a private adoption, done through lawyers...he knew that I was 18 years old at the time of relinquishment...he knew I was from Rochester, New York...he knew I was Methodist. His parents told him he was adopted around the time he was 11 years old...and they made sure that he knew that not only did they love him, but that I did also. He placed me in his heart and carried me there, he said. It made me cry again...because that is where he was placed within me all these years.

He asked if I would hold for a moment as his family was coming in the house...certainly I would. It was then that he said..."You are never going to believe who I am talking to...I am talking to my Mother...my real Mother...my birth mother". There was all sorts of screaming and excitement in the background...GRANDMA PEANUT? You are really talking to GRANDMA PEANUT. Who was grandma peanut, I thought to myself? But the excitement in the background made me smile...it made me laugh...it made me happy. What is her name I heard his wife say...I need to google her! Ah...the "stalking" could now take place on their end! He came back on line and said...sorry about that, you already have a name here...YOU are Grandma Peanut! It seemed that when he explained to his children that he was adopted, I was given the name Grandma Peanut, because a fetus is small like a peanut and he grew in another Mothers' belly. A Mother who loved him but could not care for him, so their grandparents...his parents... who could not have children, would raise him and love him for her. I had always been in their prayers..."And God bless Grandma Peanut wherever she is, may we meet her some day soon". I was overwhelmed with happiness...I was a member of the family, and I did not even know it.

There was so much more to our conversation that night...we talked for almost 4 hours! I was finally feeling totally drained...both emotionally and physically as was he and we ended our conversation for the evening...I told him that I loved him...that I always had and that I always would, he told me that he loved me too. There was so much more to say, we would talk soon and I would E mail him at the proper address now that I had that.

After I got off the phone...I was so emotional...my youngest son, who lives with me, must of over heard me crying and came and asked me what was going on...I told him, about finding my first born...He was happy for me...he hugged me and laughingly said..." HOO-HOO....I have a brother...I have an older brother...not that I didn't know that...but now I really have an older brother". He and I sat in the living room talking till 4 in the morning...

It was Sunday, May 11, 2012...it was Mother's Day.

Dear Patricia...

COURAGE

Sharing a Rumi poem posted by a friend today:

There's courage involved if you want to become the truth
There's a broken, open place in a lover
Where are the qualities of bravery and sharp compassion in this group?
What's the use of old and frozen thought?
I want a howling hurt
This is not a treasury where gold is stored
This is for copper
We alchemists look for talent that can heat up and ...change

Luke warm won't do
Half hearted, holding back well enough, getting by, not here
There's courage involved if you want to become the truth

(All of us who are members of the triad know about COURAGE!)

I do not sleep very well...but the night of May 8th it was almost impossible to sleep...perhaps I got a couple hours before the morning of the 9th. I checked my e mail to see if there was a response to my mail. It was now Friday....he would be at work, perhaps he lonely checks his e mail once a day after work....perhaps I should be patient...PERHAPS! Here I had nothing to go on for 42 years and yet I felt an urgency to connect with him immediately. But then the series of what ifs came into play again...What if he no longer wanted to hear from me? What if after 11 years of searching he had given up on me...and resigned himself to be okay with that? What if he no longer had that e mail address? What if I was fooling myself completely and this was not him? What if I was not lovable or on the right path?

What if....what if...what if?

And what was I suppose to do while I waited? Did I say I was a patient person? Did I say that instant gratification was a wonderful thing? Was I checking my e mail box every five minutes? Was I making myself crazy, more nervous, more upset with each passing hour? YES...YES...YES! I called my new/old friend from facebook and told him that I believed I found my son...that I had written e mails to several different addresses...He suggested that I write another giving him a little more information about myself....so that he might believe I was really his mother....after all there are lots of mistaken identities out there. He suggested that I find him on facebook and request to be his "friend". By mid day I was once again on the internet. I was once again looking for him...and I was constantly going back to his picture which I had now saved on my computer. I knew this was him...my heart knew it...but how do I get him to know it? I did not friend him on facebook...but rather I sent a message to his wife...woman to woman I wrote her my hearts story. Perhaps if he was fearful she would be able to help him to get past that and contact me. By late afternoon when I still had no response (did I say I was a patient woman?) I called my dear friend, who always called me on my sons birthday to see how I was doing...I had left her a message the night before asking that she call me...I had no urgency in my voice the night before and did not say it was important...I suppose it sounded to her like...Hi how are you? Call me back message. On this new message I was crying...I asked her to call me as soon as possible that I needed to talk to her. Little did I know she was on vacation...she was on the golf course...when she called me back...she was concerned because of the urgency in my voice. When I told her that I had found him...she said that she would call me right back after she finished her game.

She listened as I told her about the "friend" on facebook...how I had the birth date break through...how he was on the adoption registry site...how I looked all over the internet and found pictures of him and his wife and children....how I sent out the emails to him and one to his wife...how I had heard nothing from either of them...I told her all my fears of not being "good enough" for him to want to find me anymore. BREATHE she told me...and then she asked me if I had called him...called him?...you have got to be kidding me...call him? Heck he wasn't answering e mails...I couldn't call him. I just couldn't call him....what would I say...Hi I'm your birth mother....you know the one who gave you up for adoption 42 years ago...care to talk about that? She was a voice of reason...perhaps the email addresses are no longer active....perhaps he did not check those addresses because they were 11 years old...perhaps he was on vacation....In all your searching did you find a phone number and address? Write a letter to him she said...although that is going to take more time....CALL HIM! No....there was no way I was going to call him on the phone...I couldn't....the fear was to great....the fear of rejection was more that I thought I could handle....his e mail silence was deafening enough....Think about it she said....don't rule it out.

I kept checking my IN box...there were many e mails there but not the one I was hoping for my friend called back early that evening...by now, I was a complete and utter mess...OKAY she had called her son, (she had been reunited with for 13 years now) he also lived in the New York City area, as did my son. He offered to call him for me...thinking perhaps talking to another adoptee might let him know that it was safe to call this woman....that his mother knew her and a she was a wonderful person...or my friend would call him for me and be the middle person....either way she and her son KNEW that the phone call needed to be made and that they would give me till 4:00 on Saturday afternoon to call, otherwise they were taking matters into their own hands for me. They would alleviate my fears...Friday evening the 9th was a long difficult one for me...checking e mails over and over....looking at the pictures of him and his family...crying....and crying some more. Who could I call and tell....who could I talk to about this? I needed some sort of assurance that I was going to be alright, and yet I did not want to tell anyone else, just encase he didn't choose to talk to me. And what was I going to tell them, that I thought I had found my son...this was almost more pain then not knowing where he was...this was questioning myself over and over about not being good enough because of what I did so many years ago with placing him for adoption...this was raking up all the guilt and fear that I felt...all the feelings of why would he want to know me....I haven't been there for him...this was painful.

On Saturday, May 10th around noon, or one or two o'clock (I don't remember but I knew it was before four) I decided to pull on my big girl panties...after all I was 60 years old! I composed the message over and over...finally picking up the phone I dialed the phone number. After a few rings the answering machine came on (thank goodness I thought to myself) it was not one of those messages that said, "Hello...you have reached the (insert name here) family. We are not able to get the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number we will get back to you as soon as possible" But rather it was the robotic voice that prompted me to leave a message that afternoon, that told me nothing about the family that lived there. Nervously said..." This message if for (I am leaving out my son's name here) my name is Patricia Mosca, my maiden name was Patricia King. I am from Rochester, New York, Monroe County (he seemed to think on his sites that this was an important piece of information) and I believe that you and I may have a connection. You can reach me at (insert e mail address here) or by phone (insert phone number here) I hope to hear from you soon. I kept it as generic as possible, there were children who lived in the house and I had no idea how much they might know about me if they happened to listen to the message, and really because of the robotic message I had no idea if I even had the right number. I called my friend and told her that I made the call and now I had to wait once again to see fi I actually got a call back. She was very proud of me...he will call back she assured me.

The next 6 to 7 hours were so difficult...every time the phone rang, which I kept in my hand...my heart jumped out of my body as I looked at the caller ID (thank goodness for modern technology) It was not until after 9:00 (at least it was somewhere around that time) that evening when the caller ID revealed his name...

I picked up the phone and said Hello (insert son's name here)...How are you?

Dear Patricia...

The first step...

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Once i got to the adoption registration site, I started questioning myself. What if my memory was not correct...what if I still had the wrong date. What if he wasn't looking for me...so many what ifs. There were so many different ways to search on the site...depending on how little or how much you knew. Seeing as I had so little information I decided to widen the search...I placed November 1969 and pressed search...1,569 matches came up for November 1969.

The matches came up with different categories that ran across the top of the page...

                         Adoptee Name...Birth date...Birthplace...Submitted by.

I decided that I would concentrate on the Birth place column, not letting my eyes go right or left to any of the other columns. I would start on November 1st...Looking for Rochester, New York. There were 32 pages of names...mothers looking for children...children looking for parents...siblings looking for each other. On November 9...I saw Rochester, NY, but it was a female searching...November 12 was a male searching but there was very little information...November 14 there was another male listed but he was born at the wrong hospital. There on page 17 I found November 15...I saw Rochester, NY I looked across the categories to Adoptee name...And there I saw the last name that I remembered from so long ago (the spelling was a little different)...the last name that would make me scream right out loud...OH MY GOD! I was physically shaking...I was crying...I kept saying over and over...I HAVE FINALLY FOUND HIM. I got up from my chair and started walking around the room...I was shaking...I was in total shock...after all the years of searching there he was... I sat back down and clicked on to see the information that he had provided...He had very little information listed, all he knew was that he was born on November 15, 1969, and that he was adopted at birth through a private adoption. He did not know the lawyers name...or the hospital he was born in. He wrote that he was short...had brown hair and blue eyes. That he was a teacher with an MA. and that he was married. He also had 2 adopted siblings...a brother and a sister.

What do I do with this information? Should I sit here and take it all in? Should I press on the e mail address provided and tell him that I believed that I was his mother? I sat staring at the computer crying, but knowing for the first time that my son was looking for ME...He was searching the internet and had been doing so since 2001...OK...so I believed it was him...my heart told me it was him...but I really needed more proof...so I set about "stalking" him on the internet. I googled him..I yahooed him...I even binged him. I would type in his name, press search and came up with information about where he taught, the subject he taught...BIOLOGY, and what students thought of him. I would press again  and then that would lead me to another site that gave me his address and phone number and for a small fee I could purchase personal information about him (if he had a criminal record)...I wanted to see his parents full names somewhere...And finally there they were listed under his name on a paying site...May be related to: it listed his parents, his wife, and his brother and sister...I was staring at the names of his parents just like I remembered...the only difference was I had been spelling their last name wrong all these years...I was one letter off in a last name that I thought ended in "son"...when it was actually "sen". I would of never found him had I not talked to my facebook "friend" who helped my heart unlock the date of his birth.

As I continued to search I found a website that he started in 2001...Six Degrees of Separation was the heading..."Someone knows someone who knows someone who know my birth mother, please help me locate her by sending this off to everyone that you know." He had a letter there that said he has had a wonderful life...and that he did not know the reasons he was placed up for adoption , he knew that it was the hardest thing I had ever done, and he knew that it was out of love for him that I did that. Up at the top of the site were categories...one of them was  "About Us". At first, I was hesitant to click it on...it was probably a plug for the site to get you to purchase something...But I finally did and there...there I found pictures of my son...pictures of his wife...pictures of his 3 children. A flood of emotions poured out of me.

Here I sat at 11:00 in the evening, on Thursday, May 8th looking at a picture of my son...a son who was no longer 3 days old...a son who was married now with a family of his own. My son was looking at me from the computer...he looked like my family...he had our high cheek bones...our blue eyes...that funny little grin...he had our hands...My 3 day old son grew up before my very eyes...he was no longer the baby that I kept safe in my heart...He was 42 years old now...and the powerful feelings of a new mother, who was seeing her child for the first time washed over me like a wave....a wave of love. I was alone in the house, my good husband was not here...but I raised my head toward the sky and thanked him for sending this man my way.

Where do I go from here? I went back to the adoption registry site and wrote an E mail to him by using a mail address that he had on that site...I also sent another e mail from his six degrees of separation site...I told him my name...I told him I was from Rochester, New York...I told him that I believed we had a connection and would he like to talk either by the net, I sent my personal e mail address or by phone, which I also sent along...

I could do nothing now but wait...

Dear Patricia...

Facebook: ~noun: a popular social networking website. ~verb: to search for (a person's profile) on the facebook site.
I received word several weeks after my good husband passed that a journal that I kept while he was ill was going to be published as a book. After I submitted it to the publishing company, he would always say: "when they publish your book" as opposed to, "if they publish my book". (Like I said before he believed in me much more than I believed in myself.) The book: Permission Slips for Your Heart and Soul is a series of 52 permission slips that are positive and affirming things that everyone needs to do for them self. It was suggested that I use social media to promote my book...and so I started several different pages on facebook, I had a friend of my daughters' make me a website and I started shamelessly promoting! This was the first time I had really used facebook, and it was amazing to me how many people were on it.

Anyone who uses facebook knows that you receive "friend" requests daily from those you know and those you do not know. I connected with almost everyone in an effort to get my book out there! One day someone I knew suggested that I "friend" a fellow that I had been totally mad about when I was in the 8th grade. Now mind you that was SO many years ago, I thought to myself..."really...whatever for?" And I choose to ignore the suggestion. However, within the next few days I received 3 other suggestions that I "friend" this particular fellow. OK...maybe this was some kind of sign that I should not ignore...maybe for some reason I should "friend" him...whatever were we going to say to one another? The one thing I find about facebook is that it skims the surface of friendship...it is full of curiosities for moments only...very rarely do I see long term friendships happening. (Here on blogger, I have formed many long standing friendships with people from all over the world, people I would not have known if we had not connected here.) I gave in...I went to his page and requested to be "friends"...He accepted me and I began reading his posts, scrolling down one after another till I found a video of him singing, "The Long and Winding Road by the Beatles" that was dedicated to his daughter...his daughter that was placed for adoption that he had recently reunited with. I never knew his story...I was so taken by it, not that I didn't know others who went through this because I did, but because he was so full of joy and happiness, and perhaps I wanted some of that. I wrote him off line and asked if I might talk to him about his reuniting with his daughter.. He sent his phone number because he was MORE than happy to talk to anyone and everyone who would listen. I called him the next day because as he said, this story was far to long for typing, besides he didn't type very fast and it would take him way to long! (Unlike me, who could still type 110 words a minute...not all correctly anymore... thank goodness for spell check...thank goodness for Mrs. Petit's typing class.)

I am not sure how many people believe in fate...believe in miracles...believe in the fact that there are signs that we should pay attention to. But, I do! And this "friend" on facebook was something that was suppose to happen for me. It was suppose to lead me down a path that I would not have taken. It was someone that was suppose to open up locked doors for me. I listened intently as he told me his story...from the beginning when he wanted to marry his sweetheart at 17 years old, but was blocked by her parents approval...to how he searched for his daughter for so long and finally found her via a adoption registry site just a month or so before...he told me how he had to contact her though a friend of hers in order to get her to talk with him, she had been searching for a long time also,(but like all of us who search was hesitant to believe that this could finally really be happening)He explained how he contacted his daughters' mother (someone he had not seen in so many years) after he found out her married name and her reaction to the news. Only her mother could register with the New York Adoption Registry in order to get confirmation that they were indeed a match. (He could not do this as he was not listed on her personal adoption information, I believe that the adoption system did that to a lot of us back then. That a lot of Fathers were dismissed without any consideration. I also had no knowledge of this registry, I was under the impression that New York state wanted us to know NOTHING about our children. However, if both child and parent are registered than they can provide you with names and addresses for both parties.) It was an unbelievable story...it filled me with hope on May 8th of 2012. I felt safe talking with him and told him my similar story, minus the reuniting. Once again I had to admit that I did not remember the date of his birth...SURE YOU DO he said, its there locked inside of you. I felt as if I needed to defend myself, to let him know that I was not a bad mother for not remembering...and then as I told him the date that I always said it was...November 17th...I felt my heart explode and I started sobbing uncontrollably...He apologized for making me sad...he was sorry that I could not remember the date of his birth, but that he knew it was just locked away deep inside. I said...No, that is not it...I remember the date...I know the date...It was November 15, 1969...November 17th was the last day that I saw him. The day that I placed him in the arms of a stranger. I quickly asked him what site he went on where he found her (because there are hundreds of sites...some free but most want money from searchers...some are legit...some are fly by night). He gave me the name of the registry that was FREE on line. I told him if I found anything I would let him know. I thanked him with all my heart for sharing his story with me...for helping me to unlock a key piece to my "secret".

My heart was racing...I was scared...I was crying...but now, I was armed with what I felt was the right information...now I had what my heart felt was his actual birthday. I was never going to find him looking with the wrong birth date...this was such a HUGE new discovery...

I turned on the computer, nervously typed in the site that my new/old friend had told me and held my breath, this was a site I had never been on before: http://registry.adoption.com/

I was taking the first step down this new path...

Dear Patricia...

Fear keeps us locked in a place where we cannot escape...I am choosing to be brave so that I can be who I really am!

Dear Patricia...

The past scampers like an alley cat through the present, leaving the paw prints of memories scattered helter-skelter. ~Charles De Lint

Before I proceed, let me go back for a minute.

1989-1990
When my daughter and son became of age where they were now teenagers with raging hormones, I had to sit down with them once again and discuss the birds and the bees. Ah...what mother doesn't love that talk...where they roll their eyes and they think they know so much more than you do. But, I had a story about raging hormones...I had a story about the consequences of what happens when you act on those hormones without being cautious. I shared my story...so now they knew their Mother's deepest "secret". I assured them that they could come to me or their step father and we would make sure that they were "safe" when they felt they were in the frame of mind that they were going to have sexual relations. I wasn't sure if they would but I hoped that they knew that I would not judge them but rather I would help them from feeling the pain that I had been carrying with me for so long. Now they knew that they had a brother out there and now they knew that their mother was human, and now they knew exactly why every November I would be so sad.

2001
Then there was the strange call that I received from a local prominent judge. He asked if my maiden name was Patricia King...to which I answered Yes...He then assured me that I was not in any trouble, but that he had a very personal question to ask me that I may or may not be willing to answer. He asked if I had a child in November of 1969 (he gave me a date, but I do not recall it now) that was placed for adoption. My heart raced and got stuck in my throat...I was shaking...I told him that Yes, I did have a child then, but quite honestly I could not remember the date. That was fine he said, could he ask a couple more questions. What hospital? Private or Agency adoption? I must of answered his questions correctly because the next words he spoke were:...I have a young woman who I believe may be your daughter. My heart sank...I started to cry. I know this comes as a shock to you he said...No, I said between gulps....searching for air...I had a boy child. As I cried I told him that I was so sorry...that I wished I was the one that she was looking for...that my heart was with her on her search, and that I hoped that she would find the mother that she was looking for but that I was not her. My good husband held me in his arms for the next several hours as the tears poured forth. Where was my son? Was he looking for me too and running up against brick walls? Why couldn't this have been the phone call I longed for?

My good husband was a huge support to me. He was the biggest advocate to finding my son. He also searched web sites and would direct me to different organizations that he would find on the net. He was a computer geek, so was much better at it than I was. He believed in me much more than I believed in myself.

September, 2008
My good husband was diagnosed with a rare and incurable cancer. The next 3.5 years would be filled with a different kind of heart ache for me. Filled with several near death hospital stays, doctor visits, blood transfusions, and so much more. Emotions that ran from being angry with him for being sick to being a compassionate caregiver. On April 14, 2011, one day after our 26 wedding anniversary, my good husband lost his battle with cancer. I thought I was prepared...I thought I knew pain...this was something that I was not prepared for...this pain was unbearable. (I kept a running journal about our journey with living with cancer at : http://livingwithmyshadow.blogspot.com )

November 2011
Here we were once again...now I was feeling the loss of both my husband and the different feelings of loss for my son. There has only been one person who ever acknowledged my pain during this time. A good friend that had the same story, only 13 years ago she received her happy ending by reuniting with her son and his family. She called, as she usually did and I was extremely tearful...she told me that I had to continue my search, that my good husband would of wanted that, and it would certainly help me to heal my broken heart. But this year because of all the pain and loss I was dealing with, I told her that I did not believe in my life time that reuniting with him was going to happen. That I was going to have to be good with that...that I was going to have to be fine and get on with life...

So much was about to change...A new year...A new life!

Dear Patricia...

1969 Revisited

1969

it plays in my mind

like a silent film

frame

with all its black

and gray shadows.

it sneaks up on me...

every fall

and I am forced to relive

every minute of that year.

it is slow moving...

clicking...

out of focus...

cracked...

and then suddenly clear.

it reminds me of a decision

that was made...

a decision that affected many.

the right decision?

it still haunts me every fall...

(I wrote this in November of 2001 around the time of my son's birth day...a birth day that I could not celebrate with him...always spinning me into a depression...)

Dear Patricia...

I am here standing beside you...you are not alone anymore. I no longer wish to keep you locked deep inside me. Please believe me when I tell you that you are loved by me...that I am committed to transforming your fears to love...to opening our hearts and mind to love.

I am ready...I am willing and able to smother our fears with the light of love. Come walk with me, hand in hand...heart to heart to heal.

I know now that I did not fight for you...I did not stand up to all those who were not on our side. I am so sorry. I wish I had been stronger for you...more loving toward you. I wish that I could go back and change things...but that is impossible. I will tell you that you survive...that life changes and continues to constantly change. I will tell you that you have every right to be sad and angry but that only keeps you in the shadow of your life. That if you allow me to love you we can walk through this together now.

I can tell you that with age we are learning to travel down our own path...our true path...but it has taken over 40 years to do so...could we have done that at 17/18 years old? My mind tells me we were not strong enough or wise enough or good enough...BUT as I sit here with you silently my heart tells me differently...but it also whispers that "for everything there is a season" and our season is NOW.

The walls that have been built to protect our broken heart are coming down...if we do not work together...we cannot allow the complete flow of love in and we will continue to poison our inner space. Forgiveness is a fundamental part of living a happy life...and I know now that resentment contaminates the soul...it will distance us from others but more importantly...from our self. We have the opportunity to offer our self grace...and with that we are offering our self emotional freedom that will help us stop the downward spiral of negativity that all the resentment brings.

Our blessing finally comes our way...and YES you do meet him again. And YES there is a bond between you and him that is strong and sure and full of love. And this blessing will help to allow us to heal and forgive our self.

We CAN choose forgiveness...we CAN choose love...we CAN choose happiness...we CAN choose grace...If we choose to let go of the resentment...we allow miracles to happen.

Trust me NOW when I tell you that your life will change. Trust me NOW when I tell you that you love and you are loved...Trust me when I tell you that miracles do happen...Trust me when I tell you that if you release the pain and the resentment of the past that you can build a family....one day...one memory at a time.

I am standing here beside you....you are not alone...let us merge together NOW and begin our life again as one.

You are loved.

(that is my graduation picture and what I looked like in 1969)

Dear Patricia...

I am not a religious person ...but I am a spiritual one. I found this poem written by a birth mother and it struck a cord within. It has been found that a Mother carries the DNA of every child she has carried...a bond has been formed at the moment of conception...and nothing...not time or space will ever change that...

"The link between a mother and child is profound, and new research suggests a physical connection even deeper than anyone thought. The profound psychological and physical bonds shared by the mother and her child begin during gestation when the mother is everything for the developing fetus, supplying warmth and sustenance, while her heartbeat provides a soothing constant rhythm.
The physical connection between mother and fetus is provided by the placenta, an organ, built of cells from both the mother and fetus, which serves as a conduit for the exchange of nutrients, gasses, and wastes. Cells may migrate through the placenta between the mother and the fetus, taking up residence in many organs of the body including the lung, thyroid, muscle, liver, heart, kidney and skin. These may have a broad range of impacts, from tissue repair and cancer prevention to sparking immune disorders.
It is remarkable that it is so common for cells from one individual to integrate into the tissues of another distinct person. We are accustomed to thinking of ourselves as singular autonomous individuals, and these foreign cells seem to belie that notion, and suggest that most people carry remnants of other individuals. As remarkable as this may be, stunning results from a new study show that cells from other individuals are also found in the brain. In this study, male cells were found in the brains of women and had been living there, in some cases, for several decades. What impact they may have had is now only a guess, but this study revealed that these cells were less common in the brains of women who had Alzheimer’s disease, suggesting they may be related to the health of the brain.
We all consider our bodies to be our own unique being, so the notion that we may harbor cells from other people in our bodies seems strange. Even stranger is the thought that, although we certainly consider our actions and decisions as originating in the activity of our own individual brains, cells from other individuals are living and functioning in that complex structure. However, the mixing of cells from genetically distinct individuals is not at all uncommon."

Dear Patricia...

When my son was born they brought me a birth certificate so I could name him...I had no intention of letting him leave a hospital with the birth certificate of BOY KING...I named him Robert Allen...
After a favorite Uncle and his father...I knew that the adoptive parents probably would not keep this name but a girl could hope that they would...(they did not)

Dear Patricia...

You will never forget the last time you saw your son. He was beautiful and perfect. Ten fingers...ten toes...rosy cheeks and a rose bud mouth all swaddled in blue. That tiny face will be forever etched in your mind.

You will always love him...he will always be with you as you hold his heart in your heart.

Let me wrap you in my arms...let me give you a strong shoulder to cry on...and an open heart to lean into...a gentle caress to let you know you are not alone...let me comfort you and give you strength. Let me help you to survive. Let me guide you to find peace as you deal with the pain.

I am here...I am always here...all you have to do is reach out for me.

Know that you are loved.

Dear Patricia...

The ride home from the hospital was so quiet...you could hear a pin drop. I cried all the way home, and went into my room as soon as we got there. A room where I would stay and cry for days on end. What do I do now? Forget? Those people did not know what they were talking about...how do you forget? And now I was perfectly aware that the girls who had been whispered about...the girls that came back and looked the same as they did before...THEY WERE NOT THE SAME! Everything had changed...For they were Mothers now...they had left their childhood behind them. Now I was one of them too. Nothing was the same. I was a Mother...BUT I did not have a baby to mother. Where do you put those natural motherly instincts once they have been awakened and you have no baby to mother? Nothing tragic had happened to the baby...no still birth...no death...how do you mourn your loss?

Just what was I supposed to do now?

All I knew how to do was cry...and shove those feelings deep...deeper...deeper still until I could lock them away in a box in my heart...

Postscript: (I will readily admit that I locked things so deep that I could not remember the true date of my son's birth...For years it was just the month of November that threw me out of whack...around the 17th in particular...(it wasn't until 43 years later when the box lid came flying off that I knew it was the 15th...the 17th was the day I literally placed him in the arms of someone else...it was the hospitals policy that a placement of a child for a private adoption could not take place within the walls of the hospital. So they placed my son in my arms for the last time that day and rolled my wheelchair out of the hospital and on the side walk in front of the hospital I placed him in the arms of the lawyers secretary. And then came the ride home)

Dear Patricia...

This is what adoption feels like to me...

They do not acknowledge adoption loss...grieving is done in silence...

Dear Patricia...

The moment a child is born, the mother is born also. She never existed before that very moment. There was a female...a girl...a woman before that moment. NOW she is a MOTHER....something absolutely new.

They lied when they told you that you would "forget". They lied when they told you that it would get easier with time. They lied when they told you that this was the best possible thing to do and that your child would be better off without you. They lied when they told you that you really did not have a choice. They lied...they brainwashed you into believing that there was nothing else you could do...

You will never forget...it did not get better or easier with time, you continued to follow destructive patterns, because you never felt "good enough". You will never know if you did the best possible thing because you were not allowed that...you will never know if your child was better off without you as you cannot go back and redo it...

You never really saw it...maybe you never really wanted to see it. You were naïve, and you were made to believe all of it was for the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. That you were protecting him from the worse life...one living with you where you had no money...only a high school education...you couldn't even take care of your self, so how could you take care of a child?...you would be a "single mother" and every child needs 2 parents...so adoption is the ONLY ANSWER.

So even though it was the hardest thing you ever did, you did it because you loved your child...you felt you were doing what was BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. Adoption would keep your child from hardship...why would you make your child suffer by being selfish and wanting to keep him? You believed everything because you had so much self-doubt...You believed that you could not possibly be a good mother...so you followed the path that was chosen...you made the sacrifice...because you were told and made to believe that your child would be happier...healthier...and more loved with someone other than you.

YES...you helped make that decision....YES...it was a choice. But it was without TRUTH...and not a choice you would make again.

You can start NOW to heal that broken piece of yourself. You can start NOW to heal your heart.

You are LOVED!

Dear Patricia...

I know that you are experiencing a great deal of pain, fear, sorrow and anguish right now. But, I promise you at this moment you are not alone. I will keep you safe, healthy and connected. I am here for YOU. I will not let you fall...I know that you feel helpless and so confused. I know that you are hurt that he would leave you just when you believe you need him the most.

Believe in yourself...you are much stronger than they are making you believe...you are much smarter than you believe...you are capable of doing anything as long as you BELIEVE! You can fight...you can kick and scream. You can if you believe in your self.

Borrow all the peace and wisdom that you have inside...it is there...let it shine through. Release and resolve all your sorrow, fear, illness and negativity...

I am here...

Feel my comfort...

Feel my LOVE!

Dear Patricia...

I am shifting...slowly...I am sorting out facts and myths from this time in 1969...I am talking to my 17/18 year old self with a gentleness of spirit...

Dear Patricia...

I look like a happy little graduate in my cap and gown...and few people knew that underneath a child was growing...my life was changing...and I was scared and confused...

These are the words that I heard over and over in my head...

Dear Patricia...

This is how I want to feel...
(words by Terri St. Cloud... www.BoneSighArts.com )

Dear Patricia...

Over the years you have silenced your self. There have been times when you could not even figure out where all the anger was coming from...other times you knew but could not find a way to deal or heal your self.

Most of the time you believed the lies....you felt unloved...he broke your heart...he betrayed you...others did the same...you did not feel good enough...you built large walls around yourself...you felt out of control...you yelled...you screamed...you went a little crazy...you felt tired and defeated...you felt you had no right to be truly happy....you complained...you hid...you were disloyal...you cried...you lied...you were so afraid...nothing mattered...you wondered if you ever really exposed yourself if anyone would really like you...you repeated patterns that were destructive...you stomped your feet and pulled your hair...you felt like a victim...you felt abandoned...you felt lost...you drank too much...you could not see the good...you felt unworthy...unattractive...dirty...bad...not smart enough...your heart ached all the time...you fell into deep depression...you were lonely...you were lost...you started things but never finished things...nothing was ever quite right...

I know...I truly do know that all these things were because you were grieving...you were missing your baby...you longed for him...your heart ached for him...

All these things were bricks that you used to put up a wall so that you stayed trapped in all the guilt...

I am here to tell you the truth...

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! (You always have been) You are strong and worthy...

YOU ARE LOVED!

Dear Patricia...

Beginning...

"...eventually all obstacles must be faced...dealt with and conquered..."

This is my story...

My name is Patricia...I entrusted my first born child, my son, to the adoption system in 1969. Within these pages is a way for me to heal the open wound that came from the adoption. This is a visual journal with art and words...and letters that I have written to my younger self from my older self.

I started this journal in 2013 after being reunited with my son...I continue it in a series of Myths vs Facts after that union abruptly stopped.

I am healing...I am leaving behind old patterns...I am releasing...

I am finding my silver linings...

I AM LOVED!