Dear Patricia...
The ride home from the hospital was so quiet...you could hear a pin drop. I cried all the way home, and went into my room as soon as we got there. A room where I would stay and cry for days on end. What do I do now? Forget? Those people did not know what they were talking about...how do you forget? And now I was perfectly aware that the girls who had been whispered about...the girls that came back and looked the same as they did before...THEY WERE NOT THE SAME! Everything had changed...For they were Mothers now...they had left their childhood behind them. Now I was one of them too. Nothing was the same. I was a Mother...BUT I did not have a baby to mother. Where do you put those natural motherly instincts once they have been awakened and you have no baby to mother? Nothing tragic had happened to the baby...no still birth...no death...how do you mourn your loss?
Just what was I supposed to do now?
All I knew how to do was cry...and shove those feelings deep...deeper...deeper still until I could lock them away in a box in my heart...
Postscript: (I will readily admit that I locked things so deep that I could not remember the true date of my son's birth...For years it was just the month of November that threw me out of whack...around the 17th in particular...(it wasn't until 43 years later when the box lid came flying off that I knew it was the 15th...the 17th was the day I literally placed him in the arms of someone else...it was the hospitals policy that a placement of a child for a private adoption could not take place within the walls of the hospital. So they placed my son in my arms for the last time that day and rolled my wheelchair out of the hospital and on the side walk in front of the hospital I placed him in the arms of the lawyers secretary. And then came the ride home)
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