Dear Patricia...

 

 



God sends children to enlarge our hearts, and make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affections. ~  Mary Howitt

 ...One thing I am aware of is being a parent of an adult that was entrusted to adoption. You rarely think of it that way...usually one says "a child or a baby" entrusted to adoption. Yes...the truth is that he was entrusted to adoption as a baby...but now upon reuniting with him he is an adult. This is a totally different relationship...

As a parent we are asked to arise to some of the most difficult challenges. A really large one is that of attachment and un-attaching. As a successful parent we love our children...and that love attaches us to them. It is also that love that requires us to let them go...let them leave the nest and fly at the right time on their own path. This requires us to un-attach from them.

What a fine line that is. Attachment and un-attachment. As parents we love our children with every fiber of our being. We often love them more than anyone or anything else in our lives. This often causes us to either blur or over step that fine line...especially as their independence grows. Yet we know in our hearts that loving them requires that we do let them go.

Our children must learn to follow their own paths. We can provide them with our love, guidance and nurturing as they grow in order for them to make their own decisions. Those decisions lead them in all sorts of directions...some we fear...some we don't understand and some we beam with great pride from. But it is always during these times that we must stand on the sidelines, we might have to fearfully watch as they slip and fall, we might have to throw them a towel so they can dry them self off, or we might be cheering them on. As parents we can only hope that we have provided the right foundation, the right tools for them to succeed as they make their decisions. All this takes place gradually over the years. It happens between the times of holding their hands to guide them around real and imagined obstacles to honoring them as fully grown adults who no longer require our guidance. It might well be that independence is the greatest gift a parent can offer their children.

How do you cross that line from attachment to un-attachment when you meet your child for the first time as an adult? It is a reverse life that we must lead. In a sense, the letting go was supposedly done, at least physically, years before (although our hearts knew that was never true) however, we were not the one who held their hand to guide them...we were not the one that stood on the sideline to cheer them on or throw them a towel...when we re-entered each others lives we were at the point where we are peers.

Still there is more to being a parent to a newly found adult child...there is more than meets the eye. That un-attachment is an impossible thing to do, for what we are doing is forming an attachment. We are finding our way through our own real and imaginary obstacles. We are finding our way back to one another. There is no letting go.

Parenting asks us to arise to some of the most difficult challenges.
 

I am a mother and a friend to my son. I am allowing our new life to unfold without the history of parenthood. I am taking small steps in discovering who we are...one stoke at a time I swim in these uncharted waters. I am a mother and a friend exploring new ground...finding sure footing with each new step...with each time we are together...with each phone call and letter.
 

I am remembering that we are each souls in this new world making our way the best we can...reconnecting...reattaching to one another. I hope that we can walk this new life together as...child...mother...friend with confidence and peace in our hearts.