Dear Patricia...

The past scampers like an alley cat through the present, leaving the paw prints of memories scattered helter-skelter.  ~Charles De Lint


Before I proceed, let me go back for a minute.

1989-1990
When my daughter and son became of age where they were now teenagers with raging hormones, I had to sit down with them once again and discuss the birds and the bees. Ah...what mother doesn't love that talk...where they roll their eyes and they think they know so much more than you do. But, I had a story about raging hormones...I had a story about the consequences of what happens when you act on those hormones without being cautious. I shared my story...so now they knew their Mother's deepest "secret". I assured them that they could come to me or their step father and we would make sure that they were "safe" when they felt they were in the frame of mind that they were going to have sexual relations. I wasn't sure if they would but I hoped that they knew that I would not judge them but rather I would help them from feeling the pain that I had been carrying with me for so long. Now they knew that they had a brother out there and now they knew that their mother was human, and now they knew exactly why every November I would be so sad.

2001
Then there was the strange call that I received from a local prominent judge. He asked if my maiden name was Patricia King...to which I answered Yes...He then assured me that I was not in any trouble, but that he had a very personal question to ask me that I may or may not be willing to answer. He asked if I had a child in November of 1969 (he gave me a date, but I do not recall it now) that was placed for adoption. My heart raced and got stuck in my throat...I was shaking...I told him that Yes, I did have a child then, but quite honestly I could not remember the date. That was fine he said, could he ask a couple more questions. What hospital? Private or Agency adoption? I must of answered his questions correctly because the next words he spoke were:...I have a young woman who I believe may be your daughter. My heart sank...I started to cry. I know this comes as a shock to you he said...No, I said between gulps....searching for air...I had a boy child. As I cried I told him that I was so sorry...that I wished I was the one that she was looking for...that my heart was with her on her search, and that I hoped that she would find the mother that she was looking for but that I was not her. My good husband held me in his arms for the next several hours as the tears poured forth. Where was my son? Was he looking for me too and running up against brick walls? Why couldn't this have been the phone call I longed for?

My good husband was a huge support to me. He was the biggest advocate to finding my son. He also searched web sites and would direct me to different organizations that he would find on the net. He was a computer geek, so was much better at it than I was. He believed in me much more than I believed in myself.

September, 2008
My good husband was diagnosed with a rare and incurable cancer. The next 3.5 years would be filled with a different kind of heart ache for me. Filled with several near death hospital stays, doctor visits, blood transfusions, and so much more. Emotions that ran from being angry with him for being sick to being a compassionate caregiver. On April 14, 2011, one day after our 26 wedding anniversary, my good husband lost his battle with cancer. I thought I was prepared...I thought I knew pain...this was something that I was not prepared for...this pain was unbearable. (I kept a running journal about our journey with living with cancer at :  http://livingwithmyshadow.blogspot.com )

November 2011
Here we were once again...now I was feeling the loss of both my husband and the different feelings of loss for my son. There has only been one person who ever acknowledged my pain during this time. A good friend that had the same story, only 13 years ago she received her happy ending by reuniting with her son and his family. She called, as she usually did and I was extremely tearful...she told me that I had to continue my search, that my good husband would of wanted that, and it would certainly help me to heal my broken heart. But this year because of all the pain and loss I was dealing with, I told her that I did not believe in my life time that reuniting with him was going to happen. That I was going to have to be good with that...that I was going to have to be fine and get on with life...

So much was about to change...A new year...A new life!