How do you search for a person when you have little to no information?
My son started on the internet 11 years before meeting...he created a web site which included a letter he had written to his birth parents...he included pictures of himself and his family...but he was armed with little to no information...he had his birth city...how old I was at the time of his birth...his birth date...and that it was a private adoption...
The information I had was the wrong birth date for so many years...what city he was born in...and his last name...HIS LAST NAME? Yes...when signing the final adoption decree my shaking hand moved a piece of paper that the judge had covering the top of the paper...and I saw it...the adoptive parents names...but again for years my memory played tricks on me and I was spelling their last name wrong, although I had the first names right. I was also told that they were professional people...Doctors to be exact and I knew they must live in the NYC area because that was where I was flown a year after his birth to sign the final adoption papers (which is a whole nightmare story in itself)...so really I had about as much information as he did...
A needle in a haystack!
My son did however know about the New York State department of health registry and he registered with them. You filled out a request saying if/when your child or parent registered that they could give out your name and address to them. BUT the catch was that you both had to be registered in order to get that information. They would give you non-disclosure information but it ended up being no more than he already knew. I on the other hand knew NOTHING about this...and my search kept going to DR. and MRS. of NY....And I was never going to find anything because they were not Doctors and I was spelling the last name wrong...He also registered on the adoption site...which there are literally hundreds of...
"There is no instinct like that of the heart." ~ Lord Byron.
There were long comfortable phone conversations where we were learning about each other...emails that revealed how we were feeling...the excitement of it all...but how it also felt so natural...so right. As if we had known each other all of our lives...but then of course we had in our hearts...we had a connection that comes from carrying a child for 9 months...a bonding that could not be broken over time...Mother and Son reunited.
We each told the story about this reuniting...I told everyone...blog posts were written...facebook was notified...I told friends...I told strangers in the bank! I was beaming like a new mother...I made no excuses for myself, but rather strutted around like a proud peacock...this was my son, this was my first born child...this was love. He told the people that he worked with...he told his students...he told his friends...but he had not told his parents.
I thought about that...and tried to put myself into their shoes. How would I feel if I was them? My immediate thought was that I would want to protect him...it would not matter to me that he was a grown man...I would want to know that this woman was who she said she was...I would want to know that she was not some sort of loon who was going to prey on his emotions...I would want to know that she didn't feel as if she could walk in and replace me, after all she had given up her parental rights...All these thoughts and more were running around in my head.
I decided that I would register with the New York State Department of Health giving them permission to disclose our personal information to each other. I printed out the paperwork, I had it notarized and sent it out...within a weeks time I had a letter from them that stated that they had a match for me and I needed now to fill out and sign more paperwork (got to love the red tape!) and have those notarized and sent back. After another week or so an official letter from New York State arrived.
I opened it slowly...carefully...with just a hint of fear.
Mrs. Mosca:
The New York State Department of Health Adoption and Medical Information Registry has received all the notarize consents necessary to release identifying information (current names and addresses) regarding your registration. Therefore, I am pleased to provide you with the following information:
Adoptee: here was my son's name and address.
Biological Mother: here I was listed.
Biological Father: REGISTRATION NOT REQUIRED
The New York State Department of Health Adoption and Medical Information Registry appreciates the opportunity of serving you. Best wishes for a successful reunion. If you have any questions please contact the adoption registry.
Sincerely,
The Health Program Administrator.
I called my son, and asked him if he received his paperwork...He said yes..."congratulations you are my Mom"...My reply was "It's a Boy"! We made light of something that our hearts already knew...but I have to admit, holding that piece of paper...that paper that I did not believe I needed...made everything perfectly real.
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