My anxiety level was high...my depression was putting me into a space where nothing seemed to make me happy...I decorated the house for the holiday...went about doing the things that needed to be done...but my thoughts always were with my son and it caused a great deal of stress with my other family members...
What was I suppose to do...I did not know how to relate to him or his family. That is the one thing about adoption...and reunion. You feel an automatic connection to people you really do not even know. It is a heart connection...a connection that once you find you can't let go of. And yet you have no guide helping you to travel these new waters.
With children that you raise you know how to make things "right" ...you know when to stand back and when to move forward...you know what words to say to comfort and what subjects to avoid...you have a history of connection. You have a history of unconditional love...a history of knowledge. With reunion from adoption you do not have any of those things. You can believe that you do...but what I was finding out was that you do not. You can believe that once that reunion happens that everything will be okay now...but what I was finding was that it is not...You can believe that LOVE is the only thing that matters and yet what I was finding was it is only the tip of the iceberg.
MERRY CHRISTMAS...
I love seeing letters in my mailbox...handwritten letters from my son to me...usually addressed to:
MY MOM...and there on December 22nd was a letter...I was so happy and then SO SAD after I opened it up.
There were 2 letters inside...one from my son (which said READ ME FIRST) and another one from his wife...
I had to read them both several times before the messages really sunk in...
Dear Patricia...
Because I knew now that my son was in a really bad emotional state I waited to be contacted by him. I never felt all that comfortable calling his house since the beginning...for some reason I felt that I was intruding...that feeling was worse now so I would send out an e mail just to let him know I was thinking of him.
I asked him if he still wanted me to continue sending my daily journal page...I usually did a small mandala and thoughts every morning...and his answer was yes. He had also written a letter which asked me to contact him if something was going on with my family here (health problems with my mother) I usually texted his wife about those things, because I felt that she could let him know easier and I did not want to bother him during the day while he was at work.. and I did that. I continued to send cards to him and his family...I tried to maintain the same sort of communication even though I knew that things were no where near the same.
His birthday came and I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday...his wife was distant on the phone when I asked to speak to him...I had written her a letter about my emotional response to not coming for his birthday to explain my feelings...and saying that it had nothing really to do with not coming but rather it was a flood of old emotions...
Thanksgiving came...we each missed each others phone calls and so phone messages were left back and forth...
I had started working on my "Dear Patricia" journal and I had asked if he might be willing to talk to me about adoption...(it was not something we talked about ...he had said he had a good life and he had thanked me for giving him life...although he always wondered if adoption did not have a role in his depression but he ruled that out somewhere along the line)...
He was open to answering questions about adoption (OF COURSE DEAR MOTHER) was his answer...I explained that I was thinking about a book and would like his input along with his wife's input on how reunion affected their life.
Everything was moving along at a much slower pace now...everything seemed to be changing...e mails were exchanged here and there...I assured him that even if I sent out an e mail it did not mean that he had to send one back...that they were meant to let him know he was being thought about.
I started Christmas shopping after Thanksgiving...I made gifts for the family...even though the thought had been put out there that the airline ticket from his birthday would hopefully be used for early December the date had been changed on the ticket for May of the following year...(graduation from grammar school and confirmation for my grandson).
Each passing day was filled with thoughts of how to make things better for my son...how to ease his depression...
and each passing day brought about a depression of my own...(a different depression than I had ever known before)
I asked him if he still wanted me to continue sending my daily journal page...I usually did a small mandala and thoughts every morning...and his answer was yes. He had also written a letter which asked me to contact him if something was going on with my family here (health problems with my mother) I usually texted his wife about those things, because I felt that she could let him know easier and I did not want to bother him during the day while he was at work.. and I did that. I continued to send cards to him and his family...I tried to maintain the same sort of communication even though I knew that things were no where near the same.
His birthday came and I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday...his wife was distant on the phone when I asked to speak to him...I had written her a letter about my emotional response to not coming for his birthday to explain my feelings...and saying that it had nothing really to do with not coming but rather it was a flood of old emotions...
Thanksgiving came...we each missed each others phone calls and so phone messages were left back and forth...
I had started working on my "Dear Patricia" journal and I had asked if he might be willing to talk to me about adoption...(it was not something we talked about ...he had said he had a good life and he had thanked me for giving him life...although he always wondered if adoption did not have a role in his depression but he ruled that out somewhere along the line)...
He was open to answering questions about adoption (OF COURSE DEAR MOTHER) was his answer...I explained that I was thinking about a book and would like his input along with his wife's input on how reunion affected their life.
Everything was moving along at a much slower pace now...everything seemed to be changing...e mails were exchanged here and there...I assured him that even if I sent out an e mail it did not mean that he had to send one back...that they were meant to let him know he was being thought about.
I started Christmas shopping after Thanksgiving...I made gifts for the family...even though the thought had been put out there that the airline ticket from his birthday would hopefully be used for early December the date had been changed on the ticket for May of the following year...(graduation from grammar school and confirmation for my grandson).
Each passing day was filled with thoughts of how to make things better for my son...how to ease his depression...
and each passing day brought about a depression of my own...(a different depression than I had ever known before)
Dear Patricia...
2014 has been a difficult year...this fall has proven to continue that difficulty.
After the visit in August from my son and his family although I knew that things were stressed because of my son's depression I still had hopes when a surprise e mail came my way...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
For my September birthday I received this e mail with an attached plane ticket to come and visit with him and the family for his birthday. (since reuniting I had not missed one). I was happy and excited for the 3 day weekend gift of celebration in November.
But alas...it was not to be. When I called a week before I talked to his wife about purchasing a birthday cake for him and she told me "IF you are here for his birthday we will be making an ice cream cake"...I heard those words but only said...GREAT...That will be fun!
Several days later after having those words eat at me I decided that I would give my son a reprieve by offering to NOT come...and he took me up on it. Even though I knew that the possibility of that being the answer I still cried...it was almost like a wash of sadness came over me quickly...I could not talk with him on the phone I hurt so badly...
After our phone conversation a series of e mails were exchanged...
All the work I thought I had been doing to heal suddenly seemed like a drop of nothingness...I tried to explain my reaction to both my son and his wife...I tried to make them understand that I was my own worst enemy when it came to the adoption...I tried to not to go to that dark place...
I sent out his gift...and I cried...deep down sobs...trying to release the hurt...not the hurt from not being there...but the hurt that adoption had caused my heart....This would be my sons 45th birthday...and not celebrating it with him caused me to spin totally out of control...My Doctor called it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...It caused me to go into a spiral of depression back to 1969...it was deep ... it was dark...the wound appeared to be wide open and I did not know what to do...except to cry and see my Doctor weekly in order to try to make sense of why this was happening now 2 1/2 years later.
After the visit in August from my son and his family although I knew that things were stressed because of my son's depression I still had hopes when a surprise e mail came my way...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
For my September birthday I received this e mail with an attached plane ticket to come and visit with him and the family for his birthday. (since reuniting I had not missed one). I was happy and excited for the 3 day weekend gift of celebration in November.
But alas...it was not to be. When I called a week before I talked to his wife about purchasing a birthday cake for him and she told me "IF you are here for his birthday we will be making an ice cream cake"...I heard those words but only said...GREAT...That will be fun!
Several days later after having those words eat at me I decided that I would give my son a reprieve by offering to NOT come...and he took me up on it. Even though I knew that the possibility of that being the answer I still cried...it was almost like a wash of sadness came over me quickly...I could not talk with him on the phone I hurt so badly...
After our phone conversation a series of e mails were exchanged...
Mom
I’m sorry to be a source of sadness for you.
I have been feeling rather disconnected lately. I go to work, I do my job but I do it rather mechanically. A bit mechanistically. A good machine, very professional, but lacking emotion. It’s the same at home. I’m not sure why. It started during the summer though. I felt like I was changing chemically. I as getting impatient and I “hated this world”. Lately I’ve been feeling like I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t alive. I’m just existing.
I ‘know’ that I want to live a more full life. I want to be emotionally connected to people. When I saw the movie Guardians of the Galaxy I felt touched. I felt the possibility of connectedness. But right now I feel alone, like that poem by Edgar Allen Poe… and all I’d loved I’d loved alone.
I do think its chemical. But l don’t want to do anything about it. I know that’s part of being depressed but I just don’t have the drive to do it, to change. I don’t even want to borrow the will to do it for someone else. I feel like Doctor Falken in the movie War Games. He gave up on humanity after his son Joshua died. The kids went to him for help but he just said it was too late. He was done.
But he did think about it. He did rally behind them. They inspired him. Groot inspired me, so did rocket. Rocket is a fighter. I feel like I’m not a fighter anymore. Too much peace. You know, like its all OK. Live … die … whatever. No anger. But also no drama. I miss the drama. I miss the comeback, the fight the struggle. I wonder if I don’t give my children enough to rail against. Doesn’t strength come from resistance? Don’t astronauts grow weak in space?
But stick with me. I went to a counselor yesterday. He asked if I had a goal for our meetings, a desired outcome. It never occurred to me. I thought I was going because my wife made the appointment. I think I did it for me.
I used to think I had a purpose. I don’t feel like I have one now. Somewhere along the way I lost my way.
I’m on my way.
Love always,
Your son
Dear Son...
I love you …and I SO understand…
and Thank You for sharing with me.
And as for you being a source of sadness for me…
You must realize that at times I am my own source of sadness (not
unlike you)
You can write to me about your feelings anytime…
I can only offer what has worked for me…use what you will and
discard the rest…Please think about this:
I think we can help each other…
You are SO LOVED!
All the work I thought I had been doing to heal suddenly seemed like a drop of nothingness...I tried to explain my reaction to both my son and his wife...I tried to make them understand that I was my own worst enemy when it came to the adoption...I tried to not to go to that dark place...
I sent out his gift...and I cried...deep down sobs...trying to release the hurt...not the hurt from not being there...but the hurt that adoption had caused my heart....This would be my sons 45th birthday...and not celebrating it with him caused me to spin totally out of control...My Doctor called it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...It caused me to go into a spiral of depression back to 1969...it was deep ... it was dark...the wound appeared to be wide open and I did not know what to do...except to cry and see my Doctor weekly in order to try to make sense of why this was happening now 2 1/2 years later.
Dear Patricia...
When was the last time you really listened to your intuition? When you knew in your whole being that things were starting to change and you knew that there was no way you could stop it? When you asked questions of people and you knew in your heart that they were only telling you what they thought you wanted to hear because the fear of the truth would hurt to much...this is where I was that fall of 2015 and everything was about to change once again...
Dear Patricia...
"maybe it's time to take care of yourself. maybe it's time to scream out loud that you don't have the answers and you just plain can't figure it out...but you're in this for the full ride. maybe it's time to stop doing the half ride. maybe it's time to step into it all...to weep your guts out. to hurt all the way to your core. to allow that hurt to be there. maybe it's time to embrace the love and believe in it even though it is not always perfect...but it is always right. maybe it's time to shout out to your depths that you do matter and you will do all in your power to live healthy...maybe it's time to stop just getting thru, just surviving. maybe it's time to grab the gift you've been given and celebrate every single piece of it...including the pain that brought you here. maybe it's time.
forget the maybe...and know it...IT IS TIME."... (BRAVE GIRL)
Dear Patricia...
"maybe it's time to take care of yourself. maybe it's time to scream out loud that you don't have the answers and you just plain can't figure it out...but you're in this for the full ride. maybe it's time to stop doing the half ride. maybe it's time to step into it all...to weep your guts out. to hurt all the way to your core. to allow that hurt to be there. maybe it's time to embrace the love and believe in it even though it is not always perfect...but it is always right. maybe it's time to shout out to your depths that you do matter and you will do all in your power to live healthy...maybe it's time to stop just getting thru, just surviving. maybe it's time to grab the gift you've been given and celebrate every single piece of it...including the pain that brought you here. maybe it's time.
forget the maybe...and know it...IT IS TIME."... (BRAVE GIRL)
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Here is my list of the 5 things that I am grateful for about adoption...
1. I am grateful that my son was a healthy baby, and that I did have 3 days with him before he was placed in the arms of his parents.
2. I am grateful for his parents...or being there for him....for being there for me...for opening up their hearts to him.
3. I am grateful for the way that he was raised....I love the person that he is...I have said before some of that is genetic, but I believe that some comes from your environment too.
4. I am grateful for the opportunity that he had to go to camp, to join scouts, grow up in a home with a brother and sister along with Mom and Dad and be connected to an extended family.
5. I am grateful for being reunited with him...for having a bond of love...for being a part of his life and his family life...I am grateful for the life that we have now.
I am releasing the anger...and I focus with new eyes on the gratitude...
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Celebrate Motherhood...
Celebrate what you have with your son...
Celebrate that he is willing to give without resentment and anger...
Celebrate the life stories he shares with you...
Celebrate all the wonderful moments you are creating together...
Celebrate love...
Celebrate YOU...
Celebrate YOUR SON...
Dear Patricia...
...So much has been going on since the beginning of the year that my head was not into writing or sharing...My Mother (who is 88) was in and out of the hospital beginning in Feb. and went until April...I dealt with surgery to remove a tumor on my neck that did not go as well as expected and I have been dealing with some difficult side effects from it...
AHHHHHH...LIFE! Life has been going on!
I have not been able to see my son and his family for 8 months...it seemed as if it was a life time for me. For the past 2 years I have been seeing them about every 6 to 8 weeks...which probably to some may feel excessive...but I am connecting...I am learning...I am loving...and yes, in some ways I am trying to make up for lost time...(even though I know that can not possibly be done)
They came here for a visit...all 5 of them...my son, his wife, my uniquely wonderful teenage grand daughter...my captivating grandson...and my adorable littlest grand daughter...oh and the fabulous dog too) To have them all here did my heart so much good...to be able to interact with them and have them close was a little slice of heaven...I miss them so much...
Distance is a strange thing...there are so many things that keep everyone connected these days...there is this machine...telephones...Skype...cell phones...Facebook...blogs...but nothing...NOTHING can compare to being able to reach out and hug the people you love...
And although the time they spent here was short...and things felt "different" and a bit stressed...
it made my heart smile...
AHHHHHH...LIFE! Life has been going on!
I have not been able to see my son and his family for 8 months...it seemed as if it was a life time for me. For the past 2 years I have been seeing them about every 6 to 8 weeks...which probably to some may feel excessive...but I am connecting...I am learning...I am loving...and yes, in some ways I am trying to make up for lost time...(even though I know that can not possibly be done)
They came here for a visit...all 5 of them...my son, his wife, my uniquely wonderful teenage grand daughter...my captivating grandson...and my adorable littlest grand daughter...oh and the fabulous dog too) To have them all here did my heart so much good...to be able to interact with them and have them close was a little slice of heaven...I miss them so much...
Distance is a strange thing...there are so many things that keep everyone connected these days...there is this machine...telephones...Skype...cell phones...Facebook...blogs...but nothing...NOTHING can compare to being able to reach out and hug the people you love...
And although the time they spent here was short...and things felt "different" and a bit stressed...
it made my heart smile...
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Do understand that you get to choose NOW...understand that the shame and judgment that was put upon you during the birth of your son does NOT have to control you in anyway anymore...
You are not the same girl that you were in 1969...this is not the same world...
You can feel badly that you do not see him as much as you would like...OR...you can be happy to know that when you choose to reach out he is there...he responds and everything is good.
You could get upset about the past...OR...you can be happy for the relationship you are building.
Focus on NOW instead of THEN...
Dear Patricia...
A celebration of the heart...
The month of May is very special to me (and my heart) for all sorts of reasons...
1. My daughter was born on the 15th
2. My sister was born on the 19th
3. My late husband was born on the 26th
4. Other family members were also born this month.
MAY 10th is the anniversary date of the first time I talked to my son (and family)...and then of course there is Mother's Day. Quite a double celebration!
Two days in row that tug at my heart. Two days in a row that forever changed my life.
My son was my first born...and for 42 years Mother's Day was not acknowledged by anyone for me in regards to him. It was a hole in my heart...a piece missing . When my daughter was born in 1973 I was finally allowed to celebrate Mother's Day...but that hole and the piece were still missing. Don't get me wrong...I still celebrated...I still loved being a Mother...I gave my all to that position I held in life...but there was always that part of me that was never acknowledged...there was always the child that was not a part of my life...
I wondered this year as I sent out an anniversary card to my son and family...if there will come a day when I will no longer need to honor the day that we first talked...if we would get to a place where we would acknowledge the "normal" days that most families celebrate...and my mind could not wrap around that thought...it is a milestone for us as Mother and Son...
There are stories that all Mothers can tell about their children...what they were like as babies...the first time they said MAMA...how they did in school...what they loved to do as they grew up...and Gerard and I do not have those...but what we do have is MAY 10th....The beginning of a life that we would share together...
I do not dwell anymore on the things that I missed with my son...I no longer go there...it serves me no purpose...instead I hold onto the things that we have...what we share together now...the memories that we are making together...
I hold onto the sentiment of the card I received from him for this anniversary date...and my heart celebrates...
Miles apart...and missing you with all my heart.
1. My daughter was born on the 15th
2. My sister was born on the 19th
3. My late husband was born on the 26th
4. Other family members were also born this month.
MAY 10th is the anniversary date of the first time I talked to my son (and family)...and then of course there is Mother's Day. Quite a double celebration!
Two days in row that tug at my heart. Two days in a row that forever changed my life.
My son was my first born...and for 42 years Mother's Day was not acknowledged by anyone for me in regards to him. It was a hole in my heart...a piece missing . When my daughter was born in 1973 I was finally allowed to celebrate Mother's Day...but that hole and the piece were still missing. Don't get me wrong...I still celebrated...I still loved being a Mother...I gave my all to that position I held in life...but there was always that part of me that was never acknowledged...there was always the child that was not a part of my life...
I wondered this year as I sent out an anniversary card to my son and family...if there will come a day when I will no longer need to honor the day that we first talked...if we would get to a place where we would acknowledge the "normal" days that most families celebrate...and my mind could not wrap around that thought...it is a milestone for us as Mother and Son...
There are stories that all Mothers can tell about their children...what they were like as babies...the first time they said MAMA...how they did in school...what they loved to do as they grew up...and Gerard and I do not have those...but what we do have is MAY 10th....The beginning of a life that we would share together...
I do not dwell anymore on the things that I missed with my son...I no longer go there...it serves me no purpose...instead I hold onto the things that we have...what we share together now...the memories that we are making together...
I hold onto the sentiment of the card I received from him for this anniversary date...and my heart celebrates...
Miles apart...and missing you with all my heart.
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Sometimes you are the only one on earth who knows exactly the battles that you have had to fight, the dragons you have had to slay, the muck you have had to walk through, the pain you have had to endure, the strength you have had to build, the wisdom you have had to earn. Sometimes you are the only one who knows the depth that is behind your own eyes.
For this reason beautiful friend, it is so important that you give yourself the kind of respect that you would give to someone who has lived through all that you have lived through. It is so important that you are compassionate with yourself, that you are gentle with yourself, that you are patient with yourself. It is so important that you continue to remind yourself that you have made it through tough things and that you will continue to make it through things. It is so important that you give yourself credit for what you have learned so far instead of comparing yourself with others. It is so important that you cheer yourself on, instead of putting yourself through the ringer. It is so important that you are fair and kind with this sacred information that you have about yourself. No one, aside from your Creator, knows what you know about yourself, so you must be careful and responsible and a noble guardian over these things.
You are worth whatever it takes for you to be respectful, kind, patient and good to yourself. Listen to your heart, listen to your dreams, listen to the things that hurt and take care of them. No matter how much someone else loves you they cannot know what it means to BE you, and so you must do the work of BEING YOU and taking care of you.
Take the time dear Patricia...You are so important.
Be good to YOU, so that you can be good to everyone you love and good at everything you love.
Dear Patricia...
What has happened in the past 4 months...WOW! A lot of personal stuff...health problems with my Mother who is 88 and then there are my own health issues...and the passing of my fabulous Aunt and my dear friend within 24 hours of each other...Holding it together.
In the beginning of the year I started a journal "YOU ARE SO LOVED" for myself dealing with just adoption and the issues that pop up for me....Each page contains a letter I have addressed to Dear Patricia...some of those letters are addressing my 17 year old self from my older self...some are addressing me from a source deep within...but it has so helped my healing...I thought I was over a great many issues surrounding adoption, but they still were there...this journal has helped me in so many ways...
The biggest thing that I have found is that I understand that getting upset about the things that I cannot change serves me no purpose other than to continue the hurt...I cannot change anything...I cannot go back....and if I continue to do that it will kill me and kill my relationship with my son...I refuse to let that happen!
The other day when talking with my son...I mentioned that this was the longest period of time we have gone without getting together...he jokingly added "well there were those 42 years" to which I replied "I don't count those"...and a light bulb went off in my heart and my head...NO I DON'T COUNT THOSE ANYMORE!
And what I realized is that the journaling has brought me to this place...that getting my feelings down on paper...that speaking my truth and being heard has helped me to accept those things I can never change...
As parents we silently tell our children that we will provide and protect them as they grow...because I could never do that actually writing it down brought peace to my heart...and I am HAPPY!
In the beginning of the year I started a journal "YOU ARE SO LOVED" for myself dealing with just adoption and the issues that pop up for me....Each page contains a letter I have addressed to Dear Patricia...some of those letters are addressing my 17 year old self from my older self...some are addressing me from a source deep within...but it has so helped my healing...I thought I was over a great many issues surrounding adoption, but they still were there...this journal has helped me in so many ways...
The biggest thing that I have found is that I understand that getting upset about the things that I cannot change serves me no purpose other than to continue the hurt...I cannot change anything...I cannot go back....and if I continue to do that it will kill me and kill my relationship with my son...I refuse to let that happen!
The other day when talking with my son...I mentioned that this was the longest period of time we have gone without getting together...he jokingly added "well there were those 42 years" to which I replied "I don't count those"...and a light bulb went off in my heart and my head...NO I DON'T COUNT THOSE ANYMORE!
And what I realized is that the journaling has brought me to this place...that getting my feelings down on paper...that speaking my truth and being heard has helped me to accept those things I can never change...
As parents we silently tell our children that we will provide and protect them as they grow...because I could never do that actually writing it down brought peace to my heart...and I am HAPPY!
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Ozzie and Harriet is not the norm! It never was! That was a television program!
Each branch...each twig of love on your family tree is there to support you...whether sprawling and far flung or tiny and barely there they are all necessary...
"...Love is not love
which alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever fixed mark
that looks on tempests and is never shaken..."
I use to think that Shakespeare's Sonnet # 16 was about romantic love. I use to think that romantic love was the only kind that caused fireworks of the heart and deserved serious attention. Then I had children...I nursed people who were dying...I was reunited with my son.
It turns out that , if you believe in love, there are an awful lot of people TO LOVE. Our capacity to love is not limited...time is a constraint and so is energy, but love that makes your life better gives you more of what you need.
Throw open the door....and gather up the whole beautiful variegated bouquet of family.
And LOVE...
And BE LOVED...
What I know to be true:
1. I love the people I love deeply.
2. I have a deep desire to protect people I love deeply.
3. Sometimes love means I get to take a step back and allow others to find their own path and trust that I did my job and served my purpose in that moment in time...and believe they will remember what I taught them is pure and good.
4. I know who I am and what I am about and what things, actions and words will support me in being in true alignment with my essence.
5. My Ego does not have the last ay in most of my choices. But sometimes it does (or tries).
6. My Spirit speaks louder than my Ego and I must trust in it. But sometimes I don't.
7. The gift is ALWAYS in the experience even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.
8. My truth is MY TRUTH, Your truth is YOUR TRUTH, Honor all truths.
9. Sometimes silence is the best policy and part of the job. Perception is perception and it all is relative.
10. I am a Teller of Truths and Keeper of Sacred Dreams, my loyalty is fierce, my compassion runs deep and I believe in ALL POSSUBILIIES...even when it seems impossible.
EVERYTHING is secretly utterly perfect. Knowing this to be true lightens my heart.
Dear Patricia...
YEAR 2 of Reunion...
I spent the holiday with my son and his family. This was the very first Christmas morning that we have had together. And although spending it with my grandchildren was exciting it was the fact that I could watch the magic of my sons' eyes as he watched his children. I was touched deep to my core with love for all of them.
My son made me a clock...the second homemade gift I have received from him...I was thrilled because he took time out of his busy schedule to make something for me...it holds a space in my living room where I can see it every day...reminding me that time is now on my side to have a relationship with him...that time did not break the bond that we share as mother and son.
While visiting I met his brother...this is the first family member I have met. I was honored that he wanted to finally meet me...he was celebrating his brothers' happiness...he was celebrating our reunion...and it made me very aware of the different love we all have in our lives...the different bonds...the different ties.
The family relationships of love are so many and so diverse. There is the mothers' love for her child. A husbands' love for his wife. A brothers' love for his brother. I know that our family is not just gifted with blood relationships but rather it is grounded in love. There are bonds that attach him to his family...and there are bonds that attach him to his newly reunited family. Old bonds and new bonds...each inevitably leading to loving unions.
We meld and join them together as best as we can.
PS: One of the gifts I finally decided on for him this Christmas was a custom made Kaleidoscope...With a note that said: I see the world differently now...and it is beautiful. ( A sentence he had written to me in a letter)
I spent the holiday with my son and his family. This was the very first Christmas morning that we have had together. And although spending it with my grandchildren was exciting it was the fact that I could watch the magic of my sons' eyes as he watched his children. I was touched deep to my core with love for all of them.
My son made me a clock...the second homemade gift I have received from him...I was thrilled because he took time out of his busy schedule to make something for me...it holds a space in my living room where I can see it every day...reminding me that time is now on my side to have a relationship with him...that time did not break the bond that we share as mother and son.
While visiting I met his brother...this is the first family member I have met. I was honored that he wanted to finally meet me...he was celebrating his brothers' happiness...he was celebrating our reunion...and it made me very aware of the different love we all have in our lives...the different bonds...the different ties.
The family relationships of love are so many and so diverse. There is the mothers' love for her child. A husbands' love for his wife. A brothers' love for his brother. I know that our family is not just gifted with blood relationships but rather it is grounded in love. There are bonds that attach him to his family...and there are bonds that attach him to his newly reunited family. Old bonds and new bonds...each inevitably leading to loving unions.
We meld and join them together as best as we can.
PS: One of the gifts I finally decided on for him this Christmas was a custom made Kaleidoscope...With a note that said: I see the world differently now...and it is beautiful. ( A sentence he had written to me in a letter)
Dear Patricia...
To My Son...
Thank you for opening up your heart and your life to me.
Thank you for bringing light into my life and helping me to unfold.
You are so loved...
Love,
Your Mom
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
You are still learning...Take care not to slip into old patterns that do not benefit you or your son and your relationship.
Learn to turn your negative thoughts over gently...learn to let them go.
It is a myth that he would want nothing to do with you...
It is a myth that you are not good enough...
Continue to do the work that you need to do...allow your soul to evolve...remember that the most effective way to let your soul grow is to be an active participant...be present and reach out...
He has told you that he WANTS to be part of your life...he is committed to having you in his life...he wants to feel more connected...
You are the person NOW that he needs...
You are the person NOW that can love him...
You are no longer a myth...
Dear Patricia...
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard
I have been reviewing the year the past few days....I have looked at and read all the cards and letters that my son and the family have sent to me...they have a special spot next to by bed... beside the night light he made for me...along with a picture of the two of us... I see them each night and again each morning...perhaps reminding me that all this is so real...perhaps it is to keep him close...There are now photos of him and the family along side pictures of my daughter and son...my grandson...and my beloved husband and kitties that line my desk in my studio...he is always close by for me to glance at now along side those that I love...my heart smiles when I see them all there...for although I dreamed...hoped and wished to be reunited with him, I know that there were many times that I did not feel that would happen...I could not go back and make things different...
2012 was a year full of discoveries and understanding...and I believe that all of it has to do with reuniting...I have found that I have had to be introspective about my fears and the pain that I have been carrying around for so long...a sort of spring cleaning of the soul. There were times when it was uncomfortable for me to face the pain that I had been locking away for so long....I don't believe that I ever allowed myself to go through the "grieving" process of entrusting him to adoption...the "secret" was placed in a box and locked deep in my heart...there were times when it rocked and rattled its chains causing me to go into a deep depression...there were times when it slid to the front of my heart but it would not open itself up...
Once it opened I finally felt a freedom...my heart has become full of light and I feel as if in this past year that I am unfolding...I am opening up...I am stretching...I am becoming more ME! Secrets have a way of weighing you down...holding you back...they do not allow you to grow properly...I am feeling much more grounded...roots being planted firmly in the ground...broken branches are mending...I am once again growing....I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that the 18 year old girl in me has finally been allowed to grieve...she finally has a voice...she finally has learned to forgive herself. Reuniting has been extremely positive for me...I am over joyed to tell my "secret" to anyone and everyone...it is so liberating...I feel as if I am seeing myself through new eyes...
Who are we at 18? What do we really know about our self at that age? I imagine some people are focused...some people know exactly what they want out of life...but for me...I don't believe I had any idea and so becoming pregnant and then having to let go of my child formed in my adolescent mind a negative image of my self....and no matter how old I became there was always that part of me that was 18 years old with that negative image...carrying that image around for 42 years it became quite heavy...I have finally been able to put that luggage down...let go of the image and tell that 18 year old girl that things turned out exactly as they were meant to be...
I am a firm believer in "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose"...and this is my season now with my son...this is our time...
this is the beginning of our brand new ending...
I have been reviewing the year the past few days....I have looked at and read all the cards and letters that my son and the family have sent to me...they have a special spot next to by bed... beside the night light he made for me...along with a picture of the two of us... I see them each night and again each morning...perhaps reminding me that all this is so real...perhaps it is to keep him close...There are now photos of him and the family along side pictures of my daughter and son...my grandson...and my beloved husband and kitties that line my desk in my studio...he is always close by for me to glance at now along side those that I love...my heart smiles when I see them all there...for although I dreamed...hoped and wished to be reunited with him, I know that there were many times that I did not feel that would happen...I could not go back and make things different...
2012 was a year full of discoveries and understanding...and I believe that all of it has to do with reuniting...I have found that I have had to be introspective about my fears and the pain that I have been carrying around for so long...a sort of spring cleaning of the soul. There were times when it was uncomfortable for me to face the pain that I had been locking away for so long....I don't believe that I ever allowed myself to go through the "grieving" process of entrusting him to adoption...the "secret" was placed in a box and locked deep in my heart...there were times when it rocked and rattled its chains causing me to go into a deep depression...there were times when it slid to the front of my heart but it would not open itself up...
Once it opened I finally felt a freedom...my heart has become full of light and I feel as if in this past year that I am unfolding...I am opening up...I am stretching...I am becoming more ME! Secrets have a way of weighing you down...holding you back...they do not allow you to grow properly...I am feeling much more grounded...roots being planted firmly in the ground...broken branches are mending...I am once again growing....I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that the 18 year old girl in me has finally been allowed to grieve...she finally has a voice...she finally has learned to forgive herself. Reuniting has been extremely positive for me...I am over joyed to tell my "secret" to anyone and everyone...it is so liberating...I feel as if I am seeing myself through new eyes...
Who are we at 18? What do we really know about our self at that age? I imagine some people are focused...some people know exactly what they want out of life...but for me...I don't believe I had any idea and so becoming pregnant and then having to let go of my child formed in my adolescent mind a negative image of my self....and no matter how old I became there was always that part of me that was 18 years old with that negative image...carrying that image around for 42 years it became quite heavy...I have finally been able to put that luggage down...let go of the image and tell that 18 year old girl that things turned out exactly as they were meant to be...
I am a firm believer in "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose"...and this is my season now with my son...this is our time...
this is the beginning of our brand new ending...
Dear Patricia...
| "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr Seuss | |
The funny thing about a "secret" is once you let it go you feel liberated in a lot of ways...and it suddenly becomes safe for others to tell their "secret". It is like a snowball effect....it gets larger and larger. I have had the privilege of not only sharing my story about adoption with others now for the past year with great joy, but I have also had the privilege of hearing other peoples stories. Had I NOT contacted an old friend on facebook who knows if I would be writing here today. No two stories are the same...but each one has been told from the heart.
I have also read a few "adoption" books...stories of other peoples' feelings about adoption...theories about how adoptees...birth mothers...adopted families feel and how adoption has affected their lives...some of these books were written by Doctors and others written by either birth mothers or adoptees...and what I found is that very little of what most of them wrote mirrored my story and my sons...and most of them led the reader to believe that ALL adoptees and birth mothers felt the same...angry...depressed...lacking...and although I can relate to some of what they say...I rarely believe that I feel such resentment as they describe...nor does my son.
I am finding that my son is much more adjusted with being adopted than I am about entrusting him to the adoption (but I am consciously working on that) What I have found from reading and talking is that: EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT!
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
On your new JOURNEY I want to remind you of some things:
Have FAITH that everything is fine...and that life is good!
Find PEACE in your heart!
Allow your feelings to GROW from the inside out!
Feel the JOY of all the moments that you have together!
BELIEVE that everything is exactly as it is suppose to be!
Pour all the LOVE that you have to give out!
Know that you have always held onto the HOPE of this day!
YOU ARE THE DIRECTOR OF YOUR STORY!
On this JOURNEY...
BELIEVE...HOPE...LOVE...
Hold onto...
JOY...PEACE...FAITH...
...GROW...
(POST SCRIPT: These journal pages are from the first year of reunion...the dialogue with myself and my healing change during the 2nd, 3rd, and what is now the 4th year.)
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
What is it that brings you back to the pain of the past? What is it that does not allow you at times to appreciate the joy of the present? What is it that sometimes keeps you tight in the bud?
Do you fear that you are still not worthy? Do you fear that somehow things will fall apart if you stay in the bud you will be able to say "SEE...told you so"? What is it that you fear?
UNFOLD...each and every beautiful petal.
OPEN up and expose all the beauty.
ACCEPT that the past is gone and you can not do anything about it.
BELIEVE that you are good and deserving great happiness.
LET GO of the past and GROW in the present...
DearPatricia...
Dear Patricia...
YOU ARE BLESSED!
Although you did not have the last 42 years...you have from this moment forward.
You have EVERY birthday from this moment forward...
You have EVERY holiday from this moment forward...
You have EVERY letter and card from this moment forward...
You have EVERY Mother's Day from this moment forward...
You can see your grandchildren grow from this moment forward...
You can share who you are from this moment forward...
You can discover your connection from this moment forward...
You can love and be loved from this moment forward...
YOU ARE SO VERY BLESSED!
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Remember that you are certainly not the only person who has gone through life with an underlying pain...pain that you were sometimes aware of daily...other times it came out in ways that you were not even sure of where it came from.
That pain is a part of you...a part of how you see the world.
Now is the time to take that pain and acknowledge it and process it...You no longer need to sit on the pain...you no longer need to hold it in...release...
Empower yourself...light your lantern....keep your light shining brightly...take action to heal yourself.
Dear Patricia...
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
~ Maya Angelou
We all have stories...some that we tell over and over again...some that have a lesson for the person we are telling it to...some are pleasant memories..others may not be but we have gained a value from what we went thorough...story telling has been with us forever...and yet, there are stories that some never tell and they bare that story and its agony by them self...
Having reunited with my son and now that the locked box has been destroyed I wonder why I did not share it with very many people...I wonder why I felt such guilt and disapproval about myself...I think back on the feelings of "good and bad"...for people of my generation we learned that at such a young age...you were lumped into those two categories for just about everything...if you followed directions you were "good"...if not you were "bad"...if you did as your parents said you were "good" if not you were "bad"...that could be as simple as eating your peas all up...I was very "bad" when it came to brussel sprouts...I sat many a night at the table long after everyone had been excused till I finally ate those round...cold...hard green things! Funny though as an adult I love them...do you think it might be because no one is making me eat them and I am no longer considered "bad" if I decide to throw a few of them away?! I no longer think of myself in these terms...some of that came with age...but some of it came with the reuniting with my son and the freedom of telling my story. But it is a "good" story...it has a happy ending...not all the stories end this way.
Recently I was told a story about a man who reached out to his birth mother...he had hired a private detective to locate her after years of being unsuccessful himself. It was worth the money to pay some one to do this as he had so longed to make contact. He wrote her a letter...telling her who he was and how he was hoping that he indeed had the right person and if so he would love to hear from her...he hoped that they might be able to share who they are now with each other....he mailed it and waited. After several months of waiting (he was way more patient than I would of been!) and not hearing from her he decided he would call her, to at least get confirmation that the information that he got from the detective was either right or wrong... He made that nervous call, explained that he was calling because he wanted to know if she was his Mother or not...the answer was Yes, she was...but she was not receptive to him...she did not want to have contact with him...he belonged to his adopted family...she had her own family. She told him not to call again.
It has been difficult for him...he had hoped for a "good" reunion and he did not receive that. He went through a great deal of emotions during the next year trying to come to terms with the fact that not only did his mother relinquish him at birth but she had no desire to see him or talk to him now as an adult...he was relinquished twice by her he felt. Just hearing the words..."you belong to your adopted family" made me have anxieties...Did she really feel as if she had made a business transaction?...does someone really belong to anyone else? Was that what she thought adoption was?
I count my blessings... I breathe a sigh of relief...I am incredibly lucky to have so much love surrounding myself and my son...so much acceptance from our extended families...It could of gone differently...My son often thanks me for being brave and resilient...I never thought of myself that way...I just knew that I needed to know that he had a good life...and that I always loved him...I knew in my heart that he was always a part of me...I could only hope that he would be receptive to that love. Like my thoughts yesterday...searching is not for the faint at heart.
We all have stories that we should tell to release any agony we carry for not telling them. By releasing them we heal and we grow...
~ Maya Angelou
We all have stories...some that we tell over and over again...some that have a lesson for the person we are telling it to...some are pleasant memories..others may not be but we have gained a value from what we went thorough...story telling has been with us forever...and yet, there are stories that some never tell and they bare that story and its agony by them self...
Having reunited with my son and now that the locked box has been destroyed I wonder why I did not share it with very many people...I wonder why I felt such guilt and disapproval about myself...I think back on the feelings of "good and bad"...for people of my generation we learned that at such a young age...you were lumped into those two categories for just about everything...if you followed directions you were "good"...if not you were "bad"...if you did as your parents said you were "good" if not you were "bad"...that could be as simple as eating your peas all up...I was very "bad" when it came to brussel sprouts...I sat many a night at the table long after everyone had been excused till I finally ate those round...cold...hard green things! Funny though as an adult I love them...do you think it might be because no one is making me eat them and I am no longer considered "bad" if I decide to throw a few of them away?! I no longer think of myself in these terms...some of that came with age...but some of it came with the reuniting with my son and the freedom of telling my story. But it is a "good" story...it has a happy ending...not all the stories end this way.
Recently I was told a story about a man who reached out to his birth mother...he had hired a private detective to locate her after years of being unsuccessful himself. It was worth the money to pay some one to do this as he had so longed to make contact. He wrote her a letter...telling her who he was and how he was hoping that he indeed had the right person and if so he would love to hear from her...he hoped that they might be able to share who they are now with each other....he mailed it and waited. After several months of waiting (he was way more patient than I would of been!) and not hearing from her he decided he would call her, to at least get confirmation that the information that he got from the detective was either right or wrong... He made that nervous call, explained that he was calling because he wanted to know if she was his Mother or not...the answer was Yes, she was...but she was not receptive to him...she did not want to have contact with him...he belonged to his adopted family...she had her own family. She told him not to call again.
It has been difficult for him...he had hoped for a "good" reunion and he did not receive that. He went through a great deal of emotions during the next year trying to come to terms with the fact that not only did his mother relinquish him at birth but she had no desire to see him or talk to him now as an adult...he was relinquished twice by her he felt. Just hearing the words..."you belong to your adopted family" made me have anxieties...Did she really feel as if she had made a business transaction?...does someone really belong to anyone else? Was that what she thought adoption was?
I count my blessings... I breathe a sigh of relief...I am incredibly lucky to have so much love surrounding myself and my son...so much acceptance from our extended families...It could of gone differently...My son often thanks me for being brave and resilient...I never thought of myself that way...I just knew that I needed to know that he had a good life...and that I always loved him...I knew in my heart that he was always a part of me...I could only hope that he would be receptive to that love. Like my thoughts yesterday...searching is not for the faint at heart.
We all have stories that we should tell to release any agony we carry for not telling them. By releasing them we heal and we grow...
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
You started to feather your nest in 1969...but the wind was so much stronger than you were at the time. Although the nest still stayed on the branches, it was empty.
It remained empty for 43 years.
It is NOT to late to continue to feather your nest. It is NOT to late to share the love that you have always carried in your heart. It is NOT to late to know that you are a good Mother. It is NOT to late to share who you are and what you have to offer.
IT IS NOT TO LATE!
In many ways, you will find that your son is getting the BEST of you. You are no longer the 17/18 year old girl who was so afraid of the world. You are a gown woman who is truly beginning to come into your own.
Feather your nest Dear Patricia...Feather it with all the love in your heart.
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...What is still stopping you?
Share yourself...share who you really are with all your offbeat traits and ideas...your thoughts...your feelings. DO NOT down play them anymore. DO NOT edit yourself anymore. Rediscover and embrace your buried traits.
Life as we know it is so short. Making the most of the years we are granted is a matter of being yourself. YES....there will still be people who disapprove of you and your choices. But...if you allow yourself to shine you will discover that your happiness will shine also.
No one else in the world is precisely like you and each time you expose the true you...each time you revel in this simple fact...
YOU REDEDICATE YOURSELF...YOU CELEBRATE YOU...AND ALL THAT YOU ARE...
Dear Patricia...
It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ~K.T. Jong
After returning home from a visit at my sons house I started questioning everything...I started getting into my "flight" mode...I could feel it just under the surface of my skin...why? Everything was going along so perfectly. And then it was brought to my attention by my Doctor..."you have no road map...you have nothing to compare what is going on to...you are raking up a lot of unresolved issues with yourself...you haven't let go of the guilt you have placed on yourself...this is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"...
You know yourself better than anyone...get quiet with yourself and start to figure it out. You are not going to ever leave him again...and he knows that. He wants you in his life and you know that...be gentle with yourself.
Up until now I had no problem being vulnerable with my son especially when I wrote letters to him...but I was having a difficult time when we were together. I think the full impact of having him in my life had finally hit me, this Christmas holiday... It was bringing up emotional responses from deep within...
"I have to make up for all the lost time"..."I have to show him that I am a good woman"..."I have to see him and talk to him in order to make sure he understands"..."I need for him to forgive me"..."I want to be totally connected"..."when will I see him again"..."does he truly understand that I love him"...along with so many more...
These thoughts and feelings were stopping me in my tracks...they were making me feel sad and depressed...they were bringing back so many feelings from 1969 that I had buried...and yet, I knew I had not buried all of them because they have played such a major part in my life. They had not manifested them self in the way where I could say...Yes, I feel like this because of the adoption...but rather they were sneaky, showing up when I had no idea why. I had a fear of driving at night time... I suffered from anxiety attacks...and depression. I let people only get so close to me even if I loved them...I was quiet with my feelings, afraid most would not understand them...I could be loud when I wanted to make sure I was being heard...I was my own worst enemy at times, and would self sabotage myself at many turns...I had a lack of confidence...If you asked any of my friends if these things were true, they would probably say "who are you talking about? She is not like that at all." But I knew I was...I knew what I hid and what I exposed...
I was keeping myself from sharing these feelings with him because I did not want to appear needy...pushy...or feel like I was asking to much of him and his family...but that is how I was feeling. The one thing that kept coming up for me was that I was feeling insecure.
This relationship was so much different than the relationship I have with the children I raised. I am so accustomed to talking to my daughter and son...I talk to my son every day (he lives with me, moving in after my husband passed away) and I talk with my daughter at least 3 times a week if not more and I see her at least once a week...my grand son sleeps over night quite often...all of these facts made me feel as if I should be spending as much time as possible with my son and his family...I had to remind my self that I have had the luxury of knowing my daughter for 40 years...and my son for 38...and yet, with my oldest son, I have had less than a year. I have nothing to base what I say or do on...there is no past history for me to rely on. With my other children I know what to say and do...I know what their reaction will be to most situations...we accept each other...we know each other...we feel safe and secure with each other.
Our reuniting had powerfully touched my life. It was opening so many previous locked doors. I was discovering insights about who I am and the forces that shaped me. How much losing him had truly affected my life, and the way I dealt with different things. As I delved into my soul...I began to understand how the past had influenced me....and it was now time to empower myself by embracing those aspects of my self that add value to my life and forgive and rid my self from those that did not. Not an easy task to be that honest with yourself...not an easy task to figure out how to do... I wondered if my son went through some of these different emotions...learning about the traits that define you...exploring new answers to your personal truths...letting go of thoughts that no longer serve you...I wondered how he juggled emotionally having two mothers in his life...two separate and different families. (he believes he is a lucky man to have so many of us in his life, and he knows that we all love him.)
We were making it up as we went along....I did not want to cross any lines...to much...to soon...or to fast. I know that I have not been there for him in the past, but I will always be there for him now.
And then a card came...he sent it to me the day after I left...one of our favorite hoop and yoyo talking cards..."hey, I'm thinking about you! are you thinking about me? most likely you are! but are you thinking about me thinking about you? or are you just thinking about me? either way...it's all good!"
He wrote a short note inside...
"Yesterday you left on a trip back home...it is the reverse of my life's journey so far. Though you are not physically here please know you are always with me and you always have been. Parting is just an opportunity to have adventures that we will share with one another later. An opportunity for growth. The thought of you is a new lens through which I view the world and the images are perfect. I love you."
BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE...my heart smiled!
I decided it was truly time to grow with each new day with the gratitude of life...I would have to remind myself to be humble every day...I think of my son...I think of the extraordinary year that we are having and I am filled with joy from the memories we are making...memories that I would now have forever. I decided that it was time to stop questioning myself...it was time to let the past go and start to be ever present to the here and the now...it was time...and I would take it one moment...one hour...one day at a time...I decided that I was "good enough" to have him in my life...I decided that the belief that I had about myself that I was "bad" was totally untrue...I decided that neither of us was going to "abandon" the other...(but could I keep these positive thoughts?)
and that Love...love was the only thing that ever mattered...
After returning home from a visit at my sons house I started questioning everything...I started getting into my "flight" mode...I could feel it just under the surface of my skin...why? Everything was going along so perfectly. And then it was brought to my attention by my Doctor..."you have no road map...you have nothing to compare what is going on to...you are raking up a lot of unresolved issues with yourself...you haven't let go of the guilt you have placed on yourself...this is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"...
You know yourself better than anyone...get quiet with yourself and start to figure it out. You are not going to ever leave him again...and he knows that. He wants you in his life and you know that...be gentle with yourself.
Up until now I had no problem being vulnerable with my son especially when I wrote letters to him...but I was having a difficult time when we were together. I think the full impact of having him in my life had finally hit me, this Christmas holiday... It was bringing up emotional responses from deep within...
"I have to make up for all the lost time"..."I have to show him that I am a good woman"..."I have to see him and talk to him in order to make sure he understands"..."I need for him to forgive me"..."I want to be totally connected"..."when will I see him again"..."does he truly understand that I love him"...along with so many more...
These thoughts and feelings were stopping me in my tracks...they were making me feel sad and depressed...they were bringing back so many feelings from 1969 that I had buried...and yet, I knew I had not buried all of them because they have played such a major part in my life. They had not manifested them self in the way where I could say...Yes, I feel like this because of the adoption...but rather they were sneaky, showing up when I had no idea why. I had a fear of driving at night time... I suffered from anxiety attacks...and depression. I let people only get so close to me even if I loved them...I was quiet with my feelings, afraid most would not understand them...I could be loud when I wanted to make sure I was being heard...I was my own worst enemy at times, and would self sabotage myself at many turns...I had a lack of confidence...If you asked any of my friends if these things were true, they would probably say "who are you talking about? She is not like that at all." But I knew I was...I knew what I hid and what I exposed...
I was keeping myself from sharing these feelings with him because I did not want to appear needy...pushy...or feel like I was asking to much of him and his family...but that is how I was feeling. The one thing that kept coming up for me was that I was feeling insecure.
This relationship was so much different than the relationship I have with the children I raised. I am so accustomed to talking to my daughter and son...I talk to my son every day (he lives with me, moving in after my husband passed away) and I talk with my daughter at least 3 times a week if not more and I see her at least once a week...my grand son sleeps over night quite often...all of these facts made me feel as if I should be spending as much time as possible with my son and his family...I had to remind my self that I have had the luxury of knowing my daughter for 40 years...and my son for 38...and yet, with my oldest son, I have had less than a year. I have nothing to base what I say or do on...there is no past history for me to rely on. With my other children I know what to say and do...I know what their reaction will be to most situations...we accept each other...we know each other...we feel safe and secure with each other.
Our reuniting had powerfully touched my life. It was opening so many previous locked doors. I was discovering insights about who I am and the forces that shaped me. How much losing him had truly affected my life, and the way I dealt with different things. As I delved into my soul...I began to understand how the past had influenced me....and it was now time to empower myself by embracing those aspects of my self that add value to my life and forgive and rid my self from those that did not. Not an easy task to be that honest with yourself...not an easy task to figure out how to do... I wondered if my son went through some of these different emotions...learning about the traits that define you...exploring new answers to your personal truths...letting go of thoughts that no longer serve you...I wondered how he juggled emotionally having two mothers in his life...two separate and different families. (he believes he is a lucky man to have so many of us in his life, and he knows that we all love him.)
We were making it up as we went along....I did not want to cross any lines...to much...to soon...or to fast. I know that I have not been there for him in the past, but I will always be there for him now.
And then a card came...he sent it to me the day after I left...one of our favorite hoop and yoyo talking cards..."hey, I'm thinking about you! are you thinking about me? most likely you are! but are you thinking about me thinking about you? or are you just thinking about me? either way...it's all good!"
He wrote a short note inside...
"Yesterday you left on a trip back home...it is the reverse of my life's journey so far. Though you are not physically here please know you are always with me and you always have been. Parting is just an opportunity to have adventures that we will share with one another later. An opportunity for growth. The thought of you is a new lens through which I view the world and the images are perfect. I love you."
BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE...my heart smiled!
I decided it was truly time to grow with each new day with the gratitude of life...I would have to remind myself to be humble every day...I think of my son...I think of the extraordinary year that we are having and I am filled with joy from the memories we are making...memories that I would now have forever. I decided that it was time to stop questioning myself...it was time to let the past go and start to be ever present to the here and the now...it was time...and I would take it one moment...one hour...one day at a time...I decided that I was "good enough" to have him in my life...I decided that the belief that I had about myself that I was "bad" was totally untrue...I decided that neither of us was going to "abandon" the other...(but could I keep these positive thoughts?)
and that Love...love was the only thing that ever mattered...
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia....
Why is it that you continue to tolerate the critical chatter that comes from your mind? I know you are so use to the stream of self-limiting, critical consciousness that winds its way through your thoughts..
often unaware of the impact these thoughts have on your life.
THE PAST IS THE PAST! TODAY IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!
Your son is in your life now...you are forming your relationship NOW! YES...it has been far to long...but you are blessed NOW...Fill those empty holes in your heart...fill them with love and peace for yourself and him.
Pay careful attention to your thinking patterns...let the negativity go...HEAL...replace all the intimidating and negative thoughts with TODAY...with positive and empowering thoughts.
YES....there will be days when those negative thoughts will dampen and effect your mood...but be aware...of the tone...and challenge them. Be conscious of your feelings, opinions and judgments...scrutinize the messages you are feeding your mind...take note of the times you find yourself focusing on gloomy notions or self-directed criticism...
CHANGE THE PATTERNS
Always remember that the ideas that pass through your mind are fleeting....and not a true representation of who you really are...
Build a new foundation....have a more authentic existence!
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
(Again I will admit that I was having difficult days with believing that I was worthy of being in my son's life...)
Dear Patricia...
" The future doesn't belong to the faint-hearted; it belongs to the brave." ~ Ronald Reagan
Recently I read an adoptee story...A 34 year old woman was contacted by a woman who said she was her "birth" Mother. NOT POSSIBLE she said as she was not adopted. Asking her parents about this strange event she finally learned after 34 years that yes she was adopted. Now, she must process the "secret" in so many different ways. My heart breaks for her for not knowing this information...my heart holds her gently as she has to deal with all this information...(I truly do not understand why this was a "secret" that needed to be kept...especially for so many years on their part...)
Searching for your parent/child is not for the faint at heart. In her case of course she was never told about being adopted. But, for those of us who search that is one of the walls we can come up too...another is being totally rejected by child/parent...and yet another is being accepted and then rejected...and the worse one of all is never finding that missing piece because one of them has died.
I believe in and support opening records to original birth records to those who seek them. These walls will always exist regardless of whether or not those records are available...the state of New York has an adoption registry, I never knew about it, but my son did. He filled out all the paper work and because I was not registered he received "non disclosing" information about me...his mother was 18 years old at the time of his birth, and what city he was born in...certainly not much to go on...certainly this is a needle in the haystack as they say. How could he possibly find me? I also think now about his original birth certificate which would of listed my name at the time of his birth...my maiden name...last name KING...now again, I ask you is that enough information to find me? Patricia King no longer exists...she has been married...divorced and remarried...several name changes...several different addresses...and if you check any phone book in any city you will find that the last name KING has pages of listings...
Recently I read an adoptee story...A 34 year old woman was contacted by a woman who said she was her "birth" Mother. NOT POSSIBLE she said as she was not adopted. Asking her parents about this strange event she finally learned after 34 years that yes she was adopted. Now, she must process the "secret" in so many different ways. My heart breaks for her for not knowing this information...my heart holds her gently as she has to deal with all this information...(I truly do not understand why this was a "secret" that needed to be kept...especially for so many years on their part...)
Searching for your parent/child is not for the faint at heart. In her case of course she was never told about being adopted. But, for those of us who search that is one of the walls we can come up too...another is being totally rejected by child/parent...and yet another is being accepted and then rejected...and the worse one of all is never finding that missing piece because one of them has died.
I believe in and support opening records to original birth records to those who seek them. These walls will always exist regardless of whether or not those records are available...the state of New York has an adoption registry, I never knew about it, but my son did. He filled out all the paper work and because I was not registered he received "non disclosing" information about me...his mother was 18 years old at the time of his birth, and what city he was born in...certainly not much to go on...certainly this is a needle in the haystack as they say. How could he possibly find me? I also think now about his original birth certificate which would of listed my name at the time of his birth...my maiden name...last name KING...now again, I ask you is that enough information to find me? Patricia King no longer exists...she has been married...divorced and remarried...several name changes...several different addresses...and if you check any phone book in any city you will find that the last name KING has pages of listings...
Walls and road blocks...dead ends and detours...
One who searches must be willing to face whatever happens...they must be willing to accept the good and the bad of that search...they must be willing to open up their heart...they must be willing to accept the fact that the "secret" may still be intact...they must be willing to change their life...
they must be brave...
Dear Patricia...
Every child begins the world again...
~Henry David Thoreau
As I am learning to forgive myself...learning to forgive the circumstances surrounding entrusting my son to the adoption system...learning to move forward with joy in my heart...I am becoming more and more aware of the individuality of each of us. We all know it...but rarely do you recognize it and honor it...You often hear people saying.."oh, you are just like your mother/father" or "you get that from ..." (a member of your family) but who really talks about the heart of a person?
As my son was growing up with his family I often thought about who he might look like...or if he had a love of reading or a big sense of humor...what color hair did he have or if he loved school or was he an artist... I also knew that I might never know the answer to any of these questions and so many more that rumbled around in my head over the years...I knew that I could not undo what had been done, I had entrusted him to his parents to raise...and although he has a great many traits that I see and acknowledge as genetic...he also has a great many core values that came from the way he was raised (at least this is what I believe).
During different times in those 43 years I have felt that I did not have a right to search for my son. Many of those feelings came from guilt and hurt...but some came from the fact that I did sign documents that gave up my legal rights and responsibilities...so did that mean that I gave up the emotional and spiritual ties I had for him also? I never forgot him...I never let him go...I never stopped wondering how he was or where he was...healthy? happy? No amount of time could take that away from me...he was always with me spiritually...he was always in my heart...he is a part of who I am.
Being reunited began the healing process for me. I reached out to my son in love...not to hurt anyone nor did I think that somehow I was entitled to now because he was an adult...I have said many times, and I will continue to say how blessed I have been...Our reuniting was perfect, and the relationship we are forming is wonderful.
When we first reunited I went though a time when I wished I could go back and do it over ..but this time it would be different...this time I would raise him...this time I would nurture my newborn for more than 2 days...another stage I went through was that I wanted to be "available" for him all the time...I wanted to be in constant contact with him...I wanted him to know I was there for him..I felt needy sometimes and very protective...just like every new mother feels about their new born child...because even though he is an adult...I felt like a "new" mother with all the emotional responses of one.
I am a little more relaxed now...I no longer feel the need to apologize for myself about the adoption...or my regrets...I am at times still afraid that I am going to lose him again...I have accepted that I cannot "mother" him...there are still moments that pull at my heart and I wish that things could of been different, but I am trying not to let that weigh me down...the guilt and the hurt is being slowly washed away...It is being replaced with the wish to have a positive relationship with him...a closeness...to nurture him with unconditional love...just as every mother wants to do with their adult child...
The torn piece of my heart is mending...no longer wide open...it is becoming a scar, which I suppose I will always carry with me... but being reunited has given me a new attitude toward adoption...it is no longer a dark secret that has to be hidden away...all this is coming about with patience...with understanding...and with BIG LOVE! ( a saying that my son's wife is so fond of saying)
Today, I come full circle again...full circle to his parents...to the way he was raised and his core values...knowing that they helped him have a good and positive outlook on the adoption process...knowing that they told him that I loved him...knowing that he was given permission to carry me in his heart.
My son's heart is good...he has a positive outlook on life...he laughs and he makes me laugh...he is kind and caring...he is thoughtful and sentimental...(yes...I am a proud mother...and boy do I love to talk about and praise my children!) I love him for the person that he is...the fact that I did not raise him does not change that love in any way...
Every child does indeed begin the world again...but what I have found is that it can be a 43 year old child that can do that just as much as a 3 day old child.
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
Remember when you received the letter from NYS...remember how it made you feel?
You knew in your heart that you and your son were a match. A piece of paper wouldn't make it anymore real to you. But, you felt for the sake of others believing that your heart was true that you should register.
And then it came in the mail...you held it close to your heart...you cried...you were somehow validated by the state of New York. The state of New York was PLEASED to inform you that you were both a match. The state of New York wished you a successful reunion. The same state that sealed any chance of a reunion so many years ago. The same state that held and still holds those "secret" papers somewhere....that original birth certificate.
BUT you held that paper....You called YOUR SON....he got his papers that day also....and you cried and you said...
IT'S A BOY!
A beautiful boy...ten fingers...ten toes...all swaddled in blue...
NOW you can finally celebrate his birth...NOW you can shout it from the roof tops...NOW you no longer have to hold that secret...NOW you have him in your life...
and NOW YOU CAN LOVE AND BE LOVED!
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