Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard
I have been reviewing the year the past few days....I have looked at and read all the cards and letters that my son and the family have sent to me...they have a special spot next to by bed... beside the night light he made for me...along with a picture of the two of us... I see them each night and again each morning...perhaps reminding me that all this is so real...perhaps it is to keep him close...There are now photos of him and the family along side pictures of my daughter and son...my grandson...and my beloved husband and kitties that line my desk in my studio...he is always close by for me to glance at now along side those that I love...my heart smiles when I see them all there...for although I dreamed...hoped and wished to be reunited with him, I know that there were many times that I did not feel that would happen...I could not go back and make things different...
2012 was a year full of discoveries and understanding...and I believe that all of it has to do with reuniting...I have found that I have had to be introspective about my fears and the pain that I have been carrying around for so long...a sort of spring cleaning of the soul. There were times when it was uncomfortable for me to face the pain that I had been locking away for so long....I don't believe that I ever allowed myself to go through the "grieving" process of entrusting him to adoption...the "secret" was placed in a box and locked deep in my heart...there were times when it rocked and rattled its chains causing me to go into a deep depression...there were times when it slid to the front of my heart but it would not open itself up...
Once it opened I finally felt a freedom...my heart has become full of light and I feel as if in this past year that I am unfolding...I am opening up...I am stretching...I am becoming more ME! Secrets have a way of weighing you down...holding you back...they do not allow you to grow properly...I am feeling much more grounded...roots being planted firmly in the ground...broken branches are mending...I am once again growing....I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that the 18 year old girl in me has finally been allowed to grieve...she finally has a voice...she finally has learned to forgive herself. Reuniting has been extremely positive for me...I am over joyed to tell my "secret" to anyone and everyone...it is so liberating...I feel as if I am seeing myself through new eyes...
Who are we at 18? What do we really know about our self at that age? I imagine some people are focused...some people know exactly what they want out of life...but for me...I don't believe I had any idea and so becoming pregnant and then having to let go of my child formed in my adolescent mind a negative image of my self....and no matter how old I became there was always that part of me that was 18 years old with that negative image...carrying that image around for 42 years it became quite heavy...I have finally been able to put that luggage down...let go of the image and tell that 18 year old girl that things turned out exactly as they were meant to be...
I am a firm believer in "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose"...and this is my season now with my son...this is our time...
this is the beginning of our brand new ending...
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