Every child begins the world again...
~Henry David Thoreau
As I am learning to forgive myself...learning to forgive the circumstances surrounding entrusting my son to the adoption system...learning to move forward with joy in my heart...I am becoming more and more aware of the individuality of each of us. We all know it...but rarely do you recognize it and honor it...You often hear people saying.."oh, you are just like your mother/father" or "you get that from ..." (a member of your family) but who really talks about the heart of a person?
As my son was growing up with his family I often thought about who he might look like...or if he had a love of reading or a big sense of humor...what color hair did he have or if he loved school or was he an artist... I also knew that I might never know the answer to any of these questions and so many more that rumbled around in my head over the years...I knew that I could not undo what had been done, I had entrusted him to his parents to raise...and although he has a great many traits that I see and acknowledge as genetic...he also has a great many core values that came from the way he was raised (at least this is what I believe).
During different times in those 43 years I have felt that I did not have a right to search for my son. Many of those feelings came from guilt and hurt...but some came from the fact that I did sign documents that gave up my legal rights and responsibilities...so did that mean that I gave up the emotional and spiritual ties I had for him also? I never forgot him...I never let him go...I never stopped wondering how he was or where he was...healthy? happy? No amount of time could take that away from me...he was always with me spiritually...he was always in my heart...he is a part of who I am.
Being reunited began the healing process for me. I reached out to my son in love...not to hurt anyone nor did I think that somehow I was entitled to now because he was an adult...I have said many times, and I will continue to say how blessed I have been...Our reuniting was perfect, and the relationship we are forming is wonderful.
When we first reunited I went though a time when I wished I could go back and do it over ..but this time it would be different...this time I would raise him...this time I would nurture my newborn for more than 2 days...another stage I went through was that I wanted to be "available" for him all the time...I wanted to be in constant contact with him...I wanted him to know I was there for him..I felt needy sometimes and very protective...just like every new mother feels about their new born child...because even though he is an adult...I felt like a "new" mother with all the emotional responses of one.
I am a little more relaxed now...I no longer feel the need to apologize for myself about the adoption...or my regrets...I am at times still afraid that I am going to lose him again...I have accepted that I cannot "mother" him...there are still moments that pull at my heart and I wish that things could of been different, but I am trying not to let that weigh me down...the guilt and the hurt is being slowly washed away...It is being replaced with the wish to have a positive relationship with him...a closeness...to nurture him with unconditional love...just as every mother wants to do with their adult child...
The torn piece of my heart is mending...no longer wide open...it is becoming a scar, which I suppose I will always carry with me... but being reunited has given me a new attitude toward adoption...it is no longer a dark secret that has to be hidden away...all this is coming about with patience...with understanding...and with BIG LOVE! ( a saying that my son's wife is so fond of saying)
Today, I come full circle again...full circle to his parents...to the way he was raised and his core values...knowing that they helped him have a good and positive outlook on the adoption process...knowing that they told him that I loved him...knowing that he was given permission to carry me in his heart.
My son's heart is good...he has a positive outlook on life...he laughs and he makes me laugh...he is kind and caring...he is thoughtful and sentimental...(yes...I am a proud mother...and boy do I love to talk about and praise my children!) I love him for the person that he is...the fact that I did not raise him does not change that love in any way...
Every child does indeed begin the world again...but what I have found is that it can be a 43 year old child that can do that just as much as a 3 day old child.
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