Dear Patricia...

It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ~K.T. Jong


After returning home from a visit at my sons house I started questioning everything...I started getting into my "flight" mode...I could feel it just under the surface of my skin...why? Everything was going along so perfectly. And then it was brought to my attention by my Doctor..."you have no road map...you have nothing to compare what is going on to...you are raking up a lot of unresolved issues with yourself...you haven't let go of the guilt you have placed on yourself...this is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"...

You know yourself better than anyone...get quiet with yourself and start to figure it out. You are not going to ever leave him again...and he knows that. He wants you in his life and you know that...be gentle with yourself.

Up until now I had no problem being vulnerable with my son especially when I wrote letters to him...but I was having a difficult time when we were together. I think the full impact of having him in my life had finally hit me, this Christmas holiday... It was bringing up emotional responses from deep within...

"I have to make up for all the lost time"..."I have to show him that I am a good woman"..."I have to see him and talk to him in order to make sure he understands"..."I need for him to forgive me"..."I want to be totally connected"..."when will I see him again"..."does he truly understand that I love him"...along with so many more...

These thoughts and feelings were stopping me in my tracks...they were making me feel sad and depressed...they were bringing back so many feelings from 1969 that I had buried...and yet, I knew I had not buried all of them because they have played such a major part in my life. They had not manifested them self in the way where I could say...Yes, I feel like this because of the adoption...but rather they were sneaky, showing up when I had no idea why. I had a fear of driving at night time... I suffered from anxiety attacks...and depression. I let people only get so close to me even if I loved them...I was quiet with my feelings, afraid most would not understand them...I could be loud when I wanted to make sure I was being heard...I was my own worst enemy at times, and would self sabotage myself at many turns...I had a lack of confidence...If you asked any of my friends if these things were true, they would probably say "who are you talking about? She is not like that at all." But I knew I was...I knew what I hid and what I exposed...

I was keeping myself from sharing these feelings with him because I did not want to appear needy...pushy...or feel like I was asking to much of him and his family...but that is how I was feeling. The one thing that kept coming up for me was that I was feeling insecure.

This relationship was so much different than the relationship I have with the children I raised. I am so accustomed to talking to my daughter and son...I talk to my son every day (he lives with me, moving in after my husband passed away) and I talk with my daughter at least 3 times a week if not more and I see her at least once a week...my grand son sleeps over night quite often...all of these facts made me feel as if I should be spending as much time as possible with my son and his family...I had to remind my self that I have had the luxury of knowing my daughter for 40 years...and my son for 38...and yet, with my oldest son, I have had less than a year. I have nothing to base what I say or do on...there is no past history for me to rely on. With my other children I know what to say and do...I know what their reaction will be to most situations...we accept each other...we know each other...we feel safe and secure with each other.

Our reuniting had powerfully touched my life. It was opening so many previous locked doors. I was discovering insights about who I am and the forces that shaped me. How much losing him had truly affected my life, and the way I dealt with different things. As I delved into my soul...I began to understand how the past had influenced me....and it was now time to empower myself by embracing those aspects of my self that add value to my life and forgive and rid my self from those that did not. Not an easy task to be that honest with yourself...not an easy task to figure out how to do... I wondered if my son went through some of these different emotions...learning about the traits that define you...exploring new answers to your personal truths...letting go of thoughts that no longer serve you...I wondered how he juggled emotionally having two mothers in his life...two separate and different families. (he believes he is a lucky man to have so many of us in his life, and he knows that we all love him.)

We were making it up as we went along....I did not want to cross any lines...to much...to soon...or to fast. I know that I have not been there for him in the past, but I will always be there for him now.

And then a card came...he sent it to me the day after I left...one of our favorite hoop and yoyo talking cards..."hey, I'm thinking about you! are you thinking about me?  most likely you are! but are you thinking about me thinking about you? or are you just thinking about me? either way...it's all good!"

He wrote a short note inside...

"Yesterday you left on a trip back home...it is the reverse of my life's journey so far. Though you are not physically here please know you are always with me and you always have been. Parting is just an opportunity to have adventures that we will share with one another later. An opportunity for growth. The thought of you is a new lens through which I view the world and the images are perfect. I love you."

BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE...my heart smiled!

I decided it was truly time to grow with each new day with the gratitude of life...I would have to remind myself to be humble every day...I think of my son...I think of the extraordinary year that we are having and I am filled with joy from the memories we are making...memories that I would now have forever. I decided that it was time to stop questioning myself...it was time to let the past go and start to be ever present to the here and the now...it was time...and I would take it one moment...one hour...one day at a time...I decided that I was "good enough" to have him in my life...I decided that the belief that I had about myself that I was "bad" was totally untrue...I decided that neither of us was going to "abandon" the other...(but could I keep these positive thoughts?)

and that Love...love was the only thing that ever mattered...