Myth vs Fact #2

MYTH:  "Your life will go on and you will FORGET this happened."


What I know now:

Separating a child and their Mother is an unnatural act. A newborn baby does need the sound of his Mother's voice...her heart beat...her smell to comfort them. That it is a bond they have had since the moment of conception.

That loving your child does not have to mean losing your child. That I was not undeserving because I was not married in 1969. That this other couple was not more deserving because they were married. That this other couple was not more deserving because they could not have children of their own and certainly I could. That I was not a failure because no one gave me the hope of even caring for my child.

Once the adoption took place the secrets and lies really crept in.

I was not allowed to talk about it because it "was over". That being praised for being brave and wonderful for my selfless act made me a loving Mother was so far from the truth in my heart. That on that November day I lost a vital part of myself.

It has taken me 46 years to try to reclaim my self worth and say that this traumatic loss damaged so much of who I was. That for 43 years that loss was still felt in my heart. That my reality of that loss caused me to lock out so much of what life had to offer me. That my self worth was so low and I felt so underserving of anything good that I would cause problems where none existed just to prove myself right.

That I suffered a tremendous loss...and that the contradiction of "I gave you up because I loved you" makes no sense to me...and the grief that I carried has lasted a life time. That if that is what love is then I want no part of it now. That on a good day if I could go back to that moment when I was told that loving my child meant losing my child I would scream at the top of my lungs that they were wrong I would. That the illusion of separating the two of us was so wrong.

Giving your child up for adoption when that is not what you really want is pure heart ache. There is not a sliver of truth that I was not good enough for my child. My heart was broken and my arms were empty. I placed my child in the arms of strangers to him and that caused me great loss, grief and pain that never went away...and I will NEVER,EVER FORGET!

But I can not go back...and I have to heal and find the silver linings...

Myth vs Fact #2

Myth:  "Your life will go on and you will FORGET this happened"




Dear Patricia...

Dear Patricia...

You were led to believe that you were not capable of taking care of your baby because you were not capable of taking care of yourself. Where would the money come from to take care of a baby? How would you support the two of you? Where would you live? A baby needs two parents.

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO?

The only logical and sensible thing to do was to place the baby up for adoption. It was the most loving and unselfish thing to do...To give your child to a couple who would raise that child in a loving home with two parents. A couple who would give him EVERYTHING that you could not. A couple who was waiting with "open arms" to adore this baby. A couple who could not have children so you would be giving them the precious gift of life.

WHAT DID THAT ALL MEAN TO YOU?

The emotions that I felt were that I was not "good enough" to love my child. That I did not "adore" my child unless I gave him up for adoption. That I was/ I would be "selfish" even to consider keeping him. That someone other than myself was "better" able to take care of him than I was.

That is what I heard in my head....that is what my emotions were telling me...that is what I believed. That is what repeated itself over and over again.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

I made a logical and sensible decision. I made a promise to another couple,  that I did not feel I could go back on. Why would I hurt so many others...my child...the couple...my parents with a choice of voicing my emotions of wanting to keep my child? Would a "good girl" do that? Would a loving Mother intentionally set their child up to live a "less than" life.

WHAT HAVE YOU FINALLY DISCOVERED?

I WAS GOOD ENOUGH!
That the logical and sensible decision caused great damage to me. That I held onto " not trusting" anyone. That I withheld my love to a certain extent because I was afraid of being that hurt ever again. That I raised 2 other children by myself alone for 10 years and managed. That life is not always perfect but you can be happy. That you cannot go backwards and change anything even if you would like to with the knowledge that you now have. That reunion is a difficult and yet rewarding time. And that you have to love your self...really love your self in order to heal. That no matter what...life goes on....and no matter what has happened you can heal your heart with that love. 

Fact vs Myth # 1

MYTH: "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

Beginning again...

 
Just Begin…Again

The most Sacred Place dwells within our Heart

Where Dreams are born and Secrets sleep

A mystical refuge of Darkness and Light

Fear and Conquest

Adventure and Discovery

Challenge and Transformation

Our Heart speaks for our Soul

Every moment while we are alive

Listen…as the whispering beat repeats

Be…gin Be…gin Be…gin

It’s really that simple

Just Begin Again

…Royce Addington…

  
 
 

Putting the pieces back together...



There are myths and there are facts,,,

In order to move forward you have to unravel them...
to move forward and put your pieces back together...
to move forward to free yourself...
to move forward to once again find all of your love
all of your compassion...
all of your affection...
all of your affirmation...
all of your validation...
all of your success...
all of your abundance...

Finding and realizing your own truth is the beginning of healing your soul.

The beginning of myths vs facts...

I have spent to many years looking for something...searching for what I felt was lost to me...I suppose there is really nothing wrong with this because it has brought me to the space I am in now and I realize that the absence of my son was something that I need to come to terms with. What I am finding out is that all along it has been less about the absence and more about healing my heart.

I know that I carry within me everything that I need to know and yet I have not allowed myself to use that knowledge over the years...that by always being sad about that absence I allowed myself to stay in the sadness. And that in order to evolve forward now I must heal myself. It was not my son that could heal me.

This is a journey...that I have reached on my path where I realize that getting what I wanted made me happy...losing it again has made that happiness pass and now I must find the joy that is within.

So where do I turn now? I am looking within...I am going over my self made myths and turning them into facts...




How "perfect" is anyone?

Today, I am wondering just how "perfect" any of us thinks we are...and what would make anyone think they are perfect?

Within the past 6 months questions have risen in my life that question who I really am...not questions I have been asking...but questions from another...and it has caused me to wonder if anyone can live up to another's standards...Is anyone or anything perfect?  and what makes us believe that our answer is the right answer for someone else? Do we really have any right to tell someone else how they should act or respond? How they must do things in order to fit into our world...and if they do not live up to our standards of perfection than they can not be a part of our life...

We have all done things that may have hurt others...most of the time it is done unintentionally...but if we are not made aware of it at the time we cannot explain or apologize for something that hurt someone else...and when you hold on to that you begin only to look at the negative that is going on around you...is anyone so "perfect" that they can truly tell another how to act...how to talk...what to do...or how to do it???

This "perfection" is teaching me a great deal...I know that I cannot live up to anyone's standards...and no one can promise that they will do everything right according to another...we each must follow our own path...

I know more now about myself than I use to...I have more strength and courage than I have had in more than 45 years...I know I have made mistakes along this path...but I am finally allowed myself to learn from my patterns...and I realize that some things that may be hurting me at the moment will eventually turn themselves around...That there will be losses in my life but if I allow myself time to grieve them I will be left with the joy of the memories...everything that happens in our life helps us to grow...

I know I will get through all of this and be stronger and wiser than before...and I know that nothing in life is perfect...and certainly I hope to always be a work in progress...learning as I go along...and loving the best way that I can...

So...how perfect are you?

HER response...

Pattie,

Your son received your letter at work.
He has not opened it.
Your choices in regard to our family for nearly 2 years have been increasingly unloving and disrespectful towards myself, the children and my marriage and subsequently your son.

I had hoped that you might make other choices once you had been made aware of the hurt you were causing. Your son tried to encourage you to do that delicately. Your verbal responses were beautiful, but your actions did not change. I tried to speak to you clearly and firmly. You dismissed what I wrote. You have continued to make hurtful and disrespectful choices, like writing to your son at work for instance.

It would seem that our relationship is at its end.


I have to say that I have been curious as to WHY my son does not respond...his wife is always answering for him...

So this is the end...and I must learn once again to live my life without my son in it. A much different situation now that I know him...a much different heart ache...

How do you forgive?

We each have our own opinion on what forgiveness means to us...I was taught to "forgive and forget". As an adult I am not sure if we can all do this...because as adults it becomes more about ego...more about who did what and why...Forgiveness is sometimes a very difficult thing to do. And yet, we have all read stories about how someone forgave an unspeakable crime. I wonder, why is it that we hold on to those things that we said we forgave someone for? Why is it that most people say, "I will forgive them if they repent"? Why is it that most of us put strings and conditions on our forgiveness?

According to the dictionary forgiveness is: the act of forgiving, meaning to cease to blame someone or something, grant pardon for a wrong doing, free from penalty, or cease to feel resentment against someone or something for a wrong committed.
 
For me, forgiveness is about releasing...releasing pain, real or imaginary...that I feel was caused by an action...a person...myself...releasing resentment...forgiving without having strings attached...forgiving from my heart...
 
Forgiveness is something that I do in order to heal...I am not a religious person...I am a spiritual person...and I tend not to hold onto words that have been spoken that may have hurt me when I heard them...because they hurt my ego...they did not hurt me...the me that resides in my heart...the true me...
 
Many spiritual leaders believe that forgiveness goes beyond the level of acceptance to a level of unconditional love...
 
Deepak Chopra in his book, The Deeper Wound:

“Forgiveness belongs to the heart.  You can understand its value, you can believe that it is moral, good, upright and righteous to forgive – but if you don’t feel it, forgiveness is forced.  Countless times you have needed forgiveness and countless times you have offered it to someone else.  The mantle of who is right and who is wronged gets passed around in a circle.  When you cannot find in yourself the purity of forgiveness, ask to feel more than you feel.  Spirit won’t give you new and better reasons to forgive someone.  It will show you another way"


How do you forgive?

Do you do so unconditionally? Do you add strings? Do you make the person jump through a hoop of fire? Do you forgive and forget? Do you forgive because that is what your heart says to do?

Proposition...Ultimatum...or LOVE?

Waiting for a reply...hoping for a reply of some sort I had all sorts of questions running around in my head and I had to come to some answers for myself...


Several lines in the email I received from my son's wife did not seem to go hand in hand...

" It is an all or nothing proposition"..."We would like to move past this...you will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not".(plus the other things that I had to do on the list)
What is the difference between a proposition and an ultimatum?

Here are the meanings according to Merriam-Webster's dictionary:

Proposition: Anything stated or affirmed for discussion or illustration. The act of offering or suggesting something to be considered, accepted, adopted or done.

Ultimatum: A final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.

So lets say you believe that someone has done you wrong...but you say you want to make things right...Do you offer up a proposition or an ultimatum? Or better yet, do you open your heart in the name of love? Our perception of any given event is usually different from someone else...how do you defend yourself when you did not do what they believe or are saying you did...

Do you tell them if they do ABC than they can still be in your life and get back in your good graces? Do you tell them that if they don't do ABC than they cannot? Do you tell them that it is an all or nothing proposition?

Or is that an ultimatum?

Would you feel you are a winner if the person does the ABC? Would you feel that they lose if they don't?

Love: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

As for me...

I choose LOVE...because LOVE always wins!

communication...

How do I really go about addressing this email? I have gone through many emotional responses from crying to finally letting go of the words that have been written...I could take each line of this email and the letter sent in December and give my own version of the statements...for there are always two sides to every conversation...and thus when retelling or recalling things get mixed up on both sides...and when things are not addressed at the time then they usually get bigger....words are taken out of context...and suddenly things are never what they were in the beginning...my  heart know that the outcome is going to be the same whether I give my version or not...so my heart is letting go of the words.

The one thing I will address is: "you must return what you have taken. We all make mistakes. We all do unkind thing. We can all be forgiven, but not without being sorry and making up for it. We cannot trust you again until you have returned my things." "You will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not."

I did not take anything. I find no reason that anyone would believe that I would. There are people who have known me for 10 to 50 years...I have not only been in their presence but I have been to their homes on countless occasions...and never has it been suggested that I took anything from their homes...If I am accused of being a thief than why have I not stolen from anyone else? My heart does not need to be forgiven for something I did not do. This goes to the very core of my values...and it hurts me beyond belief that you would think I would do this...I do not believe that stealing is a mistake...but rather it is a deliberate action...and I find no reason for you to believe that my values are that low.

I have been given three things that I must do in order to move forward....

It appears as if I am in a no win situation...I cannot do the main thing that you are asking me, which is to return something I do not have...and it is quite clear that if I do not do this than we cannot move forward...

I believe that in the adoption and reunion process one can be very supportive of a person when they are searching...and they can be excited for the person if they reunite...I also believe that it is life changing for everyone involved....I have found that this has happened with my immediate family here...It has not always been easy for them to accept the relationship that was being formed with all of you...the world that they had always known was changing and most of us fear change. It is very sad that both families will now be disconnected...

Communication is a very large part of relationships...I have said before that if one does not know that something is wrong that one cannot do anything to correct that...waiting for a year and a half to address issues and holding on to hurt feelings for so long only causes resentment and things spin out of control...I believe that I could of been approached at anytime in that time frame to apologize for something that was perceived to be wrong or for words that were said in order to repair or explain myself...

It breaks my heart that all this has transpired...certainly I am not perfect...and I believe that we could all go to different times we felt hurt by something that was said...so I take this moment to once again apologize for any hurt feelings...for any disruption you feel that I have made to your family circle and life....I came into this reunion with an open heart of acceptance and love...that has never changed and it would never change...but I realize from this email that because I cannot send anything back that there will be no future...

I hold on tightly to my silver linings...

I now know my son...I now know parts of the story of his life...I now know his family...I was able to embrace him and tell him that I loved him...I was able to hear him call me Mom and tell me that he loves me...I have many wonderful memories of time spent together as a family which will be the focus of my heart...I have love for all of you...my relationship with my immediate family here is stronger than it has ever been....I am surrounded by unconditional love...and I am at peace...(and nothing can ever change any of these and they can never be taken away from me)

I do not believe that anyone can make us choose who we love...that is a choice we make ourselves...that is our heart...that is our truth...and the love that I hold in my heart for my son and his family will never end....my heart will forever be open to a relationship.

I wish all of you nothing but love...happiness and good health.

From my heart...

Dear Son...

We have gone a long way in a different direction from our first phone call...and my heart grieves about that...I certainly never meant for anyone to feel hurt in anyway...or to disrupt...confuse...or make demands on you or your family.

My heart does not want anyone to hurt...including myself.

I thank you for opening your heart to me...I thank you for sharing your love with me...I thank you for embracing me as your Mom regardless of time and space.

I am enclosing a response to the email that your wife answered for you...she asked that I not respond to it with an e mail...I have chosen to send all of this to you at work, so like the letters I received in December you will be able to read this first.

I read a short story once by Ernest Hemingway, "The Capital of the World". In it he tells about a Spanish Father who wants to reconcile with his son who ran away to Madrid. To find the boy he took out an ad in the newspaper: "Paco, meet me at the hotel at noon on Tuesday. All is forgiven. Love, Papa".

Paco is a very common Spanish name and when the Father goes to the hotel he finds 800 young men named Paco waiting for their Fathers.

What drew them to the hotel? As Hemingway tells it...it was the words. "All is forgiven". The Father did not say..."All will be forgiven IF you do this or that" ... he did not say..."All will be forgiven WHEN you do such and such....He simply says "All is forgiven" with no strings attached.

That is my hope...that one day all will be forgiven in the name of love.

You are a part of me...A part of my heart that was finally unlocked and is beginning to heal...Please know that regardless of time my heart is always open to you...we are no longer a mystery to each other...we have met....we have been found.

I am not leaving you....for you are always with me...just as you always have been. You are my son and time and space can never change that...you can always make the choice to contact me for I will always be here for you.

Remember that you are So Loved...

PS:
I am sorry to see that the kids Birthday checks have not been cashed.
Enclosed you will find a copy of the airline ticket information...It is the only thing that I do have.

(And then I responded to the email that his wife sent...)

A huge blow...

Not addressing this letter seemed to be the only thing to do...

Because one sounds "nasty" when one is trying to defend ones self...and the words that were falling out of my head were negative and did not sound at all like me...So I went within to sort things out...

And then I received an e mail from my son...to say I was a bit fearful about opening it would be an understatement...

Mom:
I have been in the hospital for depression, (a first time for that). Would you please make things right with my wife.

My heart broke for so many reasons....suffering from depression myself I know that he must of swirled down into a dark hole to have to go into the hospital...and yet I still had no idea what sent him there or why...I could only assume that it was the conflict he was feeling between the "choice" that he felt he had to make concerning choosing between his wife and his Mother...but that was only an assumption on my part...

Then my head of course went to "would you please make things right with my wife"...according to the letter she wrote me...My son had "read, approves of, is aware of, is in agreement with everything mentioned"...

If all that was true how could he not see that she had closed every door...every window...that there was no coming back from this situation. I either had to return items, (that I did not take so there was nothing to return) in order to move forward or I would not be allowed to...and I was not allowed to reply with an email...

I sent off an e mail in response that simply read "I am so sorry"...

My head was reeling...my heart was breaking for my son and his family...and myself and my family here...I decided that I would send a letter off to my son at work...wanting him to read it before it might be intercepted...or disregarded...and I would send back the only thing that I did have...a plane ticket to visit in May..

What was I suppose to do now?

When you receive a letter like this many things run through your mind...

1. WTF?
2. Your telling me I stole from you? REALLY?
3. I'm passive-aggressive? REALLY?
4. Why won't my son talk to me?
5. Who put who in the middle?

I was hurt...I was angry...I wrote letters and tore them up...I cried...and talked to people who have known me for a long time to see if any of this was true about me...and memories of stories she told me came flooding back over and over again...things I should of taken as red flags but overlooked...

The one that sticks out the most is  the reason why they do not spend time with his family...

The first holiday I spent with them was Thanksgiving...I asked my son if they got together with his family...I had hoped to meet his parents and brother and sister...He said that they did not anymore, and spent holidays with his wife's family. I asked him why and he answered that he really did not know but there was a distance between his wife and his family...

The next day his wife asked if I had a good conversation with my son during a moment of alone time. I answered that I did but that I did not understand some things, but perhaps it did not matter. She said I could talk to her about anything...So I told her about that part of the conversation...her response was, "He does to know why".  And she told me...

1. They "stole" from them.
2. They treated her badly. They were unkind and mean to her. When they would get together they would not include her in conversations.
3. They treated the kids differently than the other grandchildren.
4. They said they knew him better than she did.

Does any of this sound familiar?????

I reread her email...and reread it and reread it and had to wonder...what was this woman afraid of?

I recalled a time when I was visiting and my son and I ran some errands...it was those few moments when we were actually alone together...we stayed out a little to long and when we got back the house was full of silence and ice...you could cut the tension with a knife...and they went into the bedroom to talk...she came out...and then he came out and said: "You just don't like me spending time with my Mother"...BAM...that sentence hit me in my heart...

Again the difference between her letters and his letters were so opposite...him asking for help...her telling me what it was that I had to do to get back into her good graces...but only if I did the impossible...return things that I never took...

What was I suppose to do? All I wanted to do was to talk to my son and I was told that he did not want me to call him and he would not be calling me...

My heart was breaking...

Dear Patti...

Time passes slowly when you are waiting for a response from someone after you have poured your heart out...Time to become more anxious...time to become more depressed...time to let your inner mean girl spew her venom...

And just when you think all is lost you receive word...but not the words you were hoping for or from the person you hoped would acknowledge you...


Dear Patti,

You are correct in that asking your son to direct you was placing him in the middle. He will not be calling and does not want you to call him. He is not in the middle.

In December, I asked you to not reach out. I asked you to take time to think about what you wanted your relationships to be and think about how to get there. To just think about it for a while. Not communicate. You answered that you would honor my request. Then you did not follow through. I have not opened anything you sent in January. I have not opened them now. Your son and I were not aware of a letter,  nor was I interested in receiving one at that time.

There is always room for relationships to grow and change. Even from seemingly awful places to good ones. There is nothing that is not forgivable. There does, however need to be contrition. There is nowhere we can go without it. I stated this before; you are a beautiful writer. There needs to be congruity between your words and your actions. You have expressed that you do not know what you have done. You need to know so that it does not happen again and so that you can make amends. This is not going to sound nice.

Your son's birthdays became about you. Slowly all visits and first became your anniversary, your special something. You only called your son's cell phone and asked him to call you. You did not ask to speak with the children or me anymore. When I asked to speak with you, the whole conversation would be, " I had to tell my son...I needed to let my son know". Not "I wanted the family to know....I wanted you all to know..." When we were all in your company, your attention was only for your son. If he was around, you were smiles and sunshine. If he was not with us, you would sit and sulk. You make comments indicating that you "weren't used to just sitting around so much". When invited by the littlest grandchild to play, you declined stating that you "didn't feel like playing that game". You did not engage with the children. You stopped being a contribution when visiting and made a point of announcing it. You would talk about the places you took your other grandson in front of the kids, but never suggested going anywhere or doing anything special with them. You make insulting and passive aggressive comments to me. Our last phone conversation was outrageous. If your late husband's mother ever said to you..."You don't know him, I know him. Oh, you don't know how he has been feeling. I've known. He confided in me. You know, he has been questioning a lot of his "life choices" When someone's depressed, there are things that they need to say and they're hard to hear and you're going to have to listen to them" I do not think that you would have tolerated it. Now imagine that she's only known him a few years.

You talk about the time needed to nurture and develop new relationships. All relationships have a beginning. Maybe unusual or special relationships need a little more nurturing and attention? All relationships require nurturing and attention. And nothing takes the place of the passage of time. We cannot cram a lifetime's intimacy into a few years. You very frequently sent your son long letters.  You emailed him almost daily. You want him to co-author a book with you. Your requests of your son's individual time and attention are far more than he and our family can spare. He cannot be your confidant, your partner in your life and you are not his. You say that you understand that, but your actions and requests for attention indicate otherwise.

Lastly is the issue of the things of mine that you have taken. As I said before, anything is forgivable.

We would like to move past this. If we can have a healthy relationship with you, we would like to have you in our lives. If it is a relationship filled with unkindness's, none of us want that anymore. It is an all or nothing proposition. The whole family joyfully, lovingly or no one.

This is what you need to do.

First you must return what you have taken. We all make mistakes. We all do unkind things. We can all be forgiven, but not without being sorry and making up for it. We cannot trust you again until you have returned my things.

Secondly, apologize to your son and me. Explain if you can. Let us know what we can expect from you in the future. Be specific. Be reasonable.

Thirdly, you need to find an appropriate way to apologize to the children. You have hurt them.

We are interested in moving forward with you. If you are as well then this is how it must be done. If you love our family as you say you do, then this is a no-brainer.

Do not reply to this with an email. As before, your son has read, approves of, is aware of, is in agreement with everything mentioned above. You will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not.


What do I do with this letter? This letter that I could not understand...this letter that had my words and actions twisted up in knots...This letter that was to me not a proposition...but rather an ultimatum .






A month of silence...

Dear Son...

It has been a month since this last short e mail that you sent my way…it has been almost 3 months since I last talked with you…I am choosing to write to you today rather than wait to see if I hear from you…right now there is so much fear attached to my voice…fear that my words will be taken the wrong way…fear that I will completely lose you…fear that perhaps I already have…fear that it doesn’t matter what I say because nothing is going to change the situation as it stands now…but these words come from the deepest part of my heart...

I know from the letter that you wrote to me that this has been a difficult time for you emotionally and I now have a better understanding of why…I had no idea of the situation at your house concerning your feelings about having to make a choice... no one gave me the impression that anything was wrong…I had no idea about your wife's feelings toward me…or the extent of your depression. When one is left outside of the loop there is nothing that anyone can do to either correct a wrong or help in any way.

I feel the distance between us at the moment…silence…so this letter is my attempt to bridge the gap by sharing my feelings…there is no blame…there is no regret…the fact is that I wish that we all will still be able to continue forming our relationship…to try to restore balance…to find solutions together that will help mend hurt feelings…to try to maintain a balance of space and togetherness to keep our relationship growing…I hold onto faith that this can happen…I am trying at this moment to do this through communication with this letter… letting go of the silence… and although it feels very uncomfortable for me to do this at the moment and I am fearful because the outcome may be extremely painful... I have made that choice...

I believe that we both know that I am not welcomed in the family circle at the present time. Perhaps that is the reason for the silence…maybe you just don’t know how to tell me this…or you are afraid to tell me…however…right now I am not afraid to write that…I am not afraid to say the following things…for these are the things I am aware of…this is my voice...my feelings... my truth…I do not speak for anyone else...

I am the woman who gave birth to you...nothing more...nothing less...I am not sure at this moment if that can be considered a "Mom"...I am aware that I did not have a role in your life...I am aware that I did not help to mold you into the person that you are today...I am aware that we have no parental bonds...I am aware that our separation was of my own making and that there is no way that I can go back and undo that or make up for that...I am aware that you owe me nothing nor am I entitled to anything... I gave that all up when I placed the responsibility of raising you in your parents arms and hearts...I am aware that reuniting was a miracle, a needle in a haystack of the unknown…I could not of found you before I did, just as you could not find me…everything had to align in the right order and the secrecy that surrounds adoption does not often allow that…

I am aware that we have no history other than that which we have made since we met and that makes up so little of your 45 years…I am aware that although our hearts are connected we have only just begun to form a relationship… we are still strangers to one another…

Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, forming a relationship needs to be given time and attention if it is to fully take root. We are just beginning to establish that…in the now close to 3 years that we have been reunited…we have been in each others presence perhaps 50 days…and connected on the phone and through letters another 60 times or so…Is that a lot in over a thousand days? Is it enough to truly know one another? Perhaps we tried to hard and to fast to make our relationship "normal"...to make those 43 years suddenly disolve and disappear as if they never happened...perhaps we gave no thought to how it would effect anyone else...I do not know...I do know that I felt an urgencey on my part to show you and your family all the love that I could...

I know that every relationship is not a fit…not everyone's personality blends…I know that just because you love someone that does not mean that they must love you back…love is given freely without expecting anything in return…and sometimes that is the reason we get hurt…because we have done everything we felt we could do and yet the feelings were not the same…they were not shared...and you know in your heart that there is nothing that you can do to change the others feelings toward you....you can only accept those feelings and continue to love them from a distance...and make the choice to accept their choices…

Under normal circumstances a relationship between a mother and a son has a long history…we do not have that…so I truly cannot address if there are changes in the type of relationships mothers have with their daughter-in-laws after their sons get married…what I do feel is that we were forming a relationship with each other from the genetic bond that connects our hearts to one another…that allowing our bond to be strong allows the bonds to the family members to be that much stronger…under normal circumstances parental ties and relationships with their children when they marry do change…when they become independent they do change…with each growing year they do change…but we do not have normal circumstances… nor do I consider myself your parent…that is not a title that belongs to me…

Newton’s 3rd law of physics: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction…
So I look to the “silver lining”… I now know that our hearts are connected and that I love you...and I love your family...I now know who you are…and how your life took shape…I know that you have a wonderful family… and I know that you have parents who love you and whom you love...along with siblings…I now am on the road of forgiveness for myself…I am closer to my immediate family with more acceptance and unconditional love…I am on the road to breaking patterns of not feeling “good enough”…all of these “silver linings” are good and positive and healing…

like you,  I need and want you in my life…like you my hope is that you will continue to talk with me…like you I do not want to lose you…and like you my wish is that there is still the possibility to have a happy family life together...or at the very least I will be allowed to continue sending cards and gifts from the outer rim of the family circle...that you and I will be able to talk to each other on holidays and special occassions...

I need your help…

I need you to be honest with me without fear...to speak your truth...to let me know where I fit in your life...or if I fit in your life at all...to let go of the silence and respond in some form to this letter...I am willing to listen and hear what you have to say without hesitation...I am prepared to accept whatever your choice is...
for my wish is now and always has been that you be healthy and happy and surrounded by love…

Know that you are SO LOVED! (you always have been)

Love now and always...

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart).

ee cummings

Time out...

There was no reply to my e mail...

Silence...silence solves nothing. E mails are often misread and I find them somewhat impersonal.

So what am I suppose to do?

The only thing I can do which is wait...wait until someone says it is ok to use my voice...wait until someone says it is ok to use my words...wait until someone says I can speak now...

I am a grown woman and I have been put in "time out"...and there is nothing I can do about it.

And so I check my in box every day...I check my mailbox every day...I check my cell phone and my home phone for messages...

I grow more anxious and depressed every day...

birthday...

On the day of my son's wife's birthday I received an e mail from him...(Jan. 9, 2015)

Mom:

Although you maybe well intentioned, please do not contact my wife at this time. In her letter she asked that of you and I would appreciate that you honor her request.
Love

Again I felt as if I was between a hard place and a rock...If I had not sent a gift would I have been considered " mean, or cruel" or "unkind" for not acknowledging her..

I sent an e mail back...

Son...
Yes...your wife did ask that I not contact her...however she also asked that I think about the letter she had written and then decide what to do with the information. So the contact that I have made was my sincere apology....and I sent the missing Christmas gifts and a birthday gift which is what I would normally do.

I have no idea what it is that I should or should not be doing....but I am gathering that I should not be doing anything at all...I am not sure if that means I am not to have contact with you or with the children. Please let me know if that includes cards and gifts for the kids as their birthdays are coming up....I do not know the ground rules...

I am aware...your only responsibility is to your wife and your children.

Although my heart is breaking, I rejoice in knowing you....I hold your heart in mine...I truly have been blessed to have met you and your family. I will cherish the memories that I hold in my heart and I will hold on to the hope that there will be a "some day" where we may make more.

Know that I love you....I love my grandchildren...I love your wife.

Love does not give up...especially after so many years of separation...so I will hold onto the belief that love with conquer all in time....

Please remember that you are SO LOVED.

To acknowledge or not acknowledge...that is the question...

I was receiving no correspondence of any sort...and I was hurt...confused...and depressed.

My son's wife's birthday was approaching...do I acknowledge it? or do I not?

There are decisions that one must make with their heart...and so I made the choice to send out a card and gift for her birthday along with the missing gifts from Christmas.

My son's wife likes to bake so I choose a French pastry book along with a Madeline pan. The pan was sent from William and Sonoma but I sent the book myself...along with a card with a note inside.

I am sorry that you have carried around so much hurt for such a long time, and that you feel that I am the cause of that hurt. Please know that I have never intentionally set out to hurt you or be disrespectful. I have always held love and respect for you as a person, a wife, and a Mother since our first meeting. That the children have always had my love and devotion as a grandparent since that meeting also.

Words can be our best friend or our worst enemy...and had I known that my choice of words hurt you I would of corrected that without hesitation. I did not know that there was anything wrong between us. I do not want you to continue to feel bad, as your feelings are very important to me...and that you know you can approach me if your feelings are hurt by something I have said or done.

There is no map for the path of reunion....and we are still learning how to navigate the road...my wish is that we can begin to travel down the road again with a new outlook of honesty and trust.

My hope that you will be able to forgive me...I love you...I love the children....I love my son and I will work very hard to show that....and I mean that with all my heart.

I sent everything off so that it would arrive on her birthday...and my heart felt good about doing that.  

Mystery solved...

I did not get a response back from my son...several days later I heard from a friend of mine in Baltimore who had just gotten back from visiting her son in Texas over the holiday...so I sent off this e mail to my son.

Son...

I just got a phone call from my friend in Baltimore...she just returned from Texas where she was spending the holiday with her son and family...she received the box that I sent her and was confused as there were things in there that did not appear to be for her...

A painted box ...with writing on the bottom...to your wife
A painted holder for the dog leash (which I had forgot about on the list I sent you
A box of candy from Sister

She will overnight the items to me to rewrap...when I get them I will immediately send them out.

I had a great many packages and boxes filled with gifts when I went to the UPS Store....and once there they wanted everything that was breakable separated so I had to pull them from the original bags (I tried to put all the gifts in individual bags so that everything was accounted for) I usually pack the boxes myself as you know, but there were to many items that were breakable for me to feel comfortable...so I paid the extra for them to do that for me. Won't be doing that again anytime to soon.

I sent gifts to 3 different addresses that day...and I must of mixed up the bubble wrapped items or UPS mixed them up...either way it was an honest mistake.

Your wife's box was the first one that I made...back in July....and of all the items, at this moment to be missing....I can understand why you might thing it was hurtful...it certainly was not done intentionally...

I am sorry this happened...but at leas the mystery is solved...and the gifts will be on the way...I hope that this will make everyone feel better...I try very hard to be even all the way around with gifts...and I know we talked about how I was making something for everyone...which I did with love.

I would appreciate it if you wrote me back so that I know you understand.

XO
Mom

Confused...

What to do? 

What do you do when your heart tells you one thing and your brain tells you something else?

I received no word of thank you for all the Christmas gifts...I received no card or gift in the mail. No other family member here did either...Until January 1st when I received an e mail from my son...

Mom:

Thank you for all the wonderful and thoughtful and creative gifts. It is the thoughtfulness particularly that confuses me when I consider that my wife was left out of it. You were wonderful and beautiful in your work for all of us except my wife.

I know you owe us nothing but the omission seems intentionally hurtful and not warranted or acceptable.

It made me sad.

Love

I sat reading this note and was confused ...sad...and upset. I had sent handmade items for everyone and purchased gifts from my heart...Where did I go wrong? Or could I just not do anything right in their eyes anymore.
I waited my usual 24 hours to answer...allowing myself to collect my thoughts and not respond with any kind of disappointment.

Dear Son...
Please explain what you mean by me being intentionally hurtful and not warranted or acceptable....I am at a loss as to what I could of possibly done.

Here is a list of the gifts for the family:

Oldest grand-daughter: Framed beaded cross stitch, candle and bird ornament.
Grandson: Pants and lego man t shirt, hand painted clock and hand made mitten ornament with money.
Youngest grand-daughter: pants and top, necklace and handmade coloring book, bird ornament.
Wife: sweater/top, candle and candle holder, hand painted box and hand made bird cross stitch ornament, magazine subscription
You: hand painted box, journal and pen, book (no ornament)

Family gifts:

Candy from sister
card and movie pass from great grandmother
gifts for all from aunt (my sister)
Gifts for all from nephew/cousin
Breakfast bacon tin from brother

Wife's family
Box of candy and cross stitched ornament from me.

XO
Mom




Christmas...

It was Christmas...I was invited to stay over night at my daughters house to be there in the morning to watch my grandson open up his gifts...I was extremely grateful for this because being alone on Christmas morning is not a pleasant time for me since my husband passed...and this year especially because of what was going on with my son and his family.

I am not attached to my cell phone. Still an "old school" kind of girl in my packing I did not bring it with me.

The morning was delightful. Watching my grandson rip open paper. This was the year that he was on the edge about Santa...is he real? is he not? and so we made a big deal out of it and tried very hard to get the best things he had on his list.

But there was an underlying sadness for me...what were my son and family doing? Did they like the gifts that I had made and purchased?

I returned home in the late afternoon to a voice mail both on my home phone and my cell phone from my son. A soft spoken message that said Merry Christmas...that he was thinking of me...that he loved me and that they would be leaving soon to go to church and then to his wife's parents house. (They no longer spent holidays with his parents or family, and had not for several years)

Even though I knew that they were not home I called and left a message for them...MERRY CHRISTMAS...thinking of everyone and sending love.

I went on the computer and there was an e-mail from the night before:

Mom:
Thank you for writing back to me.  I still feel scared.
I should have said something much earlier.  By not saying anything, nothing was addressed and feelings were hurt and that hurt was compounded with time.  I am sorry for that.
I do know that my wife has felt very hurt as a result of things that you have said.
I want our relationship, the one between you and me, as well as the one with you and our family, to grow stronger.
I love you dearly.  I am afraid of losing you.
I hope it will be alright to call you tomorrow.
Love your son
 
I sent a return mail in the afternoon of Christmas day:
 
 
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL…
Rejoice and enjoy your friends and family… they are all that matter… 
Sorry that I missed your call…after I got home from my daughter's house and the flurry of Christmas and food…I decided to relax in a warm tub and then went out for a walk…the weather is beautiful here today…one would think of it as late autumn or early spring…
 
If your wife has been hurt by things that I have said over the past year and a half I am sorry…I wish that I had known at the time so that things could of been different, especially now during the holiday…but we can not go back…we can only go forward…
 
If the children have felt slighted by me… than again I will say that I was not aware of it. When we talked early this year it was agreed that I would not talk to your son about my grandson here and our lego collection and I believe I honored that…I am not sure what I have done to either of your daughters. And I can only say that I have held nothing but love for them since our first meeting….They are my grandchildren…
 
Don’t feel scared…I am your Mom…long lost…but none the less your Mom (at least one of your Mom’s). I remember telling you after we first met that I would never leave you again…and that came directly from my heart…You will not lose me…I will continue to do what I do…I will continue to send cards…and goodies…and gifts…for everyone…we will continue to talk and be part of each others lives. Certainly I am aware that the situation has changed and that things will no longer be as they once were and I have to be OK with that…
 
I am proud…happy and honored to know my son and his family.
 
You are SO LOVED!
Mom
 

Response to my son's letter...

December 23
 
Dear Son...
I am so sorry that you feel that you have to make a choice…
 
I believe your wife stated it best..."You are not entitled to anything and you are not owed anything"... " You gave that up....You cannot go back"...I am very much aware of that and I always have been... certainly I know that your wife and the children are your life...as they should be. I have always felt blessed to be part of that life…

I do not know you as well as your wife does...as well as your children do...as well as your Mom and Dad do...Your siblings ...Your wife's  family...your friends....clearly anyone in your life. I truly regret that your wife feels that is what my behavior and actions have expressed...I do know depression and I am aware of how it effects those we love...I have never meant for her to take anything I said either as disrespectful...insulting or inappropriate...because certainly it was never thought of in that way at all...I will respect her wishes and not contact her…I will respect her wishes and not put any stress or drama in your lives…I wish only the best for all of you…

It truly hurts me to know that your or you think that I would take jewelry or anything for that matter from your home…It is not in my nature to do anything like that…

I wrote you a letter earlier this year where I declared my loyalty and devotion to you and your family...where I openly made the promises of a parent and grandparent to let you know that I can be relied on to do what I say I will do...to let you know that I will always be here for you and your family...and that you can put faith in me and confidence that I will always keep that promise...

I don't believe I can do much more than that right now…we all have the opportunity every day to go and create more of what our heart feels is missing…It may not be in the same circumstances or situations….but we can always have more love and experiences in our life. We can always make more memories…we can always create what we are waiting for…I hold on to the thought that better days are still ahead

You are SO LOVED...(as is your wife and children...oh yes, and the dog!)
Mom




HURT...

What do I do with these two letters...One written from the heart...the other written from anger.

The first thing I did was sent my son a text: I did not take anything from anyone. That is called stealing and I do not do that.

To which I received no response...

It was several days before Christmas (the 20th)...I knew my packages had arrived at there house when I received an e mail from my son...
This man was deep into depression and his two letters sounded so much different than her letter...how could they be so different??

Mom

I am glad to report that school is out. Two weeks of no school and most likely no tutoring too. That's equivalent to one fifth of summer vacation. Makes it sound so long when I say it that way.
Yesterday I took the youngest daughter to school with me. I was glad to do something for her that she has been looking forward to. At the same time it reminds me of teaching religion. I also like working with the two kids but I worry before every class...can I pull this off. I wonder if my colleagues think it is appropriate for me to bring my daughter to school? I try to keep us out of the office so that the adults can have their space. I like the office to be student free generally. That way we don't have to watch what we are saying so carefully and I can put my feet up on the desk and close my eyes if need be.

I have noticed these past few months that you have been making great efforts to reach out to my wife and children. It is very important to me and I thank you for doing that. I know you love me. I thank you for helping them to know that you love them too.

There are no plans yet as to what we will do over this Christmas break. I want to take care of gift giving right away. With work and tutoring I have been unable to focus on making the things I want to make for those I love. I am hoping you will excuse the late arrival of your Christmas packages.

I have been adjusting my medication of late. I tried to cut back on the Abilify, but that didn't seem to work so well. When I get depressed I usually have one of tow experiences. Typically I either want to sleep because I want to get away from the world. I feel I have no control except to sleep. Or I just become detached and I just wish I wasn't alive. The latter is almost an automatic way of being. I can be going through just a regular day and several times during that day I will find myself thinking that it would be just as well, perhaps easier, if I were dead. I don't usually plan out any methods in the latter case either.

I like the film Shawshank Redemption. Of course there is the issue of picturing guards as villains and prisoners as saintly, but aside from that the film has moved me. There is this one theme of choice. Who knew I would attach myself to that one eh? The choice to live or die. Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. Maybe I don't know how to live. Maybe I'm afraid of living. What if I fail? I don't know. It's ne of the things I'm seeing the therapist about. I gotta choose a path and start down it. I don't want to go another 40 years and feel the entire time like I should have. If I'm staying around I really have to choose it.

I will call you in the next day or so. I do miss you. I worry sometimes that I am insufficient and that you will be angry with me and that you will not want me in your life.

Please be patient with me.

Love,
Your Son

to my son's wife...

The more I read her letter the more I had a hard time with it...who was she talking about? This was not me...I reread the letter I had sent to her after breaking down when I did not go for his birthday, and after finding out how deep into depression he was...trying to see what she misunderstood...


To my son's wife...

After talking with my son last time I have decided to try to put into words some of my feelings. He asked me if I was upset with you...of course not...you did not cause or contribute to anything that is happening...My son had nothing but wonderful things to say about how supportive you have been over these months/years dealing with his depression....and I know that it is difficult to maintain a household and be supportive of our loved one when they are going through such a hard time....it is a role that is perhaps the most difficult one to deal with.

As I explained to my son...I had the gut feeling that I needed to take away the anxious feeling that I know he was going through but also what I heard in your voice....I knew that things were difficult there but I did not realize the extent of the difficulties and the pain it was causing everyone...and although I knew that my son's phone call was to tell me that the trip was postponed my emotions took over....43 years of emotional response to not spending his birthday with him...43 years of pain washed over me in a moment without me being able to stop it...

Pain comes and it goes...it is just one component to the grand cycle of life...and I know that pain can serve as an important teacher...(don't touch the pan it is hot and you will get burned is a simple lesson to learn) But when I get stuck in the pain surrounding adoption it becomes detrimental to my well being...my growth...my development...but this pain is deeply engrained in me...and at that moment I felt exactly like I did every November for 43 years....I also felt an overwhelming sadness that my son was going through such a difficult time...that you and the children were also going through your pain...and it was later that day after making an emergency call to my Dr. and going to see him when I realized that I was closing off....I was heavy hearted...I was stuck in the pain....the familiar pain of not being able to celebrate his birthday...but also the unfamiliar pain for the deep feelings I have for him and you and the children.

We can get stuck in our pain for many reasons...As a child it was natural for me to cry...throw a tantrum...stomp my feet...by feeling the pain in this way my emotions washed me....leaving me open and available to new experiences. With age I determined that expressing emotion was no longer appropriate, and I developed a variety of coping strategies to deal with my discomfort....I learned to stuff my feelings down...I learned the art of flight or fight...I learned that staying closed and unwilling would keep me safe from heartbreak....safe from rejection...safe from feeling like a failure...but because I continue to hold onto the pain it would rear its ugly head and put me into a depression spin.

What  I have noticed now being in reunion 2.5 years is that continually connecting wit the same familiar patterns of pain hurts me even more....I am only now really beginning to learn to let go of the hurt....and they are difficult patterns to break....but I am working on it....

I waited for 43 years to have my son in my life...and what a blessing I have received and a huge bonus besides...I get you and the children to love also and my heart is full...

Certainly if it was within my power to take away the pain that you all feel I would....certainly if it were within my power to live closer and be more actively present in your lives I would...certainly if it was within my power to fix things that are broken I would...but I know that I can not do that.

What I can do is be supportive...to be present to the needs that you have as a family...to be part of that family....to let you know that my love extends beyond my son and my heart is part of the family unit...to be grateful that we have this relationship and to allow it to unfold without urgency...to show my love for all of you every day regardless of distance...to be known and to know...to love and be loved.

Holding your heart close...wrapping my love around all of you.

December 2014

Dear Pattie

Yes, I am very upset with you and I have reached my limits of patience and understanding.

I am going to try to be very clear.

You are an excellent story teller and writer Pattie. Much of your letter reads to me as story. You are entitled to tell yourself any stories about your life that you like. I think we all make up stories of our lives; tragic and wonderful and rewrite them constantly. Given my current domestic climate however, I can think of no good reason for you to be asking for my attention to the story of Pattie right now. But you wanted my attention, so here it is.

You did not wait 43 years to celebrate your son's birthday. You had it within your power to find him for decades before that. You looked for him, found him and contacted him exactly when you were ready to. And that is fine. You made all of the choices that brought you to that place. You were living your life. You got married, had babies, divorced, raised your children, got married again to the love of your life...But there is no more suffering in that story than in anyone else's and certainly lots of joy. We are all more (story) than meets the eye. Please realize that that is true of everyone else as well as yourself.

I do not know you as the person that you describe as having learned to stuff her feelings down. I know you as the child that has outbursts and tantrums when things do not go your way. It does not appear to be about self-expression. It appears to be about getting...I find this behavior manipulative.

You are not entitled to anything and you are not owed anything. I think one of the toughest things for any mother is letting go of her children and seeing them become their more and more independent selves and less in need of "mothering". By the time they are in their 20's, the most hands on part of the job is long over. Your son is 45 years old. He has told you he had a wonderful childhood and that he has wonderful parents that he loves. His commitment as a husband and father is a testament to that. Now he has a family of his own. Our parents do not continue to take the priority role in our lives that they did when we were young children. That is human nature.

And that is what you gave up. That and all the responsibilities that go with it. You cannot go back. For the first year of us all knowing each other, you showed what seemed to be, genuine interest in the whole family. For the last year and a half you have not. You can write how much you love us all, you can say it over and over, but that is not what your actions and behavior have expressed. You have made it clear that your interest is , almost exclusively, in your son.  When your son is not around, more and more you have tended towards disinterest, sulking, being passive-aggressive, unkind and even mean at times. Each child has come to me and expressed their own version of this experience. The information was not solicited. We have all experienced it.

Please do not use the phrase with me, "Oh you just don't know. You just don't know. I know, oh I know in regards to your son. You have used it several times. It is insulting and inappropriate. Also, do not thank me for the care of my family. It is not your place.

You have been in our lives for 2 1/2 years. I have tried to give you a great deal of time and space to work out your stuff. I will not choose that anymore. What our relationship becomes in the future will depend, in part, on what you choose to do with this information. It is more difficult to repair damage done than create a healthy relationship from the start, but I believe it is possible. For the time being, I do not want to hear from you. I would like you to think about it for a while. Then decide who you are going to be, how you might try to repair the damage done, and if you even want to. Please understand however, that you are not my priority.

Your son is aware that I am writing this letter. He is aware of it's content. I'm trying to keep life a little simpler and a little less stressful right now. A good start for you would be to respect my requests and not create further stress and drama.

I read this letter...I read it again and again...Little of this made any sense to me...the one thing I felt was that fact that I had place my son for adoption was being thrown back in my face...and my emotions were out of control with grief...

Please read 1st

                                                                                         December 2014


Dear Mom

I am writing now but I am afraid. I am scared that you will be upset with me and our family. But I am writing because I do love you and do want us to have a great and happy life together.

Over the past year my wife has spoken to me about her interactions with you and those she has observed of you and the children. She has felt that you have been "mean" to her. She has said that on several occasions you seemed to be making "digs" at her. Her concern is also that there is too much focus on you and me and not the rest of the family.

I don't know. It has been very stressful to feel like I must choose between my wife and my mother. At least that is how I have felt, and the reason I have not said anything on this matter. I know I don't have to choose between you both. I know that I love you both and that as John and Paul said "We can work it out"

I need your help.

I need your input when you are upset with me or my wife. I want you to tell me when you feel you need my attention. This has been a tough year. I think, for both of us. I haven't been in contact and sharing as much as you would like. I am sorry for that, I have been feeling rather down. Thinking of choosing between my wife and mother has not been good for me.

Help me please.

I need for my wife to not feel slighted by you. Can you please make her feel loved for and cared by you as though she were your long parted daughter. I need for my wife to know that she knows me best, that she is in tune with me the most, because she is. I need for the children to feel like you love them as much as you love your other grandson. I know you have a different relationship with him than you do with them, because of history and proximity. I just want them to want you around as much as I do. And I need you in my life. And I need my wife and my children. They are my primary relationships. They have to know they come first.

I am including with my letter, a note written by my wife. I think she can state in her own words best how she is feeling. I think adults should talk to one another.

Please continue to talk with me. Please help me have a wonderful family life. Please continue to be part of it. One other matter. Its a tough one. Over the past year and more, pieces of jewelry have been missing from the house and their absences have coincided with your visits. I don't want to think its possible. I don't know what to do if it is. My wife feels it is a "slight" aimed at her specifically.

Do mothers get upset with daughters-in-laws simply because it changes the type of relationship the mothers have with their sons?

I am very nervous.  I am not angry.

I am worried.

I love my wife, my family and my mothers.

Please help me.

Love always,
Your son


This letter broke my heart...First for the pain that my son was in...next for the fact that anyone would feel that they have to choose between people that they love...and because his wife planted a seed that I had taken something from her, which I had not...

I NEED YOUR HELP...were the words that struck me in the middle of my heart...and the only words I could whisper were...I am not sure I can help you...

My heart was racing...and my Doctor was called...I couldn't breathe...I couldn't eat...I couldn't speak because of the words that followed in the letter from his wife...