Dear Patricia...

Dear Patricia...

You were led to believe that you were not capable of taking care of your baby because you were not capable of taking care of yourself. Where would the money come from to take care of a baby? How would you support the two of you? Where would you live? A baby needs two parents.

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO?

The only logical and sensible thing to do was to place the baby up for adoption. It was the most loving and unselfish thing to do...To give your child to a couple who would raise that child in a loving home with two parents. A couple who would give him EVERYTHING that you could not. A couple who was waiting with "open arms" to adore this baby. A couple who could not have children so you would be giving them the precious gift of life.

WHAT DID THAT ALL MEAN TO YOU?

The emotions that I felt were that I was not "good enough" to love my child. That I did not "adore" my child unless I gave him up for adoption. That I was/ I would be "selfish" even to consider keeping him. That someone other than myself was "better" able to take care of him than I was.

That is what I heard in my head....that is what my emotions were telling me...that is what I believed. That is what repeated itself over and over again.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

I made a logical and sensible decision. I made a promise to another couple,  that I did not feel I could go back on. Why would I hurt so many others...my child...the couple...my parents with a choice of voicing my emotions of wanting to keep my child? Would a "good girl" do that? Would a loving Mother intentionally set their child up to live a "less than" life.

WHAT HAVE YOU FINALLY DISCOVERED?

I WAS GOOD ENOUGH!
That the logical and sensible decision caused great damage to me. That I held onto " not trusting" anyone. That I withheld my love to a certain extent because I was afraid of being that hurt ever again. That I raised 2 other children by myself alone for 10 years and managed. That life is not always perfect but you can be happy. That you cannot go backwards and change anything even if you would like to with the knowledge that you now have. That reunion is a difficult and yet rewarding time. And that you have to love your self...really love your self in order to heal. That no matter what...life goes on....and no matter what has happened you can heal your heart with that love.