A month of silence...

Dear Son...

It has been a month since this last short e mail that you sent my way…it has been almost 3 months since I last talked with you…I am choosing to write to you today rather than wait to see if I hear from you…right now there is so much fear attached to my voice…fear that my words will be taken the wrong way…fear that I will completely lose you…fear that perhaps I already have…fear that it doesn’t matter what I say because nothing is going to change the situation as it stands now…but these words come from the deepest part of my heart...

I know from the letter that you wrote to me that this has been a difficult time for you emotionally and I now have a better understanding of why…I had no idea of the situation at your house concerning your feelings about having to make a choice... no one gave me the impression that anything was wrong…I had no idea about your wife's feelings toward me…or the extent of your depression. When one is left outside of the loop there is nothing that anyone can do to either correct a wrong or help in any way.

I feel the distance between us at the moment…silence…so this letter is my attempt to bridge the gap by sharing my feelings…there is no blame…there is no regret…the fact is that I wish that we all will still be able to continue forming our relationship…to try to restore balance…to find solutions together that will help mend hurt feelings…to try to maintain a balance of space and togetherness to keep our relationship growing…I hold onto faith that this can happen…I am trying at this moment to do this through communication with this letter… letting go of the silence… and although it feels very uncomfortable for me to do this at the moment and I am fearful because the outcome may be extremely painful... I have made that choice...

I believe that we both know that I am not welcomed in the family circle at the present time. Perhaps that is the reason for the silence…maybe you just don’t know how to tell me this…or you are afraid to tell me…however…right now I am not afraid to write that…I am not afraid to say the following things…for these are the things I am aware of…this is my voice...my feelings... my truth…I do not speak for anyone else...

I am the woman who gave birth to you...nothing more...nothing less...I am not sure at this moment if that can be considered a "Mom"...I am aware that I did not have a role in your life...I am aware that I did not help to mold you into the person that you are today...I am aware that we have no parental bonds...I am aware that our separation was of my own making and that there is no way that I can go back and undo that or make up for that...I am aware that you owe me nothing nor am I entitled to anything... I gave that all up when I placed the responsibility of raising you in your parents arms and hearts...I am aware that reuniting was a miracle, a needle in a haystack of the unknown…I could not of found you before I did, just as you could not find me…everything had to align in the right order and the secrecy that surrounds adoption does not often allow that…

I am aware that we have no history other than that which we have made since we met and that makes up so little of your 45 years…I am aware that although our hearts are connected we have only just begun to form a relationship… we are still strangers to one another…

Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, forming a relationship needs to be given time and attention if it is to fully take root. We are just beginning to establish that…in the now close to 3 years that we have been reunited…we have been in each others presence perhaps 50 days…and connected on the phone and through letters another 60 times or so…Is that a lot in over a thousand days? Is it enough to truly know one another? Perhaps we tried to hard and to fast to make our relationship "normal"...to make those 43 years suddenly disolve and disappear as if they never happened...perhaps we gave no thought to how it would effect anyone else...I do not know...I do know that I felt an urgencey on my part to show you and your family all the love that I could...

I know that every relationship is not a fit…not everyone's personality blends…I know that just because you love someone that does not mean that they must love you back…love is given freely without expecting anything in return…and sometimes that is the reason we get hurt…because we have done everything we felt we could do and yet the feelings were not the same…they were not shared...and you know in your heart that there is nothing that you can do to change the others feelings toward you....you can only accept those feelings and continue to love them from a distance...and make the choice to accept their choices…

Under normal circumstances a relationship between a mother and a son has a long history…we do not have that…so I truly cannot address if there are changes in the type of relationships mothers have with their daughter-in-laws after their sons get married…what I do feel is that we were forming a relationship with each other from the genetic bond that connects our hearts to one another…that allowing our bond to be strong allows the bonds to the family members to be that much stronger…under normal circumstances parental ties and relationships with their children when they marry do change…when they become independent they do change…with each growing year they do change…but we do not have normal circumstances… nor do I consider myself your parent…that is not a title that belongs to me…

Newton’s 3rd law of physics: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction…
So I look to the “silver lining”… I now know that our hearts are connected and that I love you...and I love your family...I now know who you are…and how your life took shape…I know that you have a wonderful family… and I know that you have parents who love you and whom you love...along with siblings…I now am on the road of forgiveness for myself…I am closer to my immediate family with more acceptance and unconditional love…I am on the road to breaking patterns of not feeling “good enough”…all of these “silver linings” are good and positive and healing…

like you,  I need and want you in my life…like you my hope is that you will continue to talk with me…like you I do not want to lose you…and like you my wish is that there is still the possibility to have a happy family life together...or at the very least I will be allowed to continue sending cards and gifts from the outer rim of the family circle...that you and I will be able to talk to each other on holidays and special occassions...

I need your help…

I need you to be honest with me without fear...to speak your truth...to let me know where I fit in your life...or if I fit in your life at all...to let go of the silence and respond in some form to this letter...I am willing to listen and hear what you have to say without hesitation...I am prepared to accept whatever your choice is...
for my wish is now and always has been that you be healthy and happy and surrounded by love…

Know that you are SO LOVED! (you always have been)

Love now and always...

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart).

ee cummings

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