December 2014

Dear Pattie

Yes, I am very upset with you and I have reached my limits of patience and understanding.

I am going to try to be very clear.

You are an excellent story teller and writer Pattie. Much of your letter reads to me as story. You are entitled to tell yourself any stories about your life that you like. I think we all make up stories of our lives; tragic and wonderful and rewrite them constantly. Given my current domestic climate however, I can think of no good reason for you to be asking for my attention to the story of Pattie right now. But you wanted my attention, so here it is.

You did not wait 43 years to celebrate your son's birthday. You had it within your power to find him for decades before that. You looked for him, found him and contacted him exactly when you were ready to. And that is fine. You made all of the choices that brought you to that place. You were living your life. You got married, had babies, divorced, raised your children, got married again to the love of your life...But there is no more suffering in that story than in anyone else's and certainly lots of joy. We are all more (story) than meets the eye. Please realize that that is true of everyone else as well as yourself.

I do not know you as the person that you describe as having learned to stuff her feelings down. I know you as the child that has outbursts and tantrums when things do not go your way. It does not appear to be about self-expression. It appears to be about getting...I find this behavior manipulative.

You are not entitled to anything and you are not owed anything. I think one of the toughest things for any mother is letting go of her children and seeing them become their more and more independent selves and less in need of "mothering". By the time they are in their 20's, the most hands on part of the job is long over. Your son is 45 years old. He has told you he had a wonderful childhood and that he has wonderful parents that he loves. His commitment as a husband and father is a testament to that. Now he has a family of his own. Our parents do not continue to take the priority role in our lives that they did when we were young children. That is human nature.

And that is what you gave up. That and all the responsibilities that go with it. You cannot go back. For the first year of us all knowing each other, you showed what seemed to be, genuine interest in the whole family. For the last year and a half you have not. You can write how much you love us all, you can say it over and over, but that is not what your actions and behavior have expressed. You have made it clear that your interest is , almost exclusively, in your son.  When your son is not around, more and more you have tended towards disinterest, sulking, being passive-aggressive, unkind and even mean at times. Each child has come to me and expressed their own version of this experience. The information was not solicited. We have all experienced it.

Please do not use the phrase with me, "Oh you just don't know. You just don't know. I know, oh I know in regards to your son. You have used it several times. It is insulting and inappropriate. Also, do not thank me for the care of my family. It is not your place.

You have been in our lives for 2 1/2 years. I have tried to give you a great deal of time and space to work out your stuff. I will not choose that anymore. What our relationship becomes in the future will depend, in part, on what you choose to do with this information. It is more difficult to repair damage done than create a healthy relationship from the start, but I believe it is possible. For the time being, I do not want to hear from you. I would like you to think about it for a while. Then decide who you are going to be, how you might try to repair the damage done, and if you even want to. Please understand however, that you are not my priority.

Your son is aware that I am writing this letter. He is aware of it's content. I'm trying to keep life a little simpler and a little less stressful right now. A good start for you would be to respect my requests and not create further stress and drama.

I read this letter...I read it again and again...Little of this made any sense to me...the one thing I felt was that fact that I had place my son for adoption was being thrown back in my face...and my emotions were out of control with grief...