HURT...

What do I do with these two letters...One written from the heart...the other written from anger.

The first thing I did was sent my son a text: I did not take anything from anyone. That is called stealing and I do not do that.

To which I received no response...

It was several days before Christmas (the 20th)...I knew my packages had arrived at there house when I received an e mail from my son...
This man was deep into depression and his two letters sounded so much different than her letter...how could they be so different??

Mom

I am glad to report that school is out. Two weeks of no school and most likely no tutoring too. That's equivalent to one fifth of summer vacation. Makes it sound so long when I say it that way.
Yesterday I took the youngest daughter to school with me. I was glad to do something for her that she has been looking forward to. At the same time it reminds me of teaching religion. I also like working with the two kids but I worry before every class...can I pull this off. I wonder if my colleagues think it is appropriate for me to bring my daughter to school? I try to keep us out of the office so that the adults can have their space. I like the office to be student free generally. That way we don't have to watch what we are saying so carefully and I can put my feet up on the desk and close my eyes if need be.

I have noticed these past few months that you have been making great efforts to reach out to my wife and children. It is very important to me and I thank you for doing that. I know you love me. I thank you for helping them to know that you love them too.

There are no plans yet as to what we will do over this Christmas break. I want to take care of gift giving right away. With work and tutoring I have been unable to focus on making the things I want to make for those I love. I am hoping you will excuse the late arrival of your Christmas packages.

I have been adjusting my medication of late. I tried to cut back on the Abilify, but that didn't seem to work so well. When I get depressed I usually have one of tow experiences. Typically I either want to sleep because I want to get away from the world. I feel I have no control except to sleep. Or I just become detached and I just wish I wasn't alive. The latter is almost an automatic way of being. I can be going through just a regular day and several times during that day I will find myself thinking that it would be just as well, perhaps easier, if I were dead. I don't usually plan out any methods in the latter case either.

I like the film Shawshank Redemption. Of course there is the issue of picturing guards as villains and prisoners as saintly, but aside from that the film has moved me. There is this one theme of choice. Who knew I would attach myself to that one eh? The choice to live or die. Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. Maybe I don't know how to live. Maybe I'm afraid of living. What if I fail? I don't know. It's ne of the things I'm seeing the therapist about. I gotta choose a path and start down it. I don't want to go another 40 years and feel the entire time like I should have. If I'm staying around I really have to choose it.

I will call you in the next day or so. I do miss you. I worry sometimes that I am insufficient and that you will be angry with me and that you will not want me in your life.

Please be patient with me.

Love,
Your Son