Time passes slowly when you are waiting for a response from someone after you have poured your heart out...Time to become more anxious...time to become more depressed...time to let your inner mean girl spew her venom...
And just when you think all is lost you receive word...but not the words you were hoping for or from the person you hoped would acknowledge you...
Dear Patti,
You are correct in that asking your son to direct you was placing him in the middle. He will not be calling and does not want you to call him. He is not in the middle.
In December, I asked you to not reach out. I asked you to take time to think about what you wanted your relationships to be and think about how to get there. To just think about it for a while. Not communicate. You answered that you would honor my request. Then you did not follow through. I have not opened anything you sent in January. I have not opened them now. Your son and I were not aware of a letter, nor was I interested in receiving one at that time.
There is always room for relationships to grow and change. Even from seemingly awful places to good ones. There is nothing that is not forgivable. There does, however need to be contrition. There is nowhere we can go without it. I stated this before; you are a beautiful writer. There needs to be congruity between your words and your actions. You have expressed that you do not know what you have done. You need to know so that it does not happen again and so that you can make amends. This is not going to sound nice.
Your son's birthdays became about you. Slowly all visits and first became your anniversary, your special something. You only called your son's cell phone and asked him to call you. You did not ask to speak with the children or me anymore. When I asked to speak with you, the whole conversation would be, " I had to tell my son...I needed to let my son know". Not "I wanted the family to know....I wanted you all to know..." When we were all in your company, your attention was only for your son. If he was around, you were smiles and sunshine. If he was not with us, you would sit and sulk. You make comments indicating that you "weren't used to just sitting around so much". When invited by the littlest grandchild to play, you declined stating that you "didn't feel like playing that game". You did not engage with the children. You stopped being a contribution when visiting and made a point of announcing it. You would talk about the places you took your other grandson in front of the kids, but never suggested going anywhere or doing anything special with them. You make insulting and passive aggressive comments to me. Our last phone conversation was outrageous. If your late husband's mother ever said to you..."You don't know him, I know him. Oh, you don't know how he has been feeling. I've known. He confided in me. You know, he has been questioning a lot of his "life choices" When someone's depressed, there are things that they need to say and they're hard to hear and you're going to have to listen to them" I do not think that you would have tolerated it. Now imagine that she's only known him a few years.
You talk about the time needed to nurture and develop new relationships. All relationships have a beginning. Maybe unusual or special relationships need a little more nurturing and attention? All relationships require nurturing and attention. And nothing takes the place of the passage of time. We cannot cram a lifetime's intimacy into a few years. You very frequently sent your son long letters. You emailed him almost daily. You want him to co-author a book with you. Your requests of your son's individual time and attention are far more than he and our family can spare. He cannot be your confidant, your partner in your life and you are not his. You say that you understand that, but your actions and requests for attention indicate otherwise.
Lastly is the issue of the things of mine that you have taken. As I said before, anything is forgivable.
We would like to move past this. If we can have a healthy relationship with you, we would like to have you in our lives. If it is a relationship filled with unkindness's, none of us want that anymore. It is an all or nothing proposition. The whole family joyfully, lovingly or no one.
This is what you need to do.
First you must return what you have taken. We all make mistakes. We all do unkind things. We can all be forgiven, but not without being sorry and making up for it. We cannot trust you again until you have returned my things.
Secondly, apologize to your son and me. Explain if you can. Let us know what we can expect from you in the future. Be specific. Be reasonable.
Thirdly, you need to find an appropriate way to apologize to the children. You have hurt them.
We are interested in moving forward with you. If you are as well then this is how it must be done. If you love our family as you say you do, then this is a no-brainer.
Do not reply to this with an email. As before, your son has read, approves of, is aware of, is in agreement with everything mentioned above. You will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not.
What do I do with this letter? This letter that I could not understand...this letter that had my words and actions twisted up in knots...This letter that was to me not a proposition...but rather an ultimatum .
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