Myth vs Fact #2

MYTH:  "Your life will go on and you will FORGET this happened."


What I know now:

Separating a child and their Mother is an unnatural act. A newborn baby does need the sound of his Mother's voice...her heart beat...her smell to comfort them. That it is a bond they have had since the moment of conception.

That loving your child does not have to mean losing your child. That I was not undeserving because I was not married in 1969. That this other couple was not more deserving because they were married. That this other couple was not more deserving because they could not have children of their own and certainly I could. That I was not a failure because no one gave me the hope of even caring for my child.

Once the adoption took place the secrets and lies really crept in.

I was not allowed to talk about it because it "was over". That being praised for being brave and wonderful for my selfless act made me a loving Mother was so far from the truth in my heart. That on that November day I lost a vital part of myself.

It has taken me 46 years to try to reclaim my self worth and say that this traumatic loss damaged so much of who I was. That for 43 years that loss was still felt in my heart. That my reality of that loss caused me to lock out so much of what life had to offer me. That my self worth was so low and I felt so underserving of anything good that I would cause problems where none existed just to prove myself right.

That I suffered a tremendous loss...and that the contradiction of "I gave you up because I loved you" makes no sense to me...and the grief that I carried has lasted a life time. That if that is what love is then I want no part of it now. That on a good day if I could go back to that moment when I was told that loving my child meant losing my child I would scream at the top of my lungs that they were wrong I would. That the illusion of separating the two of us was so wrong.

Giving your child up for adoption when that is not what you really want is pure heart ache. There is not a sliver of truth that I was not good enough for my child. My heart was broken and my arms were empty. I placed my child in the arms of strangers to him and that caused me great loss, grief and pain that never went away...and I will NEVER,EVER FORGET!

But I can not go back...and I have to heal and find the silver linings...