The more I read her letter the more I had a hard time with it...who was she talking about? This was not me...I reread the letter I had sent to her after breaking down when I did not go for his birthday, and after finding out how deep into depression he was...trying to see what she misunderstood...
To my son's wife...
After talking with my son last time I have decided to try to put into words some of my feelings. He asked me if I was upset with you...of course not...you did not cause or contribute to anything that is happening...My son had nothing but wonderful things to say about how supportive you have been over these months/years dealing with his depression....and I know that it is difficult to maintain a household and be supportive of our loved one when they are going through such a hard time....it is a role that is perhaps the most difficult one to deal with.
As I explained to my son...I had the gut feeling that I needed to take away the anxious feeling that I know he was going through but also what I heard in your voice....I knew that things were difficult there but I did not realize the extent of the difficulties and the pain it was causing everyone...and although I knew that my son's phone call was to tell me that the trip was postponed my emotions took over....43 years of emotional response to not spending his birthday with him...43 years of pain washed over me in a moment without me being able to stop it...
Pain comes and it goes...it is just one component to the grand cycle of life...and I know that pain can serve as an important teacher...(don't touch the pan it is hot and you will get burned is a simple lesson to learn) But when I get stuck in the pain surrounding adoption it becomes detrimental to my well being...my growth...my development...but this pain is deeply engrained in me...and at that moment I felt exactly like I did every November for 43 years....I also felt an overwhelming sadness that my son was going through such a difficult time...that you and the children were also going through your pain...and it was later that day after making an emergency call to my Dr. and going to see him when I realized that I was closing off....I was heavy hearted...I was stuck in the pain....the familiar pain of not being able to celebrate his birthday...but also the unfamiliar pain for the deep feelings I have for him and you and the children.
We can get stuck in our pain for many reasons...As a child it was natural for me to cry...throw a tantrum...stomp my feet...by feeling the pain in this way my emotions washed me....leaving me open and available to new experiences. With age I determined that expressing emotion was no longer appropriate, and I developed a variety of coping strategies to deal with my discomfort....I learned to stuff my feelings down...I learned the art of flight or fight...I learned that staying closed and unwilling would keep me safe from heartbreak....safe from rejection...safe from feeling like a failure...but because I continue to hold onto the pain it would rear its ugly head and put me into a depression spin.
What I have noticed now being in reunion 2.5 years is that continually connecting wit the same familiar patterns of pain hurts me even more....I am only now really beginning to learn to let go of the hurt....and they are difficult patterns to break....but I am working on it....
I waited for 43 years to have my son in my life...and what a blessing I have received and a huge bonus besides...I get you and the children to love also and my heart is full...
Certainly if it was within my power to take away the pain that you all feel I would....certainly if it were within my power to live closer and be more actively present in your lives I would...certainly if it was within my power to fix things that are broken I would...but I know that I can not do that.
What I can do is be supportive...to be present to the needs that you have as a family...to be part of that family....to let you know that my love extends beyond my son and my heart is part of the family unit...to be grateful that we have this relationship and to allow it to unfold without urgency...to show my love for all of you every day regardless of distance...to be known and to know...to love and be loved.
Holding your heart close...wrapping my love around all of you.
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