For years I have been on antidepressants...ups and downs seemed to have been a constant in my life. I have finally gotten off of them...learning how to cope with my thoughts and my wounds that are now turning to scars instead of being totally open.
Suddenly I am finding more of the riches that are in my life and I recognize the growth from the challenges of adoption and loss. Writing has helped and letting go of old baggage has allowed me to honor myself. I have come a long way...and my spirit is feeling whole.
When I first met my son after 43 years I thought that was my full circle. I felt that I would be healed because I finally had him in my life...but I was wrong...after being told that "the relationship had come to an end" was when I realized that the circle was still not full...and that only by forgiveness of myself...forgiveness of others...would life change for me.
I am stronger now than I have ever been...I feel more empowered to face obstacles...I can feel the joy in my life...and I hold the memories of him and my gratitude of meeting him close to my heart.
I am learning how to release the struggles that surrounded adoption and reuniting...and now separation. I still hold on to hope that the separation will one day be healed, but instead of looking at the loss...I am looking on the positive side of knowing him and his family.
I have always been one who looked at experiences as "good" or "bad"...a learned habit I suppose from childhood...but I now see the potential of those experiences to teach me...to help me heal. This has been a painful and challenging time but I am becoming stronger each day and enjoy the moments of now more...rather than projecting myself into the future or dwelling on the past...
Life is full of joy each and every moment of the day...
all I have to do is be aware and SMILE!
gratitude and blessings...
There is a realization that comes when you find peace from within...a realization that each day is a blessing...and that we each have so many things that we can be grateful for. Living in gratitude we can feel everything opening up. The more we appreciate what we have to be grateful for the more blessing we realize.
Even during a day when things don't appear to be going just so...I look around and find a silver lining. It is that silver lining...that small thing found to be grateful for that makes a difficult day suddenly become brighter. Transforming negative into positive in a moment. I so easily have missed that in the past...and it has become important for me to appreciate all that I do have in my life. Everything that has brought me to this new day. Blessings surround me...Love surrounds me.
The gifts that I am grateful for each morning are becoming more and more apparent. Just the act of driving my grandson to school each morning has become a valuable bonding time...and laughter and smiles...Flowers plucked from my gardens to bring into the house brings nature that much closer...and a small stone placed in my hand by my grandson becomes a treasure...
Knowing who my son is even if we do not talk to each other anymore is more information than I had for 42 years...
This gratitude is an energy that stays with me all day...
...and shows me more than my eyes use to see and my heart use to feel...
Even during a day when things don't appear to be going just so...I look around and find a silver lining. It is that silver lining...that small thing found to be grateful for that makes a difficult day suddenly become brighter. Transforming negative into positive in a moment. I so easily have missed that in the past...and it has become important for me to appreciate all that I do have in my life. Everything that has brought me to this new day. Blessings surround me...Love surrounds me.
The gifts that I am grateful for each morning are becoming more and more apparent. Just the act of driving my grandson to school each morning has become a valuable bonding time...and laughter and smiles...Flowers plucked from my gardens to bring into the house brings nature that much closer...and a small stone placed in my hand by my grandson becomes a treasure...
Knowing who my son is even if we do not talk to each other anymore is more information than I had for 42 years...
This gratitude is an energy that stays with me all day...
...and shows me more than my eyes use to see and my heart use to feel...
next phase of life...
I have come to a great many realizations about my life and my relationships this past year. How I have formed some because of my relationship with myself. And what patterns I brought along with me since placing my son for adoption almost 47 years ago.
47 years is a long time to carry around such heavy baggage. At 65 I am now ready and able to put this baggage down. Knowing it is a natural and necessary part of my life in order to move completely forward. I know that meeting my son is allowing me to this. And although the relationship with him no longer exists I am feeling at peace. I am shifting...realizing that there have been many other times in my life that I have also shifted and that it is a natural and necessary part of growth.
So I am saying "good-bye" to that old part of myself... that pattern which was formed in order to deal with my grief and guilt about placing my son for adoption. And it no longer matters that anyone feels that I should of "gotten over this" long before now. My son is part of my heart...he always has been and he always will be. Meeting him has made that all the more real and even though he is not physically in my life I can be at peace with his forgiveness.
The protective shell I built around myself in order to heal is making me feel confined...it no longer feels safe there...and I can no longer survive there. I need to move outside this shell that I felt I needed for so long to protect myself.
I am shedding that shell...and I am making room for my new self to emerge...I am surrendering to this newness that I feel...this rebirth...
I welcome the next phase of my life with an open heart.
47 years is a long time to carry around such heavy baggage. At 65 I am now ready and able to put this baggage down. Knowing it is a natural and necessary part of my life in order to move completely forward. I know that meeting my son is allowing me to this. And although the relationship with him no longer exists I am feeling at peace. I am shifting...realizing that there have been many other times in my life that I have also shifted and that it is a natural and necessary part of growth.
So I am saying "good-bye" to that old part of myself... that pattern which was formed in order to deal with my grief and guilt about placing my son for adoption. And it no longer matters that anyone feels that I should of "gotten over this" long before now. My son is part of my heart...he always has been and he always will be. Meeting him has made that all the more real and even though he is not physically in my life I can be at peace with his forgiveness.
The protective shell I built around myself in order to heal is making me feel confined...it no longer feels safe there...and I can no longer survive there. I need to move outside this shell that I felt I needed for so long to protect myself.
I am shedding that shell...and I am making room for my new self to emerge...I am surrendering to this newness that I feel...this rebirth...
I welcome the next phase of my life with an open heart.
Freedom...
Freedom
She would no longer
stand in the darkness...
The sun and the wind
would now carry her...
carry her to her dreams...
carry her to her feminine...
carry her to her love...
carry her to her heart...
carry her to her freedom.
Transformed...
Transformed
She started out
soft and light
gentle strokes
moving across
the paper.
and when she appeared
she transformed.
changing herself
to bold...beautiful
and strong.
she felt the vibration
of creativity all around her
let go and be wild
she whispered
feel the wings on your shoulders
there is nothing to fear.
Releasing...
I am releasing...releasing my inner conflicts to the universe...rising above...I am learning that I have often tried to control myself ...my emotions...my reactions and really what I am finding is that I can only control my attitude and my behavior ...So I am releasing the negative feelings ...
I remember when my good husband passed...all I wanted to do was be surrounded by his things...I would wear one of his t-shirts to bed at night...sleep on his side of the bed...breathe in the smell of his clothing...hold his picture close to my heart...
Today...after over 5 years since my husband passed I no longer do those things...for I feel him with me almost every day. I see his smile in the smallest of things and know his love...
I remember when I was told that my relationship with my son and his family had come to an end...I took all the things that they had given me and packed them away...I took pictures and placed them in boxes along with letters and cards...
Today...was the first day in almost a year and a half that I let myself open that box...today I revisited the moments of memories...and I placed a picture of my son and me back on my desk and I look up at it now and smile...
I am releasing...I am healing...
I love and I believe I am loved...
ART Heals...
For the gentle little soul
who loved to color...
ART HEALS.
For the heart that needs
to mend...
ART HEALS.
When you question
your ability...
ART HEALS.
When you let your
inside out...
ART HEALS.
Be the woman your
gentle little soul always
knew you were
born to be...
ART HEALS.
ART Heals...
Where am I?
I am in the garden
of my life
I am dreaming
big dreams
I am growing
from the inside out
I am believing
in myself
I am trusting
the process
I am loved
by myself and many
I am content
and happy
I am feeling
whole.
Listening to my heart...
Listening to my heart is sometimes a difficult thing...my mind chatters wildly with the negative.
And yet this year I have been listening and healing...
We all experience some kind of heartbreak...ranging from the smallest of things like losing something precious (like an earring) to the most difficult (loss of a love one). It is then that our bodies become filled with grief. It is a physical emptiness that often cannot be put into words. And we wonder if we will ever be able to mend.
Heartbreak can leave wounds so deep that it leaves scars...but I do believe that healing can happen...that raw emotion hurts...and yet we all know that hurting can lead to healing. The pain allows us to realize that we need to pay attention to our self. That we need to acknowledge the hurt before we can begin to heal.
They say that time heals all pain...but is it time that heals it or truly feeling it instead of burying it that leads us on the path of healing?
As I deal with the heartache of adoption/reunion and now loss I feel I am repairing my heart.
I am being gentle with myself and looking for all the positive things that have happened. I am opening myself up to loving...trusting...and believing once more.
Life continues on even amongst heartbreak...and I am emerging on the other side of mending...I am feeling stronger each and every day for all the experiences that being reunited has offered me...and I look to the positive more so now than ever.
And yet this year I have been listening and healing...
We all experience some kind of heartbreak...ranging from the smallest of things like losing something precious (like an earring) to the most difficult (loss of a love one). It is then that our bodies become filled with grief. It is a physical emptiness that often cannot be put into words. And we wonder if we will ever be able to mend.
Heartbreak can leave wounds so deep that it leaves scars...but I do believe that healing can happen...that raw emotion hurts...and yet we all know that hurting can lead to healing. The pain allows us to realize that we need to pay attention to our self. That we need to acknowledge the hurt before we can begin to heal.
They say that time heals all pain...but is it time that heals it or truly feeling it instead of burying it that leads us on the path of healing?
As I deal with the heartache of adoption/reunion and now loss I feel I am repairing my heart.
I am being gentle with myself and looking for all the positive things that have happened. I am opening myself up to loving...trusting...and believing once more.
Life continues on even amongst heartbreak...and I am emerging on the other side of mending...I am feeling stronger each and every day for all the experiences that being reunited has offered me...and I look to the positive more so now than ever.
ART Heals...
who am I?
I am the woman
who is no longer
afraid to peel back
the layers...
I am the woman
who reaches for
her dreams...
I am the woman
who uncaged
her heart...
I am the woman
who paints and
writes my truth...
I am the woman
who has found
her wings...
I am the woman
with love in her
heart instead of fear...
I am a strong
creative...intelligent...
feminine...rooted
woman.
ART Heals...
at 64
she had walked through many
forests in her years
some were dark and fearful
others she wandered around in
but she always emerged on the
other side
sooner or later
she knows that life
is like that...
forests and sunshine
both helping her to grow
at 64
she is open
she feels her spirit
she sees her perception
she speaks with expression
she knows her love
she honors her power
she accepts her feminine...
SHE SURVIVES!
ART Heals
Connected
We are one...
you and I.
...connected...
past and present...
...integrated...
together we are stronger
than separate...
together we unite to
become whole...
together our heart
beats with joy...
we are one...
you and I...
...connected...
we become ME.
ART Heals...
Mothering
girl...daughter...sister...friend...wife...mother...woman.
I am a woman
learning to be
gentle and kind
to my soul...
to embrace the whole
of who I am...
to be content and happy
in my own skin...
to listen closely to
the whispers of my
heart and follow
its lead...
I am a woman
learning to
mother myself
with love.
willing...
I sent off a couple text messages to my son the other day only to find that they are "undeliverable" ...guess that means that he either has a new phone number that I do not know or I have been blocked...
Either way I found myself struggling with my own thoughts and emotions...thinking how could I correspond with him...why can't I correspond with him...a feeling that somehow I must correct this...and yet I know that this is not a black and white situation...and I have to continue to look at the turmoil from the inside. Letting go again is a struggle that I am having with myself...and these emotions are uncomfortable and I keep thinking if I could just make it right I will feel better...and yet I know that is not true...just like reuniting did not change all the issues that I carried for so long...He can not heal me...
I am looking at myself straight forward...and I am willing to accept that there is room for more pictures of what this relationship can look like...It does not have to be the perfect family picture. Because we all know that picture also has underlying problems...I want to stop limiting myself to an all or nothing point of view...Do I really have nothing now?
NO! I have much more than that...I have awareness of who he is...a name...a face...He is not a ghost anymore...better yet he is no longer a baby that I placed for adoption...
He is a grown man who does not have to have a relationship with me just because that is what I want...He does not have to be my child...(he is the child of his parents).
I am working on opening myself up and letting go of the thought that everything has to be perfect in order to be...It is a conscious choice I am making...I am opening up my heart to my truth...and the truth is...
He is my son...I am his birth mother...and that does not mean that he has to have an open relationship with me...but it also means that I do exist...and that nothing will ever change the fact that we will always be connected through that birth...we hold parts of each other within ourselves...and that will never change...
and I can carry that and my love for him with me forever.
Either way I found myself struggling with my own thoughts and emotions...thinking how could I correspond with him...why can't I correspond with him...a feeling that somehow I must correct this...and yet I know that this is not a black and white situation...and I have to continue to look at the turmoil from the inside. Letting go again is a struggle that I am having with myself...and these emotions are uncomfortable and I keep thinking if I could just make it right I will feel better...and yet I know that is not true...just like reuniting did not change all the issues that I carried for so long...He can not heal me...
I am looking at myself straight forward...and I am willing to accept that there is room for more pictures of what this relationship can look like...It does not have to be the perfect family picture. Because we all know that picture also has underlying problems...I want to stop limiting myself to an all or nothing point of view...Do I really have nothing now?
NO! I have much more than that...I have awareness of who he is...a name...a face...He is not a ghost anymore...better yet he is no longer a baby that I placed for adoption...
He is a grown man who does not have to have a relationship with me just because that is what I want...He does not have to be my child...(he is the child of his parents).
I am working on opening myself up and letting go of the thought that everything has to be perfect in order to be...It is a conscious choice I am making...I am opening up my heart to my truth...and the truth is...
He is my son...I am his birth mother...and that does not mean that he has to have an open relationship with me...but it also means that I do exist...and that nothing will ever change the fact that we will always be connected through that birth...we hold parts of each other within ourselves...and that will never change...
and I can carry that and my love for him with me forever.
Forward Motion...
There are still days when I feel as if I am standing in the middle of my emotional pain over the second loss of my son. As if I am taking one step forward and then two steps backward...just when I am feeling as if I have gained a lot of forward motion something appears...a birthday of one of the grandchildren...a memory of time spent together...and it is then that I feel as if I have made so little progress...
Today I am shifting...
Every step on this path to healing is meaningful...and sometimes new obstacles will appear or I am peeling back a new layer, but I am continuing forward...and each step is something that I have to take in order to get to the next level...
So even if at this moment I am feeling as if I am stuck once again I know that I am moving forward still...and that when I have the days of feeling as if I am standing in the middle of my emotional pain I am really acknowledging that the pain does exist and I am still working through it...and although it may never really go away I am dealing with it in a much more positive way.
Adoption...Reunion...Loss
Recovery of Self.
Today I am shifting...
Every step on this path to healing is meaningful...and sometimes new obstacles will appear or I am peeling back a new layer, but I am continuing forward...and each step is something that I have to take in order to get to the next level...
So even if at this moment I am feeling as if I am stuck once again I know that I am moving forward still...and that when I have the days of feeling as if I am standing in the middle of my emotional pain I am really acknowledging that the pain does exist and I am still working through it...and although it may never really go away I am dealing with it in a much more positive way.
Adoption...Reunion...Loss
Recovery of Self.
ART Heals...
danced
they danced around the
hurt as if it were normal
sharing parts of themselves
connecting
and yet distant
so many years had passed
she could not mother
she could not change anything
she was grateful to break the silence
she was grateful to let go of the secret
she was grateful to solve the mystery
she was grateful for the moments of love
there was a connection
of hearts
there always would be
nothing can change
the bond of birth
and yet they were strangers
and now they no longer dance...
ART Heals...
As A Mother
As a Mother I
pledge my heart...
with loyalty and devotion,
with honesty and responsibility,
with peace and gratitude,
with dreams and unconditional love.
Know my darlings that
I am blessed and
You are all so loved.
ART Heals...
...empty...
empty belly...
empty arms...
...empty...
swirling uncontrollably with
emotions...
...blank space...
my heart forever
connected to yours.
ART Heals...
INTUITION
Pause and be aware...
get out of your head and
into your heart.
Feel free and full of love...
feel the echoes of your heart beat...
the stirrings of your soul.
Feel the heat of your passion
for paint and paper and
your words.
Pause and be aware...
allow yourself to rise and
take flight with
your intuition.
Calming Myself...
| It has been over a year now since that last e mail that I received from my son's wife that said "it appears that this relationship has come to an end." I no longer send cards that are never acknowledged or checks that are not cashed. But I still recognize my grandchildren's birthdays by making a donation to St. Jude's Children's Hospital in their honor. I no longer send Christmas gifts but rather make a donation in the family name to Feeding America. I do this because they are alive in my heart. I am growing...there are days when I still feel insecure about the things that were said about me. Sad because I no longer have a personal connection with my son and his family. But, I am strengthening my self confidence every day...and I do not give the words that were written to me as much power anymore. My inner strength knows that regardless of those words my love is strong for my son and his family and nothing will ever change that. I am empowering my self...I am learning once again to appreciate my own words and my ability to love unconditionally. I am not worried anymore about what others think of me. I know my heart is true and good...my self worth is once again on the rise and I am happy. I am learning more about myself...the patterns that need to be broken...letting go of my insecurities... I am building a stronger belief in myself ...It has taken me almost 47 years to do this... but I am finding that my 18 year old self is no longer restless...and I am allowing her to finally be at peace with the decision that she help make so long ago. |
definitions...
I was wondering today what the definition of adoption was...So here is what it says:
A`dop´tion
| n. | 1. | The act of adopting, or state of being adopted; voluntary acceptance of a child of other parents to be the same as one's own child. |
| 2. | Admission to a more intimate relation; reception; | |
| 3. | The choosing and making that to be one's own which originally was not so; acceptance; MOTHER
noun \ˈmə-thər\
Definition of MOTHER
1
a : a female parent
3
: maternal tenderness or affection
"A female parent...maternal tenderness or affection"
No where in this definition is there
a reference of difference between a birth mother and an adoptive mother.
|
JULY 3rd...1:00 PM...
OFFERING LOVE...
They were a part of her now...
A missing piece finally found...
And regardless of time or space...
She would continue to offer love for the rest of her days...
hoping that one day it would be once again accepted.
Today at 1:00 I am marking the 4 years that I have known who my son is...They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I look at a picture of that reunion day and say that there are not enough words in the English language to describe the feelings for me here. It is a picture of my son and me when we met after 42 years of separation. It is a picture of love that is so pure that it makes my heart soar.
I am a birth mother, who placed her son up for adoption in 1969.
My heart placed him in a very safe placed where he has lived with me for 42 years. There were times when I feared for him, there were times when I ached for him, and there were times when I felt he was right beside me. He has always been a part of my make-up. He helped to make me a better mother to my two other children, and a better and more compassionate person. He often held my hand during difficult times and allowed me to love in a better way. He gave me strength some days, and tears on others as the years passed. Although I wished to know him, I did not have a desire to disrupt the life that he and his parents had formed. I wished only the highest and best for them as a family
And then a miracle occurred.
Mother’s Day weekend (2012) I connected with my son, when my heart opened and poured out buried information. He was there on an adoption registry site waiting for me. He had started a blog looking for me 11 years earlier. With a phone call I would be talking with him. If I say I was without fear that would not be true. We talked for hours that first night, we exchanged e-mails and phone calls for weeks till we finally met for the second time in 42 years. We embraced, we cried, we sighed and we connected out hearts once again. Mother and son reunited to explore a relationship with each other, to express the unspoken love that has always been there. To share who we are with each other and our extended families. I am was not only a mother, but the proud grandmother of 3 precious children, and a mother-in-law to a new daughter, all who have always known about me. I feel complete, I felt as if I was healing, and I had the feeling of coming full circle that felt ever present as our bond grew with each passing day.
But it is different today...today I celebrate this day alone once again without him. But I am a better person today because of meeting him and his family. I am truly healing...and I am happy because I know he is out there...and I know his name...and I know more about him than I ever did before. I have pictures of him...and things he made me...I have letters...but most of all I have a love for him that goes far beyond separation and I will continue to offer that love to him and his family forever.
They were a part of her now...
A missing piece finally found...
And regardless of time or space...
She would continue to offer love for the rest of her days...
hoping that one day it would be once again accepted.
Today at 1:00 I am marking the 4 years that I have known who my son is...They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I look at a picture of that reunion day and say that there are not enough words in the English language to describe the feelings for me here. It is a picture of my son and me when we met after 42 years of separation. It is a picture of love that is so pure that it makes my heart soar.
I am a birth mother, who placed her son up for adoption in 1969.
My heart placed him in a very safe placed where he has lived with me for 42 years. There were times when I feared for him, there were times when I ached for him, and there were times when I felt he was right beside me. He has always been a part of my make-up. He helped to make me a better mother to my two other children, and a better and more compassionate person. He often held my hand during difficult times and allowed me to love in a better way. He gave me strength some days, and tears on others as the years passed. Although I wished to know him, I did not have a desire to disrupt the life that he and his parents had formed. I wished only the highest and best for them as a family
And then a miracle occurred.
Mother’s Day weekend (2012) I connected with my son, when my heart opened and poured out buried information. He was there on an adoption registry site waiting for me. He had started a blog looking for me 11 years earlier. With a phone call I would be talking with him. If I say I was without fear that would not be true. We talked for hours that first night, we exchanged e-mails and phone calls for weeks till we finally met for the second time in 42 years. We embraced, we cried, we sighed and we connected out hearts once again. Mother and son reunited to explore a relationship with each other, to express the unspoken love that has always been there. To share who we are with each other and our extended families. I am was not only a mother, but the proud grandmother of 3 precious children, and a mother-in-law to a new daughter, all who have always known about me. I feel complete, I felt as if I was healing, and I had the feeling of coming full circle that felt ever present as our bond grew with each passing day.
But it is different today...today I celebrate this day alone once again without him. But I am a better person today because of meeting him and his family. I am truly healing...and I am happy because I know he is out there...and I know his name...and I know more about him than I ever did before. I have pictures of him...and things he made me...I have letters...but most of all I have a love for him that goes far beyond separation and I will continue to offer that love to him and his family forever.
Myth vs Fact #2
MYTH: "Your life will go on and you will FORGET this happened."
What I know now:
Separating a child and their Mother is an unnatural act. A newborn baby does need the sound of his Mother's voice...her heart beat...her smell to comfort them. That it is a bond they have had since the moment of conception.
That loving your child does not have to mean losing your child. That I was not undeserving because I was not married in 1969. That this other couple was not more deserving because they were married. That this other couple was not more deserving because they could not have children of their own and certainly I could. That I was not a failure because no one gave me the hope of even caring for my child.
Once the adoption took place the secrets and lies really crept in.
I was not allowed to talk about it because it "was over". That being praised for being brave and wonderful for my selfless act made me a loving Mother was so far from the truth in my heart. That on that November day I lost a vital part of myself.
It has taken me 46 years to try to reclaim my self worth and say that this traumatic loss damaged so much of who I was. That for 43 years that loss was still felt in my heart. That my reality of that loss caused me to lock out so much of what life had to offer me. That my self worth was so low and I felt so underserving of anything good that I would cause problems where none existed just to prove myself right.
That I suffered a tremendous loss...and that the contradiction of "I gave you up because I loved you" makes no sense to me...and the grief that I carried has lasted a life time. That if that is what love is then I want no part of it now. That on a good day if I could go back to that moment when I was told that loving my child meant losing my child I would scream at the top of my lungs that they were wrong I would. That the illusion of separating the two of us was so wrong.
Giving your child up for adoption when that is not what you really want is pure heart ache. There is not a sliver of truth that I was not good enough for my child. My heart was broken and my arms were empty. I placed my child in the arms of strangers to him and that caused me great loss, grief and pain that never went away...and I will NEVER,EVER FORGET!
But I can not go back...and I have to heal and find the silver linings...
What I know now:
Separating a child and their Mother is an unnatural act. A newborn baby does need the sound of his Mother's voice...her heart beat...her smell to comfort them. That it is a bond they have had since the moment of conception.
That loving your child does not have to mean losing your child. That I was not undeserving because I was not married in 1969. That this other couple was not more deserving because they were married. That this other couple was not more deserving because they could not have children of their own and certainly I could. That I was not a failure because no one gave me the hope of even caring for my child.
Once the adoption took place the secrets and lies really crept in.
I was not allowed to talk about it because it "was over". That being praised for being brave and wonderful for my selfless act made me a loving Mother was so far from the truth in my heart. That on that November day I lost a vital part of myself.
It has taken me 46 years to try to reclaim my self worth and say that this traumatic loss damaged so much of who I was. That for 43 years that loss was still felt in my heart. That my reality of that loss caused me to lock out so much of what life had to offer me. That my self worth was so low and I felt so underserving of anything good that I would cause problems where none existed just to prove myself right.
That I suffered a tremendous loss...and that the contradiction of "I gave you up because I loved you" makes no sense to me...and the grief that I carried has lasted a life time. That if that is what love is then I want no part of it now. That on a good day if I could go back to that moment when I was told that loving my child meant losing my child I would scream at the top of my lungs that they were wrong I would. That the illusion of separating the two of us was so wrong.
Giving your child up for adoption when that is not what you really want is pure heart ache. There is not a sliver of truth that I was not good enough for my child. My heart was broken and my arms were empty. I placed my child in the arms of strangers to him and that caused me great loss, grief and pain that never went away...and I will NEVER,EVER FORGET!
But I can not go back...and I have to heal and find the silver linings...
Dear Patricia...
Dear Patricia...
You were led to believe that you were not capable of taking care of your baby because you were not capable of taking care of yourself. Where would the money come from to take care of a baby? How would you support the two of you? Where would you live? A baby needs two parents.
WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO?
The only logical and sensible thing to do was to place the baby up for adoption. It was the most loving and unselfish thing to do...To give your child to a couple who would raise that child in a loving home with two parents. A couple who would give him EVERYTHING that you could not. A couple who was waiting with "open arms" to adore this baby. A couple who could not have children so you would be giving them the precious gift of life.
WHAT DID THAT ALL MEAN TO YOU?
The emotions that I felt were that I was not "good enough" to love my child. That I did not "adore" my child unless I gave him up for adoption. That I was/ I would be "selfish" even to consider keeping him. That someone other than myself was "better" able to take care of him than I was.
That is what I heard in my head....that is what my emotions were telling me...that is what I believed. That is what repeated itself over and over again.
SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
I made a logical and sensible decision. I made a promise to another couple, that I did not feel I could go back on. Why would I hurt so many others...my child...the couple...my parents with a choice of voicing my emotions of wanting to keep my child? Would a "good girl" do that? Would a loving Mother intentionally set their child up to live a "less than" life.
WHAT HAVE YOU FINALLY DISCOVERED?
I WAS GOOD ENOUGH!
That the logical and sensible decision caused great damage to me. That I held onto " not trusting" anyone. That I withheld my love to a certain extent because I was afraid of being that hurt ever again. That I raised 2 other children by myself alone for 10 years and managed. That life is not always perfect but you can be happy. That you cannot go backwards and change anything even if you would like to with the knowledge that you now have. That reunion is a difficult and yet rewarding time. And that you have to love your self...really love your self in order to heal. That no matter what...life goes on....and no matter what has happened you can heal your heart with that love.
You were led to believe that you were not capable of taking care of your baby because you were not capable of taking care of yourself. Where would the money come from to take care of a baby? How would you support the two of you? Where would you live? A baby needs two parents.
WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO?
The only logical and sensible thing to do was to place the baby up for adoption. It was the most loving and unselfish thing to do...To give your child to a couple who would raise that child in a loving home with two parents. A couple who would give him EVERYTHING that you could not. A couple who was waiting with "open arms" to adore this baby. A couple who could not have children so you would be giving them the precious gift of life.
WHAT DID THAT ALL MEAN TO YOU?
The emotions that I felt were that I was not "good enough" to love my child. That I did not "adore" my child unless I gave him up for adoption. That I was/ I would be "selfish" even to consider keeping him. That someone other than myself was "better" able to take care of him than I was.
That is what I heard in my head....that is what my emotions were telling me...that is what I believed. That is what repeated itself over and over again.
SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
I made a logical and sensible decision. I made a promise to another couple, that I did not feel I could go back on. Why would I hurt so many others...my child...the couple...my parents with a choice of voicing my emotions of wanting to keep my child? Would a "good girl" do that? Would a loving Mother intentionally set their child up to live a "less than" life.
WHAT HAVE YOU FINALLY DISCOVERED?
I WAS GOOD ENOUGH!
That the logical and sensible decision caused great damage to me. That I held onto " not trusting" anyone. That I withheld my love to a certain extent because I was afraid of being that hurt ever again. That I raised 2 other children by myself alone for 10 years and managed. That life is not always perfect but you can be happy. That you cannot go backwards and change anything even if you would like to with the knowledge that you now have. That reunion is a difficult and yet rewarding time. And that you have to love your self...really love your self in order to heal. That no matter what...life goes on....and no matter what has happened you can heal your heart with that love.
Beginning again...
Putting the pieces back together...
There are myths and there are facts,,,
In order to move forward you have to unravel them...
to move forward and put your pieces back together...
to move forward to free yourself...
to move forward to once again find all of your love
all of your compassion...
all of your affection...
all of your affirmation...
all of your validation...
all of your success...
all of your abundance...
Finding and realizing your own truth is the beginning of healing your soul.
The beginning of myths vs facts...
I have spent to many years looking for something...searching for what I felt was lost to me...I suppose there is really nothing wrong with this because it has brought me to the space I am in now and I realize that the absence of my son was something that I need to come to terms with. What I am finding out is that all along it has been less about the absence and more about healing my heart.
I know that I carry within me everything that I need to know and yet I have not allowed myself to use that knowledge over the years...that by always being sad about that absence I allowed myself to stay in the sadness. And that in order to evolve forward now I must heal myself. It was not my son that could heal me.
This is a journey...that I have reached on my path where I realize that getting what I wanted made me happy...losing it again has made that happiness pass and now I must find the joy that is within.
So where do I turn now? I am looking within...I am going over my self made myths and turning them into facts...
I know that I carry within me everything that I need to know and yet I have not allowed myself to use that knowledge over the years...that by always being sad about that absence I allowed myself to stay in the sadness. And that in order to evolve forward now I must heal myself. It was not my son that could heal me.
This is a journey...that I have reached on my path where I realize that getting what I wanted made me happy...losing it again has made that happiness pass and now I must find the joy that is within.
So where do I turn now? I am looking within...I am going over my self made myths and turning them into facts...
How "perfect" is anyone?
Today, I am wondering just how "perfect" any of us thinks we are...and what would make anyone think they are perfect?
Within the past 6 months questions have risen in my life that question who I really am...not questions I have been asking...but questions from another...and it has caused me to wonder if anyone can live up to another's standards...Is anyone or anything perfect? and what makes us believe that our answer is the right answer for someone else? Do we really have any right to tell someone else how they should act or respond? How they must do things in order to fit into our world...and if they do not live up to our standards of perfection than they can not be a part of our life...
We have all done things that may have hurt others...most of the time it is done unintentionally...but if we are not made aware of it at the time we cannot explain or apologize for something that hurt someone else...and when you hold on to that you begin only to look at the negative that is going on around you...is anyone so "perfect" that they can truly tell another how to act...how to talk...what to do...or how to do it???
This "perfection" is teaching me a great deal...I know that I cannot live up to anyone's standards...and no one can promise that they will do everything right according to another...we each must follow our own path...
I know more now about myself than I use to...I have more strength and courage than I have had in more than 45 years...I know I have made mistakes along this path...but I am finally allowed myself to learn from my patterns...and I realize that some things that may be hurting me at the moment will eventually turn themselves around...That there will be losses in my life but if I allow myself time to grieve them I will be left with the joy of the memories...everything that happens in our life helps us to grow...
I know I will get through all of this and be stronger and wiser than before...and I know that nothing in life is perfect...and certainly I hope to always be a work in progress...learning as I go along...and loving the best way that I can...
So...how perfect are you?
Within the past 6 months questions have risen in my life that question who I really am...not questions I have been asking...but questions from another...and it has caused me to wonder if anyone can live up to another's standards...Is anyone or anything perfect? and what makes us believe that our answer is the right answer for someone else? Do we really have any right to tell someone else how they should act or respond? How they must do things in order to fit into our world...and if they do not live up to our standards of perfection than they can not be a part of our life...
We have all done things that may have hurt others...most of the time it is done unintentionally...but if we are not made aware of it at the time we cannot explain or apologize for something that hurt someone else...and when you hold on to that you begin only to look at the negative that is going on around you...is anyone so "perfect" that they can truly tell another how to act...how to talk...what to do...or how to do it???
This "perfection" is teaching me a great deal...I know that I cannot live up to anyone's standards...and no one can promise that they will do everything right according to another...we each must follow our own path...
I know more now about myself than I use to...I have more strength and courage than I have had in more than 45 years...I know I have made mistakes along this path...but I am finally allowed myself to learn from my patterns...and I realize that some things that may be hurting me at the moment will eventually turn themselves around...That there will be losses in my life but if I allow myself time to grieve them I will be left with the joy of the memories...everything that happens in our life helps us to grow...
I know I will get through all of this and be stronger and wiser than before...and I know that nothing in life is perfect...and certainly I hope to always be a work in progress...learning as I go along...and loving the best way that I can...
So...how perfect are you?
HER response...
Pattie,
Your son received your letter at work.
He has not opened it.
Your choices in regard to our family for nearly 2 years have been increasingly unloving and disrespectful towards myself, the children and my marriage and subsequently your son.
I had hoped that you might make other choices once you had been made aware of the hurt you were causing. Your son tried to encourage you to do that delicately. Your verbal responses were beautiful, but your actions did not change. I tried to speak to you clearly and firmly. You dismissed what I wrote. You have continued to make hurtful and disrespectful choices, like writing to your son at work for instance.
It would seem that our relationship is at its end.
I have to say that I have been curious as to WHY my son does not respond...his wife is always answering for him...
So this is the end...and I must learn once again to live my life without my son in it. A much different situation now that I know him...a much different heart ache...
Your son received your letter at work.
He has not opened it.
Your choices in regard to our family for nearly 2 years have been increasingly unloving and disrespectful towards myself, the children and my marriage and subsequently your son.
I had hoped that you might make other choices once you had been made aware of the hurt you were causing. Your son tried to encourage you to do that delicately. Your verbal responses were beautiful, but your actions did not change. I tried to speak to you clearly and firmly. You dismissed what I wrote. You have continued to make hurtful and disrespectful choices, like writing to your son at work for instance.
It would seem that our relationship is at its end.
I have to say that I have been curious as to WHY my son does not respond...his wife is always answering for him...
So this is the end...and I must learn once again to live my life without my son in it. A much different situation now that I know him...a much different heart ache...
How do you forgive?
We each have our own opinion on what forgiveness means to us...I was taught to "forgive and forget". As an adult I am not sure if we can all do this...because as adults it becomes more about ego...more about who did what and why...Forgiveness is sometimes a very difficult thing to do. And yet, we have all read stories about how someone forgave an unspeakable crime. I wonder, why is it that we hold on to those things that we said we forgave someone for? Why is it that most people say, "I will forgive them if they repent"? Why is it that most of us put strings and conditions on our forgiveness?
According to the dictionary forgiveness is: the act of forgiving, meaning to cease to blame someone or something, grant pardon for a wrong doing, free from penalty, or cease to feel resentment against someone or something for a wrong committed.
For me, forgiveness is about releasing...releasing pain, real or imaginary...that I feel was caused by an action...a person...myself...releasing resentment...forgiving without having strings attached...forgiving from my heart...
Forgiveness is something that I do in order to heal...I am not a religious person...I am a spiritual person...and I tend not to hold onto words that have been spoken that may have hurt me when I heard them...because they hurt my ego...they did not hurt me...the me that resides in my heart...the true me...
Many spiritual leaders believe that forgiveness goes beyond the level of acceptance to a level of unconditional love...
Deepak Chopra in his book, The Deeper Wound:
“Forgiveness belongs to the heart. You can understand its value, you can believe that it is moral, good, upright and righteous to forgive – but if you don’t feel it, forgiveness is forced. Countless times you have needed forgiveness and countless times you have offered it to someone else. The mantle of who is right and who is wronged gets passed around in a circle. When you cannot find in yourself the purity of forgiveness, ask to feel more than you feel. Spirit won’t give you new and better reasons to forgive someone. It will show you another way"
How do you forgive?
Do you do so unconditionally? Do you add strings? Do you make the person jump through a hoop of fire? Do you forgive and forget? Do you forgive because that is what your heart says to do?
“Forgiveness belongs to the heart. You can understand its value, you can believe that it is moral, good, upright and righteous to forgive – but if you don’t feel it, forgiveness is forced. Countless times you have needed forgiveness and countless times you have offered it to someone else. The mantle of who is right and who is wronged gets passed around in a circle. When you cannot find in yourself the purity of forgiveness, ask to feel more than you feel. Spirit won’t give you new and better reasons to forgive someone. It will show you another way"
How do you forgive?
Do you do so unconditionally? Do you add strings? Do you make the person jump through a hoop of fire? Do you forgive and forget? Do you forgive because that is what your heart says to do?
Proposition...Ultimatum...or LOVE?
Waiting for a reply...hoping for a reply of some sort I had all sorts of questions running around in my head and I had to come to some answers for myself...
Several lines in the email I received from my son's wife did not seem to go hand in hand...
Several lines in the email I received from my son's wife did not seem to go hand in hand...
" It is an all or nothing proposition"..."We would like to move past this...you will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not".(plus the other things that I had to do on the list)
What is the difference between a proposition and an ultimatum?
Here are the meanings according to Merriam-Webster's dictionary:
Proposition: Anything stated or affirmed for discussion or illustration. The act of offering or suggesting something to be considered, accepted, adopted or done.
Ultimatum: A final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.
So lets say you believe that someone has done you wrong...but you say you want to make things right...Do you offer up a proposition or an ultimatum? Or better yet, do you open your heart in the name of love? Our perception of any given event is usually different from someone else...how do you defend yourself when you did not do what they believe or are saying you did...
Do you tell them if they do ABC than they can still be in your life and get back in your good graces? Do you tell them that if they don't do ABC than they cannot? Do you tell them that it is an all or nothing proposition?
Or is that an ultimatum?
Would you feel you are a winner if the person does the ABC? Would you feel that they lose if they don't?
Love: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
As for me...
I choose LOVE...because LOVE always wins!
Here are the meanings according to Merriam-Webster's dictionary:
Proposition: Anything stated or affirmed for discussion or illustration. The act of offering or suggesting something to be considered, accepted, adopted or done.
Ultimatum: A final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.
So lets say you believe that someone has done you wrong...but you say you want to make things right...Do you offer up a proposition or an ultimatum? Or better yet, do you open your heart in the name of love? Our perception of any given event is usually different from someone else...how do you defend yourself when you did not do what they believe or are saying you did...
Do you tell them if they do ABC than they can still be in your life and get back in your good graces? Do you tell them that if they don't do ABC than they cannot? Do you tell them that it is an all or nothing proposition?
Or is that an ultimatum?
Would you feel you are a winner if the person does the ABC? Would you feel that they lose if they don't?
Love: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
As for me...
I choose LOVE...because LOVE always wins!
communication...
How do I really go about addressing this email? I have gone through many emotional responses from crying to finally letting go of the words that have been written...I could take each line of this email and the letter sent in December and give my own version of the statements...for there are always two sides to every conversation...and thus when retelling or recalling things get mixed up on both sides...and when things are not addressed at the time then they usually get bigger....words are taken out of context...and suddenly things are never what they were in the beginning...my heart know that the outcome is going to be the same whether I give my version or not...so my heart is letting go of the words.
The one thing I will address is: "you must return what you have taken. We all make mistakes. We all do unkind thing. We can all be forgiven, but not without being sorry and making up for it. We cannot trust you again until you have returned my things." "You will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not."
I did not take anything. I find no reason that anyone would believe that I would. There are people who have known me for 10 to 50 years...I have not only been in their presence but I have been to their homes on countless occasions...and never has it been suggested that I took anything from their homes...If I am accused of being a thief than why have I not stolen from anyone else? My heart does not need to be forgiven for something I did not do. This goes to the very core of my values...and it hurts me beyond belief that you would think I would do this...I do not believe that stealing is a mistake...but rather it is a deliberate action...and I find no reason for you to believe that my values are that low.
I have been given three things that I must do in order to move forward....
It appears as if I am in a no win situation...I cannot do the main thing that you are asking me, which is to return something I do not have...and it is quite clear that if I do not do this than we cannot move forward...
I believe that in the adoption and reunion process one can be very supportive of a person when they are searching...and they can be excited for the person if they reunite...I also believe that it is life changing for everyone involved....I have found that this has happened with my immediate family here...It has not always been easy for them to accept the relationship that was being formed with all of you...the world that they had always known was changing and most of us fear change. It is very sad that both families will now be disconnected...
Communication is a very large part of relationships...I have said before that if one does not know that something is wrong that one cannot do anything to correct that...waiting for a year and a half to address issues and holding on to hurt feelings for so long only causes resentment and things spin out of control...I believe that I could of been approached at anytime in that time frame to apologize for something that was perceived to be wrong or for words that were said in order to repair or explain myself...
It breaks my heart that all this has transpired...certainly I am not perfect...and I believe that we could all go to different times we felt hurt by something that was said...so I take this moment to once again apologize for any hurt feelings...for any disruption you feel that I have made to your family circle and life....I came into this reunion with an open heart of acceptance and love...that has never changed and it would never change...but I realize from this email that because I cannot send anything back that there will be no future...
I hold on tightly to my silver linings...
I now know my son...I now know parts of the story of his life...I now know his family...I was able to embrace him and tell him that I loved him...I was able to hear him call me Mom and tell me that he loves me...I have many wonderful memories of time spent together as a family which will be the focus of my heart...I have love for all of you...my relationship with my immediate family here is stronger than it has ever been....I am surrounded by unconditional love...and I am at peace...(and nothing can ever change any of these and they can never be taken away from me)
I do not believe that anyone can make us choose who we love...that is a choice we make ourselves...that is our heart...that is our truth...and the love that I hold in my heart for my son and his family will never end....my heart will forever be open to a relationship.
I wish all of you nothing but love...happiness and good health.
The one thing I will address is: "you must return what you have taken. We all make mistakes. We all do unkind thing. We can all be forgiven, but not without being sorry and making up for it. We cannot trust you again until you have returned my things." "You will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not."
I did not take anything. I find no reason that anyone would believe that I would. There are people who have known me for 10 to 50 years...I have not only been in their presence but I have been to their homes on countless occasions...and never has it been suggested that I took anything from their homes...If I am accused of being a thief than why have I not stolen from anyone else? My heart does not need to be forgiven for something I did not do. This goes to the very core of my values...and it hurts me beyond belief that you would think I would do this...I do not believe that stealing is a mistake...but rather it is a deliberate action...and I find no reason for you to believe that my values are that low.
I have been given three things that I must do in order to move forward....
It appears as if I am in a no win situation...I cannot do the main thing that you are asking me, which is to return something I do not have...and it is quite clear that if I do not do this than we cannot move forward...
I believe that in the adoption and reunion process one can be very supportive of a person when they are searching...and they can be excited for the person if they reunite...I also believe that it is life changing for everyone involved....I have found that this has happened with my immediate family here...It has not always been easy for them to accept the relationship that was being formed with all of you...the world that they had always known was changing and most of us fear change. It is very sad that both families will now be disconnected...
Communication is a very large part of relationships...I have said before that if one does not know that something is wrong that one cannot do anything to correct that...waiting for a year and a half to address issues and holding on to hurt feelings for so long only causes resentment and things spin out of control...I believe that I could of been approached at anytime in that time frame to apologize for something that was perceived to be wrong or for words that were said in order to repair or explain myself...
It breaks my heart that all this has transpired...certainly I am not perfect...and I believe that we could all go to different times we felt hurt by something that was said...so I take this moment to once again apologize for any hurt feelings...for any disruption you feel that I have made to your family circle and life....I came into this reunion with an open heart of acceptance and love...that has never changed and it would never change...but I realize from this email that because I cannot send anything back that there will be no future...
I hold on tightly to my silver linings...
I now know my son...I now know parts of the story of his life...I now know his family...I was able to embrace him and tell him that I loved him...I was able to hear him call me Mom and tell me that he loves me...I have many wonderful memories of time spent together as a family which will be the focus of my heart...I have love for all of you...my relationship with my immediate family here is stronger than it has ever been....I am surrounded by unconditional love...and I am at peace...(and nothing can ever change any of these and they can never be taken away from me)
I do not believe that anyone can make us choose who we love...that is a choice we make ourselves...that is our heart...that is our truth...and the love that I hold in my heart for my son and his family will never end....my heart will forever be open to a relationship.
I wish all of you nothing but love...happiness and good health.
From my heart...
Dear Son...
We have gone a long way in a different direction from our first phone call...and my heart grieves about that...I certainly never meant for anyone to feel hurt in anyway...or to disrupt...confuse...or make demands on you or your family.
My heart does not want anyone to hurt...including myself.
I thank you for opening your heart to me...I thank you for sharing your love with me...I thank you for embracing me as your Mom regardless of time and space.
I am enclosing a response to the email that your wife answered for you...she asked that I not respond to it with an e mail...I have chosen to send all of this to you at work, so like the letters I received in December you will be able to read this first.
I read a short story once by Ernest Hemingway, "The Capital of the World". In it he tells about a Spanish Father who wants to reconcile with his son who ran away to Madrid. To find the boy he took out an ad in the newspaper: "Paco, meet me at the hotel at noon on Tuesday. All is forgiven. Love, Papa".
Paco is a very common Spanish name and when the Father goes to the hotel he finds 800 young men named Paco waiting for their Fathers.
What drew them to the hotel? As Hemingway tells it...it was the words. "All is forgiven". The Father did not say..."All will be forgiven IF you do this or that" ... he did not say..."All will be forgiven WHEN you do such and such....He simply says "All is forgiven" with no strings attached.
That is my hope...that one day all will be forgiven in the name of love.
You are a part of me...A part of my heart that was finally unlocked and is beginning to heal...Please know that regardless of time my heart is always open to you...we are no longer a mystery to each other...we have met....we have been found.
I am not leaving you....for you are always with me...just as you always have been. You are my son and time and space can never change that...you can always make the choice to contact me for I will always be here for you.
Remember that you are So Loved...
PS:
I am sorry to see that the kids Birthday checks have not been cashed.
Enclosed you will find a copy of the airline ticket information...It is the only thing that I do have.
(And then I responded to the email that his wife sent...)
We have gone a long way in a different direction from our first phone call...and my heart grieves about that...I certainly never meant for anyone to feel hurt in anyway...or to disrupt...confuse...or make demands on you or your family.
My heart does not want anyone to hurt...including myself.
I thank you for opening your heart to me...I thank you for sharing your love with me...I thank you for embracing me as your Mom regardless of time and space.
I am enclosing a response to the email that your wife answered for you...she asked that I not respond to it with an e mail...I have chosen to send all of this to you at work, so like the letters I received in December you will be able to read this first.
I read a short story once by Ernest Hemingway, "The Capital of the World". In it he tells about a Spanish Father who wants to reconcile with his son who ran away to Madrid. To find the boy he took out an ad in the newspaper: "Paco, meet me at the hotel at noon on Tuesday. All is forgiven. Love, Papa".
Paco is a very common Spanish name and when the Father goes to the hotel he finds 800 young men named Paco waiting for their Fathers.
What drew them to the hotel? As Hemingway tells it...it was the words. "All is forgiven". The Father did not say..."All will be forgiven IF you do this or that" ... he did not say..."All will be forgiven WHEN you do such and such....He simply says "All is forgiven" with no strings attached.
That is my hope...that one day all will be forgiven in the name of love.
You are a part of me...A part of my heart that was finally unlocked and is beginning to heal...Please know that regardless of time my heart is always open to you...we are no longer a mystery to each other...we have met....we have been found.
I am not leaving you....for you are always with me...just as you always have been. You are my son and time and space can never change that...you can always make the choice to contact me for I will always be here for you.
Remember that you are So Loved...
PS:
I am sorry to see that the kids Birthday checks have not been cashed.
Enclosed you will find a copy of the airline ticket information...It is the only thing that I do have.
(And then I responded to the email that his wife sent...)
A huge blow...
Not addressing this letter seemed to be the only thing to do...
Because one sounds "nasty" when one is trying to defend ones self...and the words that were falling out of my head were negative and did not sound at all like me...So I went within to sort things out...
And then I received an e mail from my son...to say I was a bit fearful about opening it would be an understatement...
Mom:
I have been in the hospital for depression, (a first time for that). Would you please make things right with my wife.
My heart broke for so many reasons....suffering from depression myself I know that he must of swirled down into a dark hole to have to go into the hospital...and yet I still had no idea what sent him there or why...I could only assume that it was the conflict he was feeling between the "choice" that he felt he had to make concerning choosing between his wife and his Mother...but that was only an assumption on my part...
Then my head of course went to "would you please make things right with my wife"...according to the letter she wrote me...My son had "read, approves of, is aware of, is in agreement with everything mentioned"...
If all that was true how could he not see that she had closed every door...every window...that there was no coming back from this situation. I either had to return items, (that I did not take so there was nothing to return) in order to move forward or I would not be allowed to...and I was not allowed to reply with an email...
I sent off an e mail in response that simply read "I am so sorry"...
My head was reeling...my heart was breaking for my son and his family...and myself and my family here...I decided that I would send a letter off to my son at work...wanting him to read it before it might be intercepted...or disregarded...and I would send back the only thing that I did have...a plane ticket to visit in May..
Because one sounds "nasty" when one is trying to defend ones self...and the words that were falling out of my head were negative and did not sound at all like me...So I went within to sort things out...
And then I received an e mail from my son...to say I was a bit fearful about opening it would be an understatement...
Mom:
I have been in the hospital for depression, (a first time for that). Would you please make things right with my wife.
My heart broke for so many reasons....suffering from depression myself I know that he must of swirled down into a dark hole to have to go into the hospital...and yet I still had no idea what sent him there or why...I could only assume that it was the conflict he was feeling between the "choice" that he felt he had to make concerning choosing between his wife and his Mother...but that was only an assumption on my part...
Then my head of course went to "would you please make things right with my wife"...according to the letter she wrote me...My son had "read, approves of, is aware of, is in agreement with everything mentioned"...
If all that was true how could he not see that she had closed every door...every window...that there was no coming back from this situation. I either had to return items, (that I did not take so there was nothing to return) in order to move forward or I would not be allowed to...and I was not allowed to reply with an email...
I sent off an e mail in response that simply read "I am so sorry"...
My head was reeling...my heart was breaking for my son and his family...and myself and my family here...I decided that I would send a letter off to my son at work...wanting him to read it before it might be intercepted...or disregarded...and I would send back the only thing that I did have...a plane ticket to visit in May..
What was I suppose to do now?
When you receive a letter like this many things run through your mind...
1. WTF?
2. Your telling me I stole from you? REALLY?
3. I'm passive-aggressive? REALLY?
4. Why won't my son talk to me?
5. Who put who in the middle?
I was hurt...I was angry...I wrote letters and tore them up...I cried...and talked to people who have known me for a long time to see if any of this was true about me...and memories of stories she told me came flooding back over and over again...things I should of taken as red flags but overlooked...
The one that sticks out the most is the reason why they do not spend time with his family...
The first holiday I spent with them was Thanksgiving...I asked my son if they got together with his family...I had hoped to meet his parents and brother and sister...He said that they did not anymore, and spent holidays with his wife's family. I asked him why and he answered that he really did not know but there was a distance between his wife and his family...
The next day his wife asked if I had a good conversation with my son during a moment of alone time. I answered that I did but that I did not understand some things, but perhaps it did not matter. She said I could talk to her about anything...So I told her about that part of the conversation...her response was, "He does to know why". And she told me...
1. They "stole" from them.
2. They treated her badly. They were unkind and mean to her. When they would get together they would not include her in conversations.
3. They treated the kids differently than the other grandchildren.
4. They said they knew him better than she did.
Does any of this sound familiar?????
I reread her email...and reread it and reread it and had to wonder...what was this woman afraid of?
I recalled a time when I was visiting and my son and I ran some errands...it was those few moments when we were actually alone together...we stayed out a little to long and when we got back the house was full of silence and ice...you could cut the tension with a knife...and they went into the bedroom to talk...she came out...and then he came out and said: "You just don't like me spending time with my Mother"...BAM...that sentence hit me in my heart...
Again the difference between her letters and his letters were so opposite...him asking for help...her telling me what it was that I had to do to get back into her good graces...but only if I did the impossible...return things that I never took...
What was I suppose to do? All I wanted to do was to talk to my son and I was told that he did not want me to call him and he would not be calling me...
My heart was breaking...
1. WTF?
2. Your telling me I stole from you? REALLY?
3. I'm passive-aggressive? REALLY?
4. Why won't my son talk to me?
5. Who put who in the middle?
I was hurt...I was angry...I wrote letters and tore them up...I cried...and talked to people who have known me for a long time to see if any of this was true about me...and memories of stories she told me came flooding back over and over again...things I should of taken as red flags but overlooked...
The one that sticks out the most is the reason why they do not spend time with his family...
The first holiday I spent with them was Thanksgiving...I asked my son if they got together with his family...I had hoped to meet his parents and brother and sister...He said that they did not anymore, and spent holidays with his wife's family. I asked him why and he answered that he really did not know but there was a distance between his wife and his family...
The next day his wife asked if I had a good conversation with my son during a moment of alone time. I answered that I did but that I did not understand some things, but perhaps it did not matter. She said I could talk to her about anything...So I told her about that part of the conversation...her response was, "He does to know why". And she told me...
1. They "stole" from them.
2. They treated her badly. They were unkind and mean to her. When they would get together they would not include her in conversations.
3. They treated the kids differently than the other grandchildren.
4. They said they knew him better than she did.
Does any of this sound familiar?????
I reread her email...and reread it and reread it and had to wonder...what was this woman afraid of?
I recalled a time when I was visiting and my son and I ran some errands...it was those few moments when we were actually alone together...we stayed out a little to long and when we got back the house was full of silence and ice...you could cut the tension with a knife...and they went into the bedroom to talk...she came out...and then he came out and said: "You just don't like me spending time with my Mother"...BAM...that sentence hit me in my heart...
Again the difference between her letters and his letters were so opposite...him asking for help...her telling me what it was that I had to do to get back into her good graces...but only if I did the impossible...return things that I never took...
What was I suppose to do? All I wanted to do was to talk to my son and I was told that he did not want me to call him and he would not be calling me...
My heart was breaking...
Dear Patti...
Time passes slowly when you are waiting for a response from someone after you have poured your heart out...Time to become more anxious...time to become more depressed...time to let your inner mean girl spew her venom...
And just when you think all is lost you receive word...but not the words you were hoping for or from the person you hoped would acknowledge you...
Dear Patti,
You are correct in that asking your son to direct you was placing him in the middle. He will not be calling and does not want you to call him. He is not in the middle.
In December, I asked you to not reach out. I asked you to take time to think about what you wanted your relationships to be and think about how to get there. To just think about it for a while. Not communicate. You answered that you would honor my request. Then you did not follow through. I have not opened anything you sent in January. I have not opened them now. Your son and I were not aware of a letter, nor was I interested in receiving one at that time.
There is always room for relationships to grow and change. Even from seemingly awful places to good ones. There is nothing that is not forgivable. There does, however need to be contrition. There is nowhere we can go without it. I stated this before; you are a beautiful writer. There needs to be congruity between your words and your actions. You have expressed that you do not know what you have done. You need to know so that it does not happen again and so that you can make amends. This is not going to sound nice.
Your son's birthdays became about you. Slowly all visits and first became your anniversary, your special something. You only called your son's cell phone and asked him to call you. You did not ask to speak with the children or me anymore. When I asked to speak with you, the whole conversation would be, " I had to tell my son...I needed to let my son know". Not "I wanted the family to know....I wanted you all to know..." When we were all in your company, your attention was only for your son. If he was around, you were smiles and sunshine. If he was not with us, you would sit and sulk. You make comments indicating that you "weren't used to just sitting around so much". When invited by the littlest grandchild to play, you declined stating that you "didn't feel like playing that game". You did not engage with the children. You stopped being a contribution when visiting and made a point of announcing it. You would talk about the places you took your other grandson in front of the kids, but never suggested going anywhere or doing anything special with them. You make insulting and passive aggressive comments to me. Our last phone conversation was outrageous. If your late husband's mother ever said to you..."You don't know him, I know him. Oh, you don't know how he has been feeling. I've known. He confided in me. You know, he has been questioning a lot of his "life choices" When someone's depressed, there are things that they need to say and they're hard to hear and you're going to have to listen to them" I do not think that you would have tolerated it. Now imagine that she's only known him a few years.
You talk about the time needed to nurture and develop new relationships. All relationships have a beginning. Maybe unusual or special relationships need a little more nurturing and attention? All relationships require nurturing and attention. And nothing takes the place of the passage of time. We cannot cram a lifetime's intimacy into a few years. You very frequently sent your son long letters. You emailed him almost daily. You want him to co-author a book with you. Your requests of your son's individual time and attention are far more than he and our family can spare. He cannot be your confidant, your partner in your life and you are not his. You say that you understand that, but your actions and requests for attention indicate otherwise.
Lastly is the issue of the things of mine that you have taken. As I said before, anything is forgivable.
We would like to move past this. If we can have a healthy relationship with you, we would like to have you in our lives. If it is a relationship filled with unkindness's, none of us want that anymore. It is an all or nothing proposition. The whole family joyfully, lovingly or no one.
This is what you need to do.
First you must return what you have taken. We all make mistakes. We all do unkind things. We can all be forgiven, but not without being sorry and making up for it. We cannot trust you again until you have returned my things.
Secondly, apologize to your son and me. Explain if you can. Let us know what we can expect from you in the future. Be specific. Be reasonable.
Thirdly, you need to find an appropriate way to apologize to the children. You have hurt them.
We are interested in moving forward with you. If you are as well then this is how it must be done. If you love our family as you say you do, then this is a no-brainer.
Do not reply to this with an email. As before, your son has read, approves of, is aware of, is in agreement with everything mentioned above. You will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not.
What do I do with this letter? This letter that I could not understand...this letter that had my words and actions twisted up in knots...This letter that was to me not a proposition...but rather an ultimatum .
And just when you think all is lost you receive word...but not the words you were hoping for or from the person you hoped would acknowledge you...
Dear Patti,
You are correct in that asking your son to direct you was placing him in the middle. He will not be calling and does not want you to call him. He is not in the middle.
In December, I asked you to not reach out. I asked you to take time to think about what you wanted your relationships to be and think about how to get there. To just think about it for a while. Not communicate. You answered that you would honor my request. Then you did not follow through. I have not opened anything you sent in January. I have not opened them now. Your son and I were not aware of a letter, nor was I interested in receiving one at that time.
There is always room for relationships to grow and change. Even from seemingly awful places to good ones. There is nothing that is not forgivable. There does, however need to be contrition. There is nowhere we can go without it. I stated this before; you are a beautiful writer. There needs to be congruity between your words and your actions. You have expressed that you do not know what you have done. You need to know so that it does not happen again and so that you can make amends. This is not going to sound nice.
Your son's birthdays became about you. Slowly all visits and first became your anniversary, your special something. You only called your son's cell phone and asked him to call you. You did not ask to speak with the children or me anymore. When I asked to speak with you, the whole conversation would be, " I had to tell my son...I needed to let my son know". Not "I wanted the family to know....I wanted you all to know..." When we were all in your company, your attention was only for your son. If he was around, you were smiles and sunshine. If he was not with us, you would sit and sulk. You make comments indicating that you "weren't used to just sitting around so much". When invited by the littlest grandchild to play, you declined stating that you "didn't feel like playing that game". You did not engage with the children. You stopped being a contribution when visiting and made a point of announcing it. You would talk about the places you took your other grandson in front of the kids, but never suggested going anywhere or doing anything special with them. You make insulting and passive aggressive comments to me. Our last phone conversation was outrageous. If your late husband's mother ever said to you..."You don't know him, I know him. Oh, you don't know how he has been feeling. I've known. He confided in me. You know, he has been questioning a lot of his "life choices" When someone's depressed, there are things that they need to say and they're hard to hear and you're going to have to listen to them" I do not think that you would have tolerated it. Now imagine that she's only known him a few years.
You talk about the time needed to nurture and develop new relationships. All relationships have a beginning. Maybe unusual or special relationships need a little more nurturing and attention? All relationships require nurturing and attention. And nothing takes the place of the passage of time. We cannot cram a lifetime's intimacy into a few years. You very frequently sent your son long letters. You emailed him almost daily. You want him to co-author a book with you. Your requests of your son's individual time and attention are far more than he and our family can spare. He cannot be your confidant, your partner in your life and you are not his. You say that you understand that, but your actions and requests for attention indicate otherwise.
Lastly is the issue of the things of mine that you have taken. As I said before, anything is forgivable.
We would like to move past this. If we can have a healthy relationship with you, we would like to have you in our lives. If it is a relationship filled with unkindness's, none of us want that anymore. It is an all or nothing proposition. The whole family joyfully, lovingly or no one.
This is what you need to do.
First you must return what you have taken. We all make mistakes. We all do unkind things. We can all be forgiven, but not without being sorry and making up for it. We cannot trust you again until you have returned my things.
Secondly, apologize to your son and me. Explain if you can. Let us know what we can expect from you in the future. Be specific. Be reasonable.
Thirdly, you need to find an appropriate way to apologize to the children. You have hurt them.
We are interested in moving forward with you. If you are as well then this is how it must be done. If you love our family as you say you do, then this is a no-brainer.
Do not reply to this with an email. As before, your son has read, approves of, is aware of, is in agreement with everything mentioned above. You will return the items and we will all begin to move forward together slowly, or you will not.
What do I do with this letter? This letter that I could not understand...this letter that had my words and actions twisted up in knots...This letter that was to me not a proposition...but rather an ultimatum .
A month of silence...
Dear Son...
It has been a month since this last short e mail that you sent my way…it has been almost 3 months since I last talked with you…I am choosing to write to you today rather than wait to see if I hear from you…right now there is so much fear attached to my voice…fear that my words will be taken the wrong way…fear that I will completely lose you…fear that perhaps I already have…fear that it doesn’t matter what I say because nothing is going to change the situation as it stands now…but these words come from the deepest part of my heart...
I know from the letter that you wrote to me that this has been a difficult time for you emotionally and I now have a better understanding of why…I had no idea of the situation at your house concerning your feelings about having to make a choice... no one gave me the impression that anything was wrong…I had no idea about your wife's feelings toward me…or the extent of your depression. When one is left outside of the loop there is nothing that anyone can do to either correct a wrong or help in any way.
I feel the distance between us at the moment…silence…so this letter is my attempt to bridge the gap by sharing my feelings…there is no blame…there is no regret…the fact is that I wish that we all will still be able to continue forming our relationship…to try to restore balance…to find solutions together that will help mend hurt feelings…to try to maintain a balance of space and togetherness to keep our relationship growing…I hold onto faith that this can happen…I am trying at this moment to do this through communication with this letter… letting go of the silence… and although it feels very uncomfortable for me to do this at the moment and I am fearful because the outcome may be extremely painful... I have made that choice...
I believe that we both know that I am not welcomed in the family circle at the present time. Perhaps that is the reason for the silence…maybe you just don’t know how to tell me this…or you are afraid to tell me…however…right now I am not afraid to write that…I am not afraid to say the following things…for these are the things I am aware of…this is my voice...my feelings... my truth…I do not speak for anyone else...
I am the woman who gave birth to you...nothing more...nothing less...I am not sure at this moment if that can be considered a "Mom"...I am aware that I did not have a role in your life...I am aware that I did not help to mold you into the person that you are today...I am aware that we have no parental bonds...I am aware that our separation was of my own making and that there is no way that I can go back and undo that or make up for that...I am aware that you owe me nothing nor am I entitled to anything... I gave that all up when I placed the responsibility of raising you in your parents arms and hearts...I am aware that reuniting was a miracle, a needle in a haystack of the unknown…I could not of found you before I did, just as you could not find me…everything had to align in the right order and the secrecy that surrounds adoption does not often allow that…
I am aware that we have no history other than that which we have made since we met and that makes up so little of your 45 years…I am aware that although our hearts are connected we have only just begun to form a relationship… we are still strangers to one another…
Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, forming a relationship needs to be given time and attention if it is to fully take root. We are just beginning to establish that…in the now close to 3 years that we have been reunited…we have been in each others presence perhaps 50 days…and connected on the phone and through letters another 60 times or so…Is that a lot in over a thousand days? Is it enough to truly know one another? Perhaps we tried to hard and to fast to make our relationship "normal"...to make those 43 years suddenly disolve and disappear as if they never happened...perhaps we gave no thought to how it would effect anyone else...I do not know...I do know that I felt an urgencey on my part to show you and your family all the love that I could...
I know that every relationship is not a fit…not everyone's personality blends…I know that just because you love someone that does not mean that they must love you back…love is given freely without expecting anything in return…and sometimes that is the reason we get hurt…because we have done everything we felt we could do and yet the feelings were not the same…they were not shared...and you know in your heart that there is nothing that you can do to change the others feelings toward you....you can only accept those feelings and continue to love them from a distance...and make the choice to accept their choices…
Under normal circumstances a relationship between a mother and a son has a long history…we do not have that…so I truly cannot address if there are changes in the type of relationships mothers have with their daughter-in-laws after their sons get married…what I do feel is that we were forming a relationship with each other from the genetic bond that connects our hearts to one another…that allowing our bond to be strong allows the bonds to the family members to be that much stronger…under normal circumstances parental ties and relationships with their children when they marry do change…when they become independent they do change…with each growing year they do change…but we do not have normal circumstances… nor do I consider myself your parent…that is not a title that belongs to me…
Newton’s 3rd law of physics: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction…
So I look to the “silver lining”… I now know that our hearts are connected and that I love you...and I love your family...I now know who you are…and how your life took shape…I know that you have a wonderful family… and I know that you have parents who love you and whom you love...along with siblings…I now am on the road of forgiveness for myself…I am closer to my immediate family with more acceptance and unconditional love…I am on the road to breaking patterns of not feeling “good enough”…all of these “silver linings” are good and positive and healing…
like you, I need and want you in my life…like you my hope is that you will continue to talk with me…like you I do not want to lose you…and like you my wish is that there is still the possibility to have a happy family life together...or at the very least I will be allowed to continue sending cards and gifts from the outer rim of the family circle...that you and I will be able to talk to each other on holidays and special occassions...
I need your help…
I need you to be honest with me without fear...to speak your truth...to let me know where I fit in your life...or if I fit in your life at all...to let go of the silence and respond in some form to this letter...I am willing to listen and hear what you have to say without hesitation...I am prepared to accept whatever your choice is...
for my wish is now and always has been that you be healthy and happy and surrounded by love…
Know that you are SO LOVED! (you always have been)
Love now and always...
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart).
ee cummings
It has been a month since this last short e mail that you sent my way…it has been almost 3 months since I last talked with you…I am choosing to write to you today rather than wait to see if I hear from you…right now there is so much fear attached to my voice…fear that my words will be taken the wrong way…fear that I will completely lose you…fear that perhaps I already have…fear that it doesn’t matter what I say because nothing is going to change the situation as it stands now…but these words come from the deepest part of my heart...
I know from the letter that you wrote to me that this has been a difficult time for you emotionally and I now have a better understanding of why…I had no idea of the situation at your house concerning your feelings about having to make a choice... no one gave me the impression that anything was wrong…I had no idea about your wife's feelings toward me…or the extent of your depression. When one is left outside of the loop there is nothing that anyone can do to either correct a wrong or help in any way.
I feel the distance between us at the moment…silence…so this letter is my attempt to bridge the gap by sharing my feelings…there is no blame…there is no regret…the fact is that I wish that we all will still be able to continue forming our relationship…to try to restore balance…to find solutions together that will help mend hurt feelings…to try to maintain a balance of space and togetherness to keep our relationship growing…I hold onto faith that this can happen…I am trying at this moment to do this through communication with this letter… letting go of the silence… and although it feels very uncomfortable for me to do this at the moment and I am fearful because the outcome may be extremely painful... I have made that choice...
I believe that we both know that I am not welcomed in the family circle at the present time. Perhaps that is the reason for the silence…maybe you just don’t know how to tell me this…or you are afraid to tell me…however…right now I am not afraid to write that…I am not afraid to say the following things…for these are the things I am aware of…this is my voice...my feelings... my truth…I do not speak for anyone else...
I am the woman who gave birth to you...nothing more...nothing less...I am not sure at this moment if that can be considered a "Mom"...I am aware that I did not have a role in your life...I am aware that I did not help to mold you into the person that you are today...I am aware that we have no parental bonds...I am aware that our separation was of my own making and that there is no way that I can go back and undo that or make up for that...I am aware that you owe me nothing nor am I entitled to anything... I gave that all up when I placed the responsibility of raising you in your parents arms and hearts...I am aware that reuniting was a miracle, a needle in a haystack of the unknown…I could not of found you before I did, just as you could not find me…everything had to align in the right order and the secrecy that surrounds adoption does not often allow that…
I am aware that we have no history other than that which we have made since we met and that makes up so little of your 45 years…I am aware that although our hearts are connected we have only just begun to form a relationship… we are still strangers to one another…
Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, forming a relationship needs to be given time and attention if it is to fully take root. We are just beginning to establish that…in the now close to 3 years that we have been reunited…we have been in each others presence perhaps 50 days…and connected on the phone and through letters another 60 times or so…Is that a lot in over a thousand days? Is it enough to truly know one another? Perhaps we tried to hard and to fast to make our relationship "normal"...to make those 43 years suddenly disolve and disappear as if they never happened...perhaps we gave no thought to how it would effect anyone else...I do not know...I do know that I felt an urgencey on my part to show you and your family all the love that I could...
I know that every relationship is not a fit…not everyone's personality blends…I know that just because you love someone that does not mean that they must love you back…love is given freely without expecting anything in return…and sometimes that is the reason we get hurt…because we have done everything we felt we could do and yet the feelings were not the same…they were not shared...and you know in your heart that there is nothing that you can do to change the others feelings toward you....you can only accept those feelings and continue to love them from a distance...and make the choice to accept their choices…
Under normal circumstances a relationship between a mother and a son has a long history…we do not have that…so I truly cannot address if there are changes in the type of relationships mothers have with their daughter-in-laws after their sons get married…what I do feel is that we were forming a relationship with each other from the genetic bond that connects our hearts to one another…that allowing our bond to be strong allows the bonds to the family members to be that much stronger…under normal circumstances parental ties and relationships with their children when they marry do change…when they become independent they do change…with each growing year they do change…but we do not have normal circumstances… nor do I consider myself your parent…that is not a title that belongs to me…
Newton’s 3rd law of physics: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction…
So I look to the “silver lining”… I now know that our hearts are connected and that I love you...and I love your family...I now know who you are…and how your life took shape…I know that you have a wonderful family… and I know that you have parents who love you and whom you love...along with siblings…I now am on the road of forgiveness for myself…I am closer to my immediate family with more acceptance and unconditional love…I am on the road to breaking patterns of not feeling “good enough”…all of these “silver linings” are good and positive and healing…
like you, I need and want you in my life…like you my hope is that you will continue to talk with me…like you I do not want to lose you…and like you my wish is that there is still the possibility to have a happy family life together...or at the very least I will be allowed to continue sending cards and gifts from the outer rim of the family circle...that you and I will be able to talk to each other on holidays and special occassions...
I need your help…
I need you to be honest with me without fear...to speak your truth...to let me know where I fit in your life...or if I fit in your life at all...to let go of the silence and respond in some form to this letter...I am willing to listen and hear what you have to say without hesitation...I am prepared to accept whatever your choice is...
for my wish is now and always has been that you be healthy and happy and surrounded by love…
Know that you are SO LOVED! (you always have been)
Love now and always...
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart).
ee cummings
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)